Has anyone ever told off your child & how did you feel?

[Lethal]

Hi.. I ask the question mainly because I've been having some 'defiance' issues with my ds for a few months now (he's nearly 4), which has lead to a couple of people telling him off. Other than that, he's generally a good natured kid who hasn't caused me many other problems. Maybe it's his age??? I'm hoping that has something to do with it - I don't like to think that he has become so incredibly strong willed.

What I'd like to know is - do your children generally obey when another adult tells them to do something? As I said, ds is generally pretty good, but if he really wants to do something, he will do it - even if someone has told him not to. This 'lack of fear' of adults has me a little bit concerned, but I don't know how normal it is.

Most recently, the other night a woman yelled at ds for touching something that she had told him not to... it wasn't anything breakable and in my opinion she probably overreacted, but I know that the point is, he should've done what he was told. He was very upset when she yelled at him, his face crumbled and he started to cry, so I took him out of the room and explained to him that he should've listened to her. I felt very annoyed with the woman but at the same time I understood that people probably find it irritating when a child doesn't listen to them. Any thoughts? I really don't want him to be seen as a 'problem' child.

The other day in Asda, my dd1 was standing in a trolly, she wasnt jumping in it or leaning out or anything, but when she saw her dad she leaned over a little bit to say hello. The greeter person on the doors told her off, and she got upset. in my eyes she was doing no wrong, and in that situation i would've have preferred he talk to me if he was worried about my daughter hurting herself. as it is, his is a moany old man and i was gonna report him, but just couldnt be bothered. because of him my dd1 went silent and just wanted to go home, she hid from him on the way out, and probably will again.

My DS is 4, and is strong willed with me and my DP. It just shows he has a 'personality'!!!!!Sometimes I actually like someone else telling him off as he is more likely to listen to them than to me.

You probably feel protective over him which is perfectly normal, it's hard when other people have different boundaries than you. It is good for him to see that other people may expect different behaviour than what he is used to at home, it will hopefully help for when he goes to school.

Kids always behave differently when their mum's are around, you may be suprised by his behaviour when you are not there.

I agree with smellymelly that most kids behave better when they are not with their parents. I know I did when I was little. My DS is obviously being told off by others in nursery, but I am not sure how I would feel if I was in the room. It all depended on the circumstances I think.....

I think I would struggle with another adult telling my child off whilst I am physically present. That's my job and I would be very likely to tell said adult to 'butt out'. It depends on circumstances though - if my back was turned and I didn't see the 'offence' I might let it go if the fellow adult told my dd off. Also a lot is about how they do it - whether you think the anger / irritation expressed by the adult in the 'telling off' is disproportionate to the 'crime'.

I would only get annoyed if another parent told my child(ren) off if it was disproportionate to the "crime" or if DS was simply reacting to something done to him. I would expect the telling off to only be of the "That's not nice/ we don't do that/I asked you not to do X" level, no shouting.

I think children do take more notice of what other adults say. They just seem to switch off when a parent talks to them!

Ds is only 1, so I'm not sure how I would react in your situation. However, I get annoyed when people don't tell ds off.

For example, if someone else notices that ds is just about to touch something he shouldn't and so they silently pick it up and move it out of his way. I think this gives him totally the wrong signals. We prefer to give him a bit of respect and tell him a firm "no" and let him take the responsibility for stopping himself. Part of my reason for this is that I can see that a few years further down the line he might think "musn't let people see me touching it" rather than "musn't touch it." Somehow I have a feeling that if people did act like this with younger children we might avoid the kind of scenarios with older children that you are describing. Hope that makes sense.

When SIL and BIL last visited they told DS1 off constantly. (in OUR house). It really peed me off as he wasn't being naughty- he was being autistic. (Things like SIL wanted a sleep in the afternoon and he kept going into the room.- well he's non verbal- and allowed in that room every other day- I can't keep him out of there- and anyway if you can't handle autistic behaviour then don't come to our house). It actually made me very sad to hear him constantly being shouted at- especially as he likes nothing more than to please- and he kept going back - and kept being told off. He reminded me of a dog that's continually being told off. Anyway- never again- I have my answers ready for next time.

Fisil, sadly it doesn't seem to work that way After the umpteenth "No" I usually gave up and moved the contentious item. Then they simply moved onto another thing. Sigh.

I remember you saying that baout your BIL& SIL, Jimjams. It's the sort of thing you expect (a few times at the beginning) from new friends, not family.

