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Original poster

Do you love your other children as much as your first ...

25 replies

wishingchair · 16/03/2004 15:18

... feel awful even thinking it, but I can't figure out if I'm actually broody or just reminiscing about when dd was a little baby (she's now 18mnths).

It's just you look at your first as being the most perfect, gorgeous, super-clever baby ever created. How can your second live up to that???

I do want to have another, but what if I don't love it as much?! Just wondered if anyone else had felt like this but then got their second baby and was just as besotted ...

Am I being really silly??

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fio2 · 16/03/2004 15:19

yes but I think it is a common fear but you do love your 2nd as much as your 1st

lazyeye · 16/03/2004 15:21

I felt exactly that when pg with ds2. I remember the 1st time ds1 came into the hossie after birth of ds2 and I just cried buckets cos I felt like I was pushing him out and our special time had come to an end.

Do you know what I worry about now? That I love ds2 who is at very cute 17mnth stage more than mammouth tantrum throwing 3yr old.......

Oh and also worry about both of them in relation to no3 due to arrive in June.

All part of the process I think. Sounds like you have lots of love to go round.

Tinker · 16/03/2004 15:22

Suspect it is a common fear also. Remember being very upset before my daughter (only child) was born that I wouldn't love her enough. Of course, some parents probably don't like or love their children equally though...

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Tommy · 16/03/2004 15:24

I found I loved 1st even more when 2nd came along and 2nd just as much as 1st. I was worried like you, wishingchair, that 2nd wouldn't be as cute as 1st! (he is )

Twinkie · 16/03/2004 15:24

Oooohhhh just how I have always felt - no child could be as lovely and perfect as DD.

This one will be though and different cause he/she will be part of DP too - well I hope I will feel like that when he/she comes along!!

Original poster

wishingchair · 16/03/2004 15:29

So glad to hear I'm not the only one! My MIL says that that's the thing about love, there's always enough to go around.

I think it's just that I never knew I could love someone as much as I do my dd - it's so different to the love you have for your dh or even your own mum (which is an awful thought - that dd will never know how much I love her till she has children of her own), that I can't imagine feeling this way about another one!!

You're right though - I will - and then like you said lazyeye, you have other worries then!!

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prettycandles · 16/03/2004 15:30

I honestly never felt that way. I was so amazed by my love for ds (my first child), and also by how my love for him had increased my love for my dh, that I just knew there was room in my heart to love more. I felt a bond with ds the moment I first laid eyes upon him, but didn't realise that I loved him until he was 6 days old, and I watched him being cuddled by someone other than dh or me. With dd (my second child) I fell in love with her the moment I saw her - it was as if loving ds had 'primed' me for loving dd. But the truth is that I love them very differently. They are different genders, different ages, different personalities - different children!

I am in a minority, though. Most of the other mums I have spoken to were worried that they couldn't or wouldn't love their second as much as their first, and all, without exception, found that they could and did.

Twinkie · 16/03/2004 15:33

wishingchair I truely believe that no one knows just how much they could love someone until they have children - afterall we would gladly give our lives for them!!

motherinferior · 16/03/2004 15:40

If I'm honest, it took me a little time. I worried even after dd2 was born that I didn't love her as much as her sister - after all I know and adore every bit of dd1, whereas dd2 was this new arrival.

Nine months on, though, I adore them both - they are sooooooo lovely.

SoupDragon · 16/03/2004 15:41

I don't know if I love one DS more than the other - I don't think so. I definitely love them differently though.

Helsbels · 16/03/2004 15:50

I've been worried right through this pregnancy so far (5 Months) that it is not the same as with ds1. I don't feel excited (or even pg)- with ds1 I was reading books and watching tv programmes etc. With this one - I don't have time. Also, I didn't really feel 100% happy until ds1 was 1. I couldn't get to grips with the mummy thing and did not enjoy it. DS1 is now wonderful - I love him so much it hurts but I am scared that I will go through the horrid first year with the next one. I am however sure that love does expand - with me it just takes a while to get to know someone and love them. Perhaps with the second it may be a bit easier because I will know what they will turn into

suedonim · 16/03/2004 15:50

I went through that fear as well, but discovered it's unfounded. The great thing about love is, it isn't a finite thing, it goes on expanding to accomodate the number of children you have, which is four, in my case.

