protecting my toddler against pushy and inconsiderate parents

[Lioness3]

Hello fellow mummies. I have question for you all. I took my 2yr old toddler to baby gymnastics today. Its a great place for children up to 5yrs old as there is lots to do with the kids. My son's favourite toy is a ball, he is happy as long as he has a ball to play with. There are a few balls at baby gym and he was playing with a ball just throwing it about when some of children would come and snatch it from him leaving him upset. Initially I just kept going to find another ball for him and just letting them take it.
But it kept happening and most of the parents didn't have the decency to let my son have the ball back given that he was already playing with it. They simply let their children snatch it from him! I left feeling quite upset (still feeling upset) as I don't think I handled it well. I feel I let my son down by allowing people to just take things off him while he was happily playing with them, and I don't want him to think people can just snatch things off him randomly. At the time I didn't really know how to handle it but in retrospect I should have simply pointed out that my son was already playing with the ball and taken it back.
I just feel like I let my son down..?

Some people seem to hesitate to tell off other people's children but not me! Yes, I would have pointed out (politely) that DS was already playing with that so they need to give it back.
Most children would listen in my experience.
If it was my child being naughty I'd be happy for someone to say something.

You so right! I will be more assertive from now on. Thanks for the reply:)

Lioness, I know exactly how you feel, I took my little dd who was 12 months & non walking to a toddler group recently & it was a free for all, tbh I think it was due to the fact the ages were too vast 0-4 really should have been broken into under & over 2s but anything my poor dd worked hard to get literally crawling to other side of room(would be snatched off her immediately:(. Parents didn't notice as too busy enjoying their cuppa & chatting to care. Final straw for me was when she was knocked over by a 15 month old, his mom came over to pick him up, no apologies or is your dd ok, just said wooops I saw that coming grrrrrr.....
Also wouldn't feel comfortable reprimanding other peoples kids, I just try to stick & play with dd & welcome any other kids who come over to join us.
Needless to say we never went back to that playgroup, we found a couple of much smaller ones which just happens to have younger toddlers, so dd plays away independently without having to defend her little finds...
On another note don't get me started on soft play, that's another thread!!!

Indiana7 thanks for the reply:) I agree with you I think play groups need to be broken up into 2yr olds and under and the 2 and over if possible. But I think 0-4 would still work if parents would watch their children a bit more and be more considerate of other children too. I am always surprised at how unfriendly and rude some parents can be. I'm definitely going to more assertive because I get the sense those type of parents are everywhere unfortunately. And we haven't even gotten to school age yet!

Other kids shouldn't be snatching a ball off your ds, but equally your ds has to learn to share. It's not fair on the others if only he is allowed to play with a particular ball for the whole session, and besides you should be encouraging him to try other things. I would have handled it by saying hello to the other child and seeing if they wanted to play ball with your ds.

hippo123. Perhaps you should have asked a bit more about the situation before replying. My son was not playing with ball the whole time only a few mins. I did actually try to encourage the other children to join in and I am extremely courteous and consciously kind and inclusive of other children. I do encourage my son to try other things and he does all the time. I find you answer a bit judgemental.

'He is happy as long as he has a ball to play with'. Perhaps you should have put the correct facts in your op then? Seems like a lot of upset, on your behalf. to me if he was only playing with it for a few minutes. Your right, as I agreed, he shouldn't have had the ball snatched off him. But I think your both going to need to toughen up a bit as this kind of situation is sadly not uncommon. I gave you some advice on how I might have dealt for it, you have a pop. Nice.

lioness, I would have felt the same as you, but I guess you'll find the same percentage of parents who don't care both in real life and on here

Well my little one is now 4 and i am terrified of softplay and busy parks ect because i seem to be the only parent watching their child, and i hate seeing other kids being horrible to her and being aggressive. I always make a point to say something to a child if they are being mean for eg if its an older child i will explain they need to be careful as mine is only 4, and if a child hits i will tell them not to! But i do find some of the other parents so intimidating as when you try to explain that their kids are being unkind they get very defensive and want to start something regardless that there are other children around! All you can do is tell the children not to snatch and praise your own child for sharing

Most parents wouldn't allow an older sibling to take toys away from the younger sibling just because they can. They'd encourage BOTH children to share or find an alternative toy for the sibling who didn't have it first.

Theres a child at nursery who none of the other children want to play with because they say he bites. His behaviour is visibly often aggressive and I've seen staff having to intervene. I wonder if his parent is chilled out, didn't notice or care and left him to toughen up.

