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shy 3 year-old -- any advice/book recommendations?

7 replies

Lorien · 17/03/2004 13:30

My ds is 3-and-a-half. He is not at all shy with people/situations he knows very well BUT I think he is becoming increasingly shy in social situations.
Almost every morning when we get to playschool he now says he doesn't want to go (although he is fine when I pick him up and his teacher says he is mostly fine during the morning). Infact, now I think about it, the only time when he doesn't complain about going to playschool is when he is the first child there, and has his teacher's full attention.
In other social situations he frequently goes all coy, and doesn't want to join in or talk to anyone who tries to be friendly to him. Also, he has recently started saying (quite out of the blue, no prompting from me) "xx can only be my friend. xx can't be friends with yy."
I really don't know how to reply as I don't want to enforce his shyness and at the same time I want to encourage him, in as gentle a way as possible, to enjoy playing with other kids. Are there any good books out there on shy kids? Any advice on what I should/shouldn't say?
I think ds1's shyness has become particularly noticeable in recent months because his younger brother (18 months) is very outgoing. He will smile and babble away to anyone, doesn't tend to mind being picked up and played with and loves being the centre of attention.
I do realise this isn't a hugely important matter in the bigger picture, but I would at least like to make sure I'm not saying all the wrong things!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
bunny2 · 17/03/2004 13:37

Lorien, my ds, 4 in May, is exactly the same. He is a very friendly and happy boy when around people he is comfortable with but prefers time with adults than with other children. I reassure him that everyone at school likes him and try to reinforce the fact that he is popular (I dont know if he is, he rarely talks about the children at school). When I tell him how important it is to have friends he answers "I dont want friends, I just want you and daddy and Uncle *, Nana ...etc"

I have always assumed it is because he is so far, an only child but after reading your post, I am having second thoughts about that. Perhaps they are both quiet by nature and enjoy their own company. I am extrovert but dh isnt, he prefers to read rather than go down the pub.

nutcracker · 17/03/2004 13:38

Lorien - My dd is very much like your Ds. I have lost count of the times that she says xxx won't play with me. What she actually means is that no one came over and asked her to play. She will not go up to anybody and ask them to play. Nursery have commented on it a couple of times and are trying their best to get her to interact more.

All i usually say to my dd is "maybe they were to shy to ask you, why don't you ask them ".
I don't know if it has worked yet.

My elder dd is very outgoing and i think you are right that it does make the other dd seem even more shy.

Can't really think of any good advice at the mo, my mind has gine blank.
All i would say is don't try to make them play with someone as that may make him worse.
Ask his playgroup if there is even one child there that he seems to get on with and take it from there. Ask him if he played with xxxx, what did they/could they play.

Sorry i'm rambling now.

Lorien · 17/03/2004 14:12

Bunny2 and nutcracker,

Thanks for the support and sound advice -- I'm trying not to make a big (or little) deal out of it. But has anyone got any suggestions for books on the topic? I just don't want to enforce his shyness.

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marthamoo · 17/03/2004 14:53

There are a couple of books on amazon here though as I haven't read them I don't know how useful they are.
Can't write more now as am about to go and pick up ds1 (also a shy boy!) from school, but HTH.

madgirl · 17/03/2004 14:53

just an idea- what about inviting one of the other children round after nursery for supper or play, or arrange to meet at the w/end, just to encourage a little bit of bonding???

madgirl · 17/03/2004 14:54

Don't think you sound like that at all Lorien, think you sound like you adore your children and just want them to be happy xx

marthamoo · 17/03/2004 14:54

Don't know whey that doesn't work - click on the "shy child" box at bottom of screen.

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