falling on death ears! kids dont listen to a word.

[mouses]

wasn't quite sure what name to give this thread?

ds's are 9 and 12 and never, never listen first time when asked to do something. probably describing most kids here but its grinding me down and I get worried if I get frustrated as I have bad anxiety and depression and a simple debate can cause rage in me!

I know I lack persistence and tone in my voice and more but I try my best.

few examples of everyday repetition:

.time to get up, still in bed 10mins later - time for bed...still up an hour later whispering to each other.
.put items away after use - milk, juice, bread, cereal. often left open to go stale!
.flush the chain as I often walk into a used toilet/bathroom.
.pick up your clothes, put away your clothes - washing left sprawled over the floor and 2 days of asking its still there?!
.shut doors after opening, turn lights off!
.lower your voices, get an ok, then 5mins later have to ask again.
.brush teeth / hair for school, get shoes on...get shoes on...GET SHOES ON WE'RE LATE!!

I can ask them to do something and its like talking to the wall, the amount of times I repeat myself, it should be drummed in by now surely? get up, get washed, brush teeth... shouldn't need reminding daily?
it would really help if they co-operated, the house would be a better less shouty place! Im just trying to get them to learn basic hygiene and life skills but they're making it rather hard and stressful.

I was going to start pocket money, but after lurking on a recent thread about pocket money - that most dont agree it should be given it return for chores, im lost for ideas?

what advice can you offer please. sorry its long.

yes, ballistic...very angry.

I think you need to go back to basic with manners and kindness. With both boys.

Someone is speaking...YOU LISTEN
Someone is doing something for you...YOU THANK THEM
If you want help....ASK NICELY

and that goes for everyone!

Don't let them ride roughshod over you or your requests, YOU are the parent.

ALSO don't tolerate them bickering amongst themselves, you will have to get involved then one will be smug and the other will be hurt...you cannot win. I used to call through with a warning "don't make me come in there"...usually they would sort things, and if not and I had to go in there then they would all be in trouble! I call that the Law Of Universal Misery.

mostly the punishments for that would be room tidying, laundry sorting, homework all under strict supervision while I drink coffee and ponder aloud about how much nicer it would be to be watching tv/out/making cakes if only everyone had been a little bit nicer and kinder to one another.

I do like a bit of guilt parenting.

Have managed to raise three of them to 21, 19 and 16 without too much trauma. :o

catsmamma i do get very angry, every day is angry day im tryin to avoid it as its doing my mental health no good.

with the bickering i try to let them sort it out? wrong move then? for example their bedroom will be a mess so i ask for it to be cleaned. i get ''its his mess'' no its his mess'' debate so i say well decide between you whos mess it is before your both out the room.

they continue to bicker, so computer / tablet banned. then they just sit on the beds and bicker more! by this time i need to leave the room and take time out before i lose it. (usually cry!)

i have to add im a lone parent and have no family members help what so ever. reading back i sound like im making excuses - but im trying my best, especially as having depression leaves me exhausted on its own.

okay, so maybe angry is the wrong word...serious, strong, immovable.

and yes and no for the bickering....don't let them nip and dig at each other...but do let them get on with RESOLVING it....makes for excellent negotiation skills, which WILL come back to bite you when they are teens, but you also know they will get along with everyone easily!

Give them an ultimatum for the rooms...Beds made, clean laundry away, toys organised, dirty laundry in the bathroom....maybe break it down into stages, but also make it clear there will be consequences for inaction/refusal.

You may have to go in there and gut the room, with or without them, but once it is done stay on top of it.

Try and stay calm and unflustered, if you have asked for something to be done then it must be done. Yes this gets us back to the repetition, and you will have to step up the supervision to ensure stuff gets done, but once they know you mean what you say there will be less faffing and general rebelliousness.

Even a family chat, along the lines of "no one likes xxxxx,, but it has to be done and then we can get on with the rest of the fun stuff" Very Mary Poppins.....as I said earlier, back to basics and build back up.

My dd seems to be genuinely unable to see what needs to be done to tidy her room. So I tend to issue very specific instructions and not all at once otherwise she just forgets. Maybe you must sit down on a bed and watch them, directing what they must do.

I know that passing on the depression to your dc's is a big worry, and it's true that there is a genetic component to it. However don't see depression in every symptom. If ds1 cries it's probably because hormones are kicking in and he is feeling all over the place and genuinely doesn't know why. Give him a hug if he will let you.

Ds2 sounds like an absolute perfectionist. Maybe do some research on how to handle perfectionists?

Thinking about what LastingLight says, DS2 might be a perfectionist, have high standards. Or as the middle child DS2 could think along the lines of having to protect his position against a competent bigger brother and cute little sister. They're almost competitors for your attention.

Maybe a bit more teamwork will help so he learns the benefit of cooperation. "Let's share this chore between us, what part would you like to do?"

You already give individual attention to each DC and probably encourage their accomplishments and efforts . Maybe 'big up' any occurence of helpfulness and generosity, praise their good behaviour. (That Mary Poppins analogy of Catsmamma's is pretty useful isn't it!).

thanks for all your help and advice, i will take it all on board!

lasting the depression does put a block on emotions, things seem so much effort and stressfull and i just lack motivation. which i know makes parenting so much harder.

the depression does put a block on emotions, things seem so much effort and stressfull and i just lack motivation. which i know makes parenting so much harder.

Been there, done that, got the tear soaked t-shirt. I only have one child, I have endless admiration for you who has to deal with 3.

well im cracking down on it, today for example: last night i told them at 9pm it was time to get to bed, ds1 was just drying from his bath, 20mins later ds1 was messing around in the