8 year old daughter playing up very out of character

[mummyOF4darlings]

Wondering if anyone could offer me some tips, my daughter is 8 and in year 3. Shes always been really good at home and at school but last couple months ive been having lots of negative comments from her teacher about her been cheeky, not listening and falling out with other children. Apparently there are 2 other girls who the teacher feels are a bad influence on her and shes trying to keep them seperated as much as possible. 1 of the girls lives near us and she plays with her and im really shocked as shes really nice at home and her mums also really nice so not sure whats going on at school.

At home shes always been really good with her younger siblings but suddenly been really resentful towards them and shes become very resentful about sharing her bedroom with her 3 year old sister. Shes getting very lippy wth me and ive had to ground her yet again and remove some of her items from her room. Shes suddenly obsessed with playing out and wanting to be alot moe independant.

She is also not enjoying going to her grandmas (dads mums) ive not been with her dad since i was pregnant with her and from a bby she has slept at her grandmas and her dad used to live with her but moved out to live with his gf in a 1 bed flat and apparently no room for dd to sleep which i think is a load of crap tbh. Shes seems to be bored at her grandmas now and she said she just sits watching tv or goes to the pub with her grandad which wasnt happy about when i found out. Ive tried talking to her dad and her grandma about her not been happy with situation but they just have the "she'll be right" attitude. Since shes getting older her dad doesnt seem interested at all dont get me wrong i know he thinks the world of her but he used to take her for days out etc but his excuse is he doesnt know what to do with her now shes getting older and he cant afford to take her places she wants to.

I dont know what to do really i i am 99% sure the dad situation is the root of it, ive just got into a relationship too and she said shes fine with it but i dont really know how to play it with her the others think hes my friend but she knows hes my bf.

I feel so sorry for her because she sees my other 3 kids going out with their dad and getting spoiled

Any advice welcome thanks for reading

I should think your new relationship is probably the catalyst tbh.

Her relationship with her dad changed due to a new gf and she feels rejected by him (quite rightly by your post) and I should think that she is terrified the same will happen with you as you now have a new partner.

Not sure what the best thing to do is other than keep being "normal".

Has she met your new partner?

ive only been with my bf just over 2 weeks though this has been going on since before christmas wrse since january when she turned 8. Maybe just an age thing

Ah that wasn't clear from your post!

It could be that she is starting to understand what a knob her dad is and is realising that he is effectively choosing his gf over her and is pushing boundaries to check if you will bugger off and leave her too.

My godson went through exactly the same thing at about the same age - his dad also an arse and picked gf. Over his kids, well drink and drugs to be whole other story.

When did the arrangement with dad change?

yes could be attention i guess, shes always been so laid back and not botherd about anything though. It was summer last year her dad moved out of his mums officially but he had been staying with his gf at her parents for a while before hand but that didnt effect the arrangement. He stays at his mums when dd is there on occasions but as far as i am aware (according to dd) this has only happened 3 times he told me it was once a week (she stays at grandmas friday and saturday) he said gf feels uncomfortable in the flat on her own with rowdy neighbours hence why he wont let dd sleep over i dont know if this is the truth or not, but hes on about moving once contracts up so lets see if anything improves.

I also have a feeling his gf may be pregnant just a little hunch ive had this last few weeks through the odd comment and stuff ive seen on fb, i will be more concerned for my daughter if this is the case

It's not attention seeking in the "normal" way. It's testing your loyalty to her iyswim? she is testing how horrid she can be and still have you be there for her if that makes sense.

If his gf is pregnant and she is already feeling rejected that could make things so much worse!!

We got pregnant quite by accident and went to great pains to make sure my dp's kids weren't affected and we're as fully involved as possible. I hope your ex does same but judging by your posts it's unlikely!

Keep talking to your dd, is there another adult she trusts? An aunt/uncle or family friend that could sit down with you both and offer dd an option to talk to them if she feels uncomfortable talking to you? This worked with my godson and works with my dss. Neither will discuss with their parents if something is up but both will open up to me and then of its anything major to worry about we discuss that I will have to tell mummy/daddy about it as they need to help fix it etc

As an aside she could be right about being bored at grandparents.