I think it would depend upon the circumstances. Obviously I haave no problem with the pre-school staff telling ds1 he should/shouldn't be doing something while he is in their care. I've had a few experiences similar to Jimjams, mostly due to my elder (childless) brother. He was holding ds1's comfort toy just out of reach, and ds1 was having a complete meltdown. I'd only been out of the room for about 30 seconds. Db was saying "You're not getting it until you say please!" Not only would this sentence have been complete gibberish to ds1 (autistic) but the whole concept of when to say please is entirely beyond his understanding. I explained through gritted teeth that the concept of 'please' was as far beyond ds1 as the concept of autism obviously was for db. My family are still convinced that I'm just neurotic and that ds1 is fine. Db just said "Huh!" and went back to reading MY newspaper!

Lethal, she had NO right to yell at your child IMO. A polite, quick, "I asked you not to touch that" and moving the object in question would have done the trick. There are certain friends of mine who are completely at liberty to tell my ds off but they're friends I've known a long time and we agree on discipline issues so it's unlikely they'd do it inappropriately. If I'm in someone else's house where the rules are different to mine I'm happy for those rules to be explained and enforced (as long as they're reasonable!) with my ds. i.e. I'd expect my friend to say to ds "we don't leave the table until everyone's finished in our house" and ask him to sit back down if he tried to leave earlier. Although if I was there I'd likely be doing the enforcing. And yes, sometimes he's more likely to listen to someone who isn't me but I'd only expect that someone to deal with whatever the problem was after checking with me first. Some friends have offered in the past - "do you want me to tell him off?" and I've accepted since I think it'll work because they're not me! There have been a few f**g fours threads recently, it's not an easy age, but touching something he was asked not to sounds about par for the course and not awful behaviour.

Soupdragon/Fisil, I never managed to cure ds1 of touching things. He's 28 now and if we go shopping, he still can't resist picking things up and generally meddling!

TBH I don't think I'd be too impressed if someone else decided to tell DD off in front of me. I think the nearest experience i've had was when DD was about 16m, she took a toy ff another child and the child's mother said to DD "you musn't snatch, you must say "pleae may I have a turn?"". Found that ridiculous as although DD was chatty at 16m, that sort of understanding was beyond her and the bl**dy woman completely ignored her own DD who was lobbing wooden bricks at other kids' heads and laughing when they landed on target!

Hats off to you Jimjams, relatives behaving like that would have found themselves at the nearest Travel Lodge if they tried that here!

but sometimes its good when a person in a shop tells (ds1) not to swing onthe till ropes because he doesnt do it again!

but sometimes its good when a person in a shop tells (ds1) not to swing onthe till ropes because he doesnt do it again!

We took DS1 and DS2 to a local pub (which prides itself on being family friendly) for lunch. Anyway, they were running their toy cars along the side of the bar because they liked the noise it made. I didn't think they were doing any real harm, but the barman/landlord told them off because he said it would scratch the bar. I thought this was a bit odd because anybody sitting on a bar stool at the bar will be kicking the bar with their feet, which presumably damages it even more!

Anyway, I didn't make an issue of it and the DSs did stop doing it, but they then started running around making aeroplane noises which was worse!

I'll say something next time marialuisa- it's SIL's dh more than her really which makes it awkward. This time we tried the reasonable approach- explaining everything for example why "just giving him a good smack" (one suggestion from him) would not have the desired effect. I DID tell him off when he made a friend's 2 year old cry by snatching a toy away from him whilst we were babysitting. He said he was old enough to understand that he shouldn't be playing with ds1's special toy (ds1 was nowhere to be seen and not remotely interested in who had his toy). He was so clueless, that I put up with it, but never again.

Trips to thier house have been more awkward- as obviously people are entitled to make ground rules in thier own house. Whether or not we can make ds1 understnad those rules is a different matter. We're thinking of buying a motorhome

I told a group of boys off in the infants' playground last week. They generally spend time whilst waiting for the whistle kicking a stick or something around (can't think why one of them doesn't bring a ball ;o) ). I don't mind this even though the stick has hit my ankle occasionally. However, last week they started throwing the stick (which on this occasion was about 7 ins long and about 1in in diameter). It flew past a friend's head and we both said to the boys that they really shouldn't throw the stick. 5 minutes later it came flying through the air, hit my friend on the head, bounced off and hit me in the chest - it was jolly painful for quite some times afterwards. I told the boys off quite forcefully as (a) they'd already been told not to throw, (b) their mums were busy chatting and probably hadn't seen what was happening and (c) I'd have been hard-pressed to work out which child belonged to which mum!

