Control my rage?

[NotjustaMummy]

I have recently become SAHP, our childcare provider quit and I was unable to find a replacement willing to accommodate my unpredictable schedule (I freelance). I am having a hard time controlling my temper, I get so frustrated when the older one is kicking off, often trying to put another DVD on, or refusing shoes when I'm trying to get everyone out of the house. I also get moments of rage when simple domestic items don't work or I feel powerless in the face of never ending laundry/ kitchen mess/ toy chaos. I don't want to ruin their childhood by being shouty mummy and I don't want them to copy my behaviour. How can I break the cycle?

Sympathies OP - I have a short temper too, always have, but it was never really a problem until DS came along (probably cos my life was a blissful selfish dream of cocktail bars, lunches and gigs ha ha....what's to get cross about?!).

Ahem.

Anyway, I also find myself getting very ragey about mess, food mess, toy mess, and when DS is generally difficult (he is only 16mo...I know I know I am a terrible person!).

What's really helped me with my anger was havig some CBT therapy which I was referred to by the GP when I was diagnosed with PND when DS was 6mo. The therapist did some specific sessions on anger: understanding why I get angry, and challenging those angry thoughts. And learning/practising new ways to respond when you just want to YELL.

It's a work in progress and I still wouldn't say I was a sunny little sunbeam of a person (!) but now more often than not manage to keep the shouting inside and respond differently.

I know your situation is different but can you talk to your GP? Explain you're really struggling with angry feelings and see if there's a process locally for referring you for some CBT therapy? Or if the GP isn't keen or ou don't wanna wait, you can find a CBT therapist local to you and pay privately? Look at the BACBT website (I think) and use the search for a therapist function to find someone near you.

How old are your dc? I think some people are not cut out to be SAHP. Are you still looking for a childminder so that you can start working again? I get the rage thing... for me it's partly because of mental health problems and getting the right meds helped a lot, and partly because I battle to let go of the picture in my head of how things are meant to be.

So my child refuses to put on shoes and I lose it, because SHE MUST WEAR SHOES. Or people will judge me, she will get ill, her feet will be cold... you know what? The best way for her to learn that going without shoes is uncomfortable is to let her go without shoes. It's not the end of the world. You can take the shoes in a bag and let her put them on when she's ready.

The trick is to lower your standards and pick your battles. I know it's difficult when you're tired and stressed and you just want this child to do as she's told for once without arguing about it but it's worth trying to cultivate the habit of taking a deep breath and looking at the bigger picture. E.g. child is tired/hungry and the house is knee deep in toys. Trying to get her to pick up the toys now will be a disaster so ignore it and organise food/nap first. Then when she's in a better mood, make a game out of picking up toys - let's see how many toys we can get in the basket in 5 min! Challenge them - ds, I bet you cannot get your shoes on before I've finished changing the baby's nappy.

Try to find reasons to say positive things to your children (without being insincere) - thank you ds for playing nicely with your sister / wow dd that is such an interesting picture you drew, I like the way you used the colours / tell me about your Lego house ds, I've never seen one like that before. And spend time just being with them, ignore the mess and the housework and whatever else. If you can do that for a portion of each day they will be more cooperative when you need them to be and things should be a bit less intense.

Is getting a cleaner in once a week an option? Tricky I know when you're not earning. Do you have friends/family who can take the dc's sometimes so that you can have some "me time"? And spend that time doing something you enjoy - tea with a friend, a facial, reading a book - rather than trying to get on top of the housework.

Sorry that turned into quite a thesis. I hope some if it is useful to you.

All useful, especially the therapy refs, I had no idea where to find a legit and reputable person rather than some self declared counsellor or life coach type. I did a toddler calm course which helped. Mine are two and a bit, and nearly one, so really tiny. A lot of it is frustration at being pushed into it rather than choosing SAHP.