Planning to be a stay at home dad

[TheSprogfather]

We're seriously considering me giving up my full time job and becoming a SAHD, and would be keen to hear the experiences of others who have gone down this route.

My wife and I finding that us both working largely full time and having our DD in nursery for several long days each week isn't working for us. I really relish the time spent with our 14-month old DD, while my wife finds full days of childcare a struggle. Although we both earn similar money, my wife really gets a lot out of her work and needs to focus on it full time, whereas I'm get little fulfilment out of my job. Also, nursery seems to lead to ongoing colds and illness for our DD and her getting overtired.

It will mean a substantial income cut but the figures look to stack up, as we save on nursery and my commuting costs. I do have concerns about getting back into the job when DD goes to school; I'm thinking of doing some freelance or consulting work one-day a week to stay up-to-speed with my profession but difficult to know how this will pan out.

I've read posts about SAHD feeling isolated from the parenting community. I'm hoping this won't be the case - getting along to activities each day looks to be a good way of providing structure to the routine - but again it's another concern.

I have encountered several comments when taking DD to the doctors and like that make Dad doing a childcare seem really unusual. I hope that in 2014 we're not quite such a rare and curious breed. Would really like to hear others' experiences.

DH gave up his job when I went back after maternity leave when we had our first child six years ago. He enjoyed it - he's much more naturally at ease with children than I am - but toddler groups were a no. He's pretty shy and they are daunting situations for women to child with, even worse for men. He went back part time a year later, partly for financial reasons but also for his sanity.

There are plenty of dads at the school gate but it was harder when the DC were younger - while we've made friends along the way, the people you are thrown together with due to parenthood are hugely varied and it has taken a long time to find our feet. This would have been harder still if DH alone had been doing childcare.

Now I work part time and he works shifts which is a good balance between time together with the DC, minimised childcare and income.

I think I would encourage you to try to keep doing something career wise. It is a short time until school, unbelievably so. In my experience it works best when we're both working to some extent - keeps up the spirit of compromise and mutual support. Oh and make sure you both keep up some leisure time - v important!

I agree with scottishmummy 3 years with no work at all not even part time is going to be viewed as lazy in the cureent climate its best to keep hand in a bit.

Tbh id recommend somepaid work to any SAHP, even one day a week.

My husband and I both do PT. DH loves his time with DS. Round here lots of dads do similar - they are still in the minority but there are enough dads around to make it feel no different from being a mum iykwim. DH goes to play groups, swimming, school run etc and has lots of mum and dad friends. He even co-runs the local toddler group and no one would bat an eyelid that he isn't a woman. The kids love it, it's really beneficial for them to have positive male role models. Go for it, I say!

I don't have any personal experience (although it would have been a route we'd have loved to go down if our circumstances allowed) but I wanted to add that as the toddler group I go to there is at least two SAHD's that come every week. I've found that most of the exclusively female groups tend to be for newborns

3year out in a fast moving field is a lot.if he d out esme give up work,keep up contacts go work drink occasionally.don't just disappear off radar
And whilst wife may want ft she need to allow him a way in,back to work

What a lot to think about! The work concerns are definitely there but I'm hoping the break and space will give me the opportunity to work out what I really want to do and potentially develop a WFH business (as I'm getting very little fulfilment out of my current job, although it pays ok).
I'm not sure how realistic it is to do this just one day a week (when DD will be at grandparents) but the possibility is attracting me more than the daily grind and long commutes of my current job.

DH was a SAHD for 7 years. He also, would rather poke his eye out with a stick than attend toddler groups so DD rarely if ever did these, though he did take her occasionally to baby music sessions at the library (mainly I suspect because there were other dads there)

It's becoming more common now, but when he started (DD is now 12) men were rare in the playground and he said he either got unnecessarily "helped" by mothers or looked at sideways with suspicion.

DH simply did not conform to the tried and tested 'Mummy path' He took DD to places that interested him. Consequently DD has been taken to more art galleries and museums than your average child. He's a scientist, so it was not unusual for me to come home and find collections of bugs or pictures of butterflies everywhere. He would also take her frequently to the pub with him where she was so well known that she would happily sit behind the bar being fed orange juice and crisps or would 'help' the bar staff clean tables.

Once dd started school he would work occasional hours for a friend (met in the same pub) who had a business nearby. He actually found getting a full time job relatively easy given he is quite specialised. When writing job applications he was very open about what he had been doing for the last 7 years. His first job post SAHD was in a medical research project where his proven childcare skills were considered an advantage as some of the research subjects were children. Because he consciously decided to step off the career ladder, finding work has never been a problem for him as he is highly skilled and applying for jobs that normally wouldn't be able to pay for someone with his background. He does get asked about this but the explanation that he wants to spend more time with his child is treated in a completely different way than if a woman came up with that line.

As an aside, DD constantly annoys the boys in her school by being effortlessly at the top of the science classes and knowing way more than they do about just about any topic. Normally adolescent girls start to drop STEM subjects when puberty hits but DD is bucking this trend, despite pressure from her peers. I attribute this to a love of science installed at her father's knee.

How about pursuing a qualification whilst you SAHD? An MBA or something of that ilk? it will give you a link back to the work place, allow you a sabbathical to think and pursue ideas. I have a student like that, and it been a fantastic move for him. It's opened up so many opportunities that he'd not considered before.

What's your skills set?is WFH achievable,who'd would finance the start up if you're not working
I think a few years space and break to get self together,sounds a bit indulgent hippy
I think completely giving up work is too risky,and you need contacts and name it get a business off ground

I'd suggest both work out an immediate and 3yr plan,of where you want and need to be .you need to maintain a route back to work

As an aside,I think interestingly you're getting a different perspective and advice here.I've never seen a mum planning to give up work told
Keep hand in
Study
Plan your return
Usually women are reassured they'll be so busy with tasks,racing to kids clubs,and supporting partner that they couldn't possibly work.oh and all the precious moments

Is 'precious moments' an automatic win in strident working mummy bingo?

It might be that OP will need to actually be at home for a couple of months to get a realistic feel for what kind of WFH might work or what kind of PT childcare would be needed to make it work.

I took the opportunity of all that childcare when DH was a SAHD to get another degree myself.

In fairness, the OP himself raised the question of return to work in his opening post, so these were valid concerns to have included. He may or may not have been advised to consider this if he hadn't mentioned it - my normal answer on this is to think about your five year earning potential. It may be that if you only break even on childcare in year 1 it is worth considering if you look at the five year picture (esp for a child who clearly enjoys nursery, which my ds didn't, really, he likes to be at home).

The OP has also said he wants to use this as a career break as well as period of full-on SAHPing, i.e. to consider his longer term options and find something that suits him and his family better.

I do think a female poster posing the same scenario would have got similar answers. A female poster who had said she had no intention of returning to the workforce might have got a difference response to the OP.