Could they be given ideas and funds to do things together, small stuff instead of long bouts of time, cinema trip and wimpy, kids theatre show, would they take her to a fun swimming pool flume ride hot choccie and a bun, that sort of thing.
Maybe they could teach her a craft, buy some nice wool and knit, cook together, do a painting by numbers side by side.
Or engage in a hobby together, geneolgy might be nice.

I am going to continue to talk to her, she is saying she doesnt like going to grandmas anymore but says its not to do with her dad its just that its boring. We have had this routine in place for so long wit the odd acception last few weeks shes not wanted to go ive felt so bad, i need her grandma to look after her though so i can work my younger ones are with their dad.

I dont think there is anyone else she is particually close to apart from her dads neice whos about 18 now she idolises her and shes also very close to her dads dad why she says she likes going to the pub with him :/

I have parents evening next week so i will be talking to the teacher some more see if can get to the bottom of her school behaviour.

She grounded for 2 nights atm for attitude at school and then when i had a word with her about it she got lippy with me, i have taken her ipod and dsi away and ive told her unless her behaviour improves she will be grounded all week and will take her dvd player so will see what happens. I know i need to stick to my guns because i dont want my others copying my 5 year olds behaviour has just settled down dont want him thinking he can go back. See shes always been so good never had any problems at all with her

She deffinately is bored at home she has lots of friends on our street shes always out on her bike and scooter, she takes them with her sometimes and plays out there but she said shes nobody to play with which i think is a big chunk of the problem she loves been out with her friends.
I cant see them doing anything with her like that her grandparents hobbies are sitting in the pub or wmc they hardly drink though so thats a bonus they just go to socialise and he plays pool and darts or watches the football. They used to go wacky warehouse with her a lot but apparently shes been told shes too big not sure if its the place or grandparents whos told her

My 10 yo dss loves wacky warehouse!!

Can grandad teach her to play darts or pool to keep her occupied?

I agree standing your ground is the right thing to do, lids need consistent rules etc and it will help her realise that you are the same with her no matter what her behaviour is.

I hope you find some answers or that she settles down op!

Thank you. Oh if your 10 year old goes im sure she could still get away with it, ive not personally been to the 1 they take have tsken her for a long time but i seem to remember it been quite small. Dont think grandparents are purpously not giving her attention they do look after her well and dote on her think they are just at a loss what to do with her they are both in there 60s and very set in their ways

Ah, my dp's dad is brill with the kids! He is 82 and loves taking them to the park, local river to build a dam or the local soft play places. He is such a lovely bloke! He loves it cos he likes an excuse to go to McDonald's!!

Maybe to u could have a chat with them and explain she is getting bored and it's affecting her behaviour at home, if poss could they try and wear her out by taking her to the local park or something or give them details of local soft play centres maybe?

UPDATE - was going to start a new thread but thought easier to just continue.

DD has been really good all week think the grounding worked well BUT she went to stay at grandparents last night as usual and she normally sleeps Saturdays aswell but 5pm today grandma rang me and said she was been a little horror apparently fighting with her 9 year old cousin and then getting lippy with grandma, she said my daughter was adament that she wanted to come home so for the first time in a long time shes with me on a saturday night.

Her dad was supposed to be staying tonight to spend time with her aswell so she was wanting to see him, ive rang him up and offered him chance to come see her at mine to cheer up and hes turned up for all of half an hour with his gf and were heading to the pub all smartly dressed so something tells me that no matter where dd was they were going out tonight. I wanted to have a serious tal with him about this situation but i dont wanna talk in front of the gf havent got a problem with her but i dont want her butting in etc.

So anyway i work sundays and now havent got a sitter for her as grandma is in a strop told me when went for her if she comes home shes not coming tomorrow as shes got alot on and not deeling with stroppy kids (exact words) so im now stuck for someone to have her waiting on her dad to get back to me but obviously hes out, my mums nowhere to be found and my other kids dad has agreed if cant get anyone she can go with him and kids to his but that is not ideal they arent close even when we were together he never really showed much interest in my dd but at least i know i can rely on someone.

Im so annoyed now with it all, feel like a bad mum there must of been obvious cracks in this routine for sometimes and ive just been letting her go no questions asked