Has anyone ever told off your child & how did you feel?

[Lethal]

Hi.. I ask the question mainly because I've been having some 'defiance' issues with my ds for a few months now (he's nearly 4), which has lead to a couple of people telling him off. Other than that, he's generally a good natured kid who hasn't caused me many other problems. Maybe it's his age??? I'm hoping that has something to do with it - I don't like to think that he has become so incredibly strong willed.

What I'd like to know is - do your children generally obey when another adult tells them to do something? As I said, ds is generally pretty good, but if he really wants to do something, he will do it - even if someone has told him not to. This 'lack of fear' of adults has me a little bit concerned, but I don't know how normal it is.

Most recently, the other night a woman yelled at ds for touching something that she had told him not to... it wasn't anything breakable and in my opinion she probably overreacted, but I know that the point is, he should've done what he was told. He was very upset when she yelled at him, his face crumbled and he started to cry, so I took him out of the room and explained to him that he should've listened to her. I felt very annoyed with the woman but at the same time I understood that people probably find it irritating when a child doesn't listen to them. Any thoughts? I really don't want him to be seen as a 'problem' child.

robinw, I guess I felt that she had singled him out. She put him on the time-out chair 3 times in two weeks (he only goes two days a week), which meant 3 times in four days... and he had only just started there. He had barely had any time to settle in and get used to their routines and expectations. I also witnessed an incident in the playground where she blamed my ds for something which wasn't even his fault, because I had been watching the whole thing. It was this incident (on top of everything else) that made me decide to put him in another centre.

I am not concerned at all about someone telling my child off, provided it is warranted - and not someone completely overreacting. If ds does something wrong, I would expect him to get told off for it - but it depends entirely on the circumstances, and the way it is done.

eemie - wow, a whole breakfast time debate about behaviour - dp and I have just had a good old discussion about your question, so thanks for asking it, it was fascinating.

No, of course we are not expecting our one year old to take responsibility for his own behaviour, but we are really hoping to one day have a big boy who does take responsiblity. So what we want right now is a child who is learning how to take responsibility.

Our absolute favourite method is distraction, as we feel this is a very important skill even as an adult - rather than dwelling on the thing you can't do, get on and make something of the thing you can do!

But we do prefer "no" to moving things out of the way. It is better that he knows that there are cups, or hi-fis, or remote controls etc. in this world, but that they are for adults, not children. This means that when he does come across these objects he is familiar with them, so his wonderful natural curiosity doesn't put him into danger. He has a very keen sense of what is an adult object and what is suitable for him.

However, we have only the one child so far, and we have the world's most risk averse child. If we accidentally leave the stairgate open he makes a point of going and shutting it! We were all playing/cooking together in the kitchen the other day - with the oven door wide open and the grill on. He knows not to touch the oven and steered completely clear of it, he had absolutely no interest in it at all, as it is part of the adult world and held no excitement or pleasure for him. But, as I say, we know that we do have a particularly risk averse son and that if we ever have a second child things might be totally different!

My sister doesn?t see my girls very often and has no children of her own. She takes great pleasure in telling mine off or picking them up on their manners (which I think are pretty good most of the time). It makes me livid as I think she is only doing it to show me what a great mum she "could" be and old sibling rivalry comes out. I would rather a complete stranger told them off than her!! (only if I weren?t around - if I was present, I would expect an adult to discuss their problem with me rather than my child and leave it up to me to do something about it, unless an instant issue of danger or health risk)