CountessDracula · 16/03/2004 15:54

This is going to sound REALLY silly, but when I was preg with DD I was worried that I wouldn't love her as much as I loved my dog!!!

Makes your fear seem pretty normal in comparison!

Original poster

wishingchair · 16/03/2004 16:00

Helsbels - think that must be sooo normal. You spend your first pg indulging every hint of a makebelieve craving, lounging around on the sofa, reading every week by week guide to pg book you can get your hands on; but with a second, you've been there and done it already

I seemed to spend the first few weeks/months with dd was born, just gazing at her. There's no way that could happen with the second. Probably good for me to have another as can not be good for dd to grow up with that kind of adoring attention

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Helsbels · 16/03/2004 16:02

That's why we've decided to go for it - ds1 was getting altogether too much attention!!!!! Only grandchild/nephew/child - still he's worth it - gone all gooey now thinking of his dear little face and his soopadoopa kisses

hovely · 16/03/2004 16:15

This is such a reassuring thread - there I was this morning after a rubbish night thinking 'why did I have another child?'and feeling such big big RESENTMENT towards little ds who has ruined my wonderful relationship with dd and won't give me a break or a decent night's sleep - but then I see how much dd loves him already & how affectionate she is towards him, & I see ds himself grinning & wriggling & starting to learn about the world - & I know that I love him now & will love him every bit as much as ds when I get to know him as well as I know (and adore) her. I can't believe how much faster it is all going this time though. Too tempting to wish it away on the basis it will get 'easier' when he can sit up/eat same food etc - then he will be off to school before I know it.

Original poster

wishingchair · 16/03/2004 16:38

Ah hovely - that's made me go all sniffly.

Parenthood is amazing isn't it (conveniently forgetting here the food that gets thrown on the floor, the sleepless nights, the countless times you have to say "no, don't touch the fire/poke the cat in the eye/put your shoes in the toilet" etc)

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dinosaur · 16/03/2004 16:40

Yes, yes, yes - my DS2 is the apple of my eye.

It did take me a little bit longer to fall in love with him than DS1 - it was immediate with DS1, but it wasn't long until I was completely smitten with him, and I still am.

Even lovelier is seeing the two of them together

coppertop · 16/03/2004 17:03

Definitely yes! They are completely difeerent little people with different little personalities but equally adorable. You can't beat the sound of 13mth old ds2 giggling hysterically about something his big brother has just done.

marthamoo · 16/03/2004 17:04

I was worried about this too - just could not imagine loving another person in that absolute- adoration-with-every-particle-of-your-being, love that I have for ds1. But I found I can and I do My children hate each other, however, that's another story

bundle · 16/03/2004 17:07

I never worried about this, but felt strangely detached during pregnancy, partly because we'd had a scare during a scan that dd2 might have a terminal condition, I didn't want to get too close to her until I thought it was ok I suppose. a couple of nights ago during a screaming hissy fit (hers, not mine!) dd2 & me gazed into each other's eyes and I absolutely melted into tears, can't understand why then but it felt like true true love and was sublime

roisin · 16/03/2004 20:06

I love both my boys, they are both so different, and so special just because they are mine.

I must admit, though, I find myself constantly having to make a conscious effort to be as excited and thrilled about ds2's achievements as ds1. For me all ds2's milestones and triumphs have been very special and precious ... but just not quite as magical as the first time with ds1.

Does anyone else find this?

Coddy · 16/03/2004 20:07

Ditto cd - alto it was a cat

think its the pg hormones

kiwisbird · 16/03/2004 20:13

never thought I could but oh god do I
There is room trust me

madgirl · 16/03/2004 20:22

rofl CD : mad dogs and english women............

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