I had about 5 little boys all looking at me aghast - I didn't shout, but I think they realised that they should have taken notice of us the first time. No sticks have been thrown since.

If any of the mums had objected to what I said, I would have felt rather aggrieved. None of them was paying attention - if they had, they'd have seen them throwing the stick and, imo, should have done something about it. At the end of the day, my friend and I were hurt (it could have been a lot worse had it hit someone in the face) and telling them off was a bit of an automatic reaction.

Having said that, I have been mightily hacked off in the past when I was in the process of remonstrating with one of my boys to have the then headmistress come steaming in and tell them off herself. Totally out of order.

I think I'm getting a bit of a complex about ds because back in February, his teacher told me that she'd had to put him in time-out on the second morning of starting in her class. His SECOND day - he'd only just started there and it was a new environment for him. And he was only 3 1/2!! Anyway, when I asked her why, she said "He wasn't listening to me. I had to tell him a couple of times to do something, so I put him on the time-out chair." It's not like he was hitting anybody - I thought she was being a bit tough on his second day.

Then the following week, she put him on the time-out chair again, apparently for not listening to her. When I asked what his crime was, she said "he left the table too early at morning tea time". Then he apparently got a time-out again the next day, and this time she told me it was because he was pretending to shoot a gun with a small plastic toy. She told him to stop it, and when he didn't, she put him on the time-out chair again. At this point I was starting to worry, because she said he was the only child who had been on the time-out chair (so far). I really started to worry that he'd become so defiant that he wasn't listening to his teacher in a group situation, but I also felt that this woman seemed to have somewhat of a controlling attitude & I was really starting to dislike her.

What do others think about this? The end result is that I took him out of that centre and he's now going to another one (which has been a lot better), but I'm still worried that ds may be a bit more defiant that the average child. Or maybe this woman took a dislike to him..? I'm just not sure.

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Ds1 is particularly defiant to me, always has been, and although he used to listen to my mum, he's now playing her up too. But a few weeks ago he got told off big time at nursery, and he's been an absolute angel there ever since.
I only have to glare at ds2 and his bottom lip starts to quiver, so it just goes to show that even though I've treated them the same in terms of discipline, they both react very differently.
There was one time when my cousin told ds1 off, and actually smacked his hand (although not hard), and that REALLY ticked me off. Ds1 had shoved ds2, who was then just a very small baby, and admittedly I reached towards him to tap his hand. But my cousin got there first and did it, and I was speechless. My other cousin, her sister, was there too, and we just stared at eachother open mouthed. Still not forgiven her.

Lethal (how did you get that name?) Your son is not the problem and I'm glad and relieved to hear you moved him. Sounds like the teacher was not skilled enough at getting his attention, and not patient enough to give him a reasonable chance to learn new norms, like when you can leave the table.

Fisil, I'm baffled by your post. Are you saying you think a one-year-old should be taking responsibility for his behaviour?

I subscribe to the Scandanavian view that, at that age, it's his job to explore, touch, try out, experience everything he can possibly lay his mitts on and the adults' job to make sure that anything that could hurt him is out of reach. Otherwise you spend an awful lot of time saying 'no' when you could be having fun and playing.

If other adults have problems with my daughter's behaviour I think they should speak to me. It's different with nursery and school - she wouldn't be there if I wasn't sure they would deal with her in a way that I'd approve of.

But I've seen both my nephew and my daughter's friend told off by strangers in a totally inappropriate way. The tellers-off were not ill-intentioned but just unskilled and insensitive with small children. The parents would have done it in a way that would have made the message stick, i.e. by telling the child what to do instead of what not to do.

Come to mention it, I wish people would deal with me that way, by emphasising the positive and concentrating on what I do right. We would all be better parents, maybe better people, if that kind of treatment continued beyond school age.

eemie, thanks for that bit of input - I didn't really feel comfortable with the woman from Day 1 (ds' teacher). The thing that saddens me is that I think she saw a lot of independence and/or confidence in ds and took a dislike to him, because he didn't jump to attention whenever she spoke. I felt a bit of a 'cold vibe' from her, even when I spoke to her myself. I DO understand that kids must be obedient and do what they're told by their teachers, but I don't think she even gave him a chance. I am just so lucky to have found a place for him somewhere else, otherwise I think he might've had a miserable year.

'Lethal' is just a nickname that a guy at work gave me a few years ago - it sounds a bit like my real name so he thought he'd make it sound interesting

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