Tbh I totally don't get the 'sharing' nonsense at playgroups. How can 2 kids share a toy really....one has it then the other has it that's called taking turns, not sharing surely.

If a little one is playing with a ball and an older one snatches it that's stealing and surely the appropriate reply is 'leave that alone I'm playing with it', not the endless cries of 'share' directed at both kids that I hear all the time. Only a few toys say a play garage with a few cars or a toy kitchen with lots of bits can really be shared, most things are take turns.

I don't know I always intervened with DD1 and she has never really learned how to stand up for herself. She needs to or she will be walked over in the playground. It's probably a personality thing but my youngest will let out a massive disapproving roar (can't talk yet) if anyone steals her things. It's enough to scare a 4 yr old. I do wonder if I had not intervened in DD1s tussles whether she would also have developed this on her own accord. She has been taught a few choice moves at nursery involving shouting no and pushing away if kids annoy her. Certainly it would have better for her to pick up this skill earlier...

Totally understand your feelings but to be honest you need to toughen up. All kids go through stages of snatching and hitting and one day it will be your kid snatching stuff off a younger child.

All kids need to learn to navigate these situations as it only gets worse as they get older and you can't be there on your kids first day if school fighting the battles for them.

Support your child but also teach them to deal with group situations. Otherwise they will always look to you to sort out situations instead of finding solutions for themselves.

Miaow that's disgusting. I'd have sobbed like a baby.

Op, I had a similar thing recently and discovered that it's ok to point other peoples kids in the right direction I've not had chance to yet hopefully I'll dare when the chance does arise

Next time do and see if it helps. Don't be upset. I'm sure DS has forgotten about it already

Just narrate it for the taker

Oh no we don,t take balls from our friends.
You really want a ball.....let me get you one...or look over there.

It is fine to get the ball back for your kid from the kid who has taken it. They need to learn they cannot just take from others like that. You are doing them a favour.

It bugs me to high fury when parents do not watch or discipline their children at these sort of things; i've left soft play on a number of occasions wondering why the heck I was having to basically babysit other peoples kids in order to protect my own.

If the parent is not intervening; as long as you are polite about it I see no problem.

Soft play, playGrounds and baby gyms are surely for teaching small children about getting with other children. If parents intervene all the time then the children don't learn to deal with each other directly.

I doubt your son even noticed. It sounds as you took it personally, try to relax. You didn't let him down, it was a play centre.

It's very easy, always call the other child darling. So

"No darling DS had it first"
" Thank you darling, your turn next"
"No darling, this ball is being played with, there is another of here"

I have used this when my two have been snatched from, smacked on the head with a plastic frying pan (seriously) and pushed down a slide. Very hard then for other parents to object.

Depending on age and crime leads to a certain level of menace in my "darling"

Ha I go with Handrags response albeit with "sweetheart" as my chosen term of endearment for the snatching little beasts little dears.

This sort of thing is common at toddler groups, soft play and pretty much anywhere you have a bunch of small people playing alongside one another. I used to find my maternal hackles raising quite frequently when ds1 was small, but chose to only intervene if the crime was particularly bad (one much bigger boy repeatedly slapping him in the corner of a soft play centre - cue suppressed maternal rage and a very firm "do NOT hit my son!") or if the offense was repetitive and the offender's mum was oblivious or simply uninterested. If the constant stealing of the ball your son wanted to play with was upsetting him then I would have said something to the other child along the lines that Handrags mentioned. It's always easier to say something in a pleasant tone to a child than to have to deal with another mother.

I disagree with poster who said you should not intervene...how can a 2 year old deal directly with an older kid when they neither have the language skills or power to...but you are up against parents who think this and use it as an excuse nit to get involved so they can interact with their I phone.
Young kids need you to model what we do and yes to intervene and show them what is a socially acceptable way of interacting.....otherwise it can get a bit lord of the flies and frankly the kids who have had little intervention from parents are invariably the takers, who just have no concept of sharing etc. and it is ok to say your son is playing with it when he is finished the other kid can take a turn....when your kid is ready.

playing with balls is all about collaboration surely.Ball games are for 2 or more aren't they ?You say your DS is throwing it about, so are teh children picking it up from the ground, or snatching it out of his hands? couldn't you encourage them to throw it back and forth

Secondly I am guessing he is an only child or an eldest? Younger sibs learn to stand up for themselves from a year old.This is what you want to be gradually encouraging and I can see you are starting to do this by modelling.
Thirdly I am a bit shocked at you running off to find another ball for him to play with.he is 2 he let him find another ball himself. I think in general you need to take a step back and learn how to interract with the other kids, which includes standing his ground.