Fisil, don't worry that if you move things now, he will turn into a destructive monster - it really doesn't work like that. At one, he really doesn't have the ability to understand the concept you are trying to teach him. I agree, his whole development depends on touching, handling and mouthing as many things as possible - it's instinctive and really important for him to do this, so telling off is useless IMO. Moving things that are breakable etc is much more practical. Later on, however, he WILL be able to understand. IMO you will save yourself a lot of conflict and broken stuff if you continue to move things out of reach though. My ds is now 2/1/2 and a quite different person to who he was at one - much more able to understand instructions. I really don't believe the idea that if you don't do something when they are 12months, it will have catastrophic effects later on.
I ALWAYS move stuff away from small children if I think they might break it/it might hurt them.
I only tell off kids if they are hitting my son or calling him names and their parents aren't doing anything - I usually just say something quite calm but frosty like, "don't do that. It's not nice' and whisk ds away. I would expect the same, except I have so far always been there first and told ds off myself. I wouldn't shout at someone else's kid, unless they were about to, say, step into a busy road or bring down a metal truck on a baby's head, and I needed their attention immediately. If someone yelled at my son and made him cry, I will be extremely hacked off with them. It's out of order IMO. The other day though, a kid snatched ds's toy, and ds looked to me to get it back, and I said, "go to the boy and say, "Can I have my toy back please' " - and he did, and the boy was so suprised he handed it over without a murmur. I was VERY pleased.

Childless people who tell your kid off make my blood boil. And I wouldn't hesitate in telling them to stop. They are just being rude and showing off, in a thoroughly childish manner. Often women are trying to show that if they had kids, they'd be better parents than you are. I also hate them if they insist on lots of pleases and thank yous from very tiny kids - often when they don't bother with them themselves!

Hmm ... I think there is a real difference between telling off a child, particularly a very young one, who's being closely supervised by adults: compared with telling off older children, whose carers may not have noticed what they are doing.

I "tell off" children all the time, and I would like to think others do the same to mine, but often other adults decline to take any responsibility for other peoples' children. Examples would be: Telling children "don't run" by the side of the pool, or in the changing room; Reminding children not to throw sand in the pit at the swingpark; Telling children to move out of the way if the are obstructing the entrance to the playground.

Wherever possible (as with my own), I would try and take some time to explain to the child the reasons, but sometimes it's just not possible, and sometimes they know full well anyway, and are just exploiting a situation where they think no adult is going to pick up on their behaviour.

just got round to reading this thread. I find myself increasingly intolerant of people who tell my children off.

Actually I blame mumsnet for this a little - I have read so many behaviour and parenting threads that I feel I have a much better handle on what other parents genearlly consider acceptable behaviour and punishment in social situations. So now, if I feel someone is wrong to tell off my child, I feel much mofe justified in feeling that way. It's not just mumsnet of course - I have had 10 years of being a parent and feel more confident in me.

I am fine about teachers, cub leaders, etc telling off my sons. I am also mostly fine about parent friends too, but strangers, especially those with no children, get less leeway with me. I have answered back to telling off adults if I do not agree with them and (later) told my sons to ignore what the silly person has said -while still telling them off if they have been in the wrong.

TBH roisin I wouldn't class any of those examples as "telling off". I have asked older, boisterous kids to move out of the baby section at a ball pool when DD was little, just said "you do know this is the baby's play area, don't you?" in a friendly way and they've moved (at least whilst I was in sight!).

The examples others have mentioned, with relatives overstepping the line, and shouting at kids in front of parents seem very different.

A while ago we took my ds (then 3 1/2) to have a meal at a friend's house. This friend has never had children.

Anyway after eating we were sat round the table talking, and ds entertained himself for a while, then climbed back onto his chair and picked up some pasta that was left on the serving dish (now cold) and ate it. My friend was very sharp with him, and told him he was naughty and rude.

I was actually very annoyed with my friend. DS was doing no harm, and hadn't interrupted us or done any damage. I didn't say anything to my friend (was actually gobsmacked that she'd done it), but we left quite soon after.

I have decided that we don't take ds to her house again. I really didn't think it was her place to tell him off, and didn't think what he did was a telling off issue either (not that he helps himself with his fingers at home you understand)

I don't mind someone telling off my children if they deserve it, and I didn't see what they did. But what I hate is people telling them off for no reason!

My sister (okay she is only 20 and at uni) recently had a job looking after 3 kids. She was telling me one day that she found it very difficult disciplining them because she couldn't shout at them. That's fine, but she then went on to say that when she finds it easier looking after my kids, because she can just shout at them! Needless to say, she hasn't looked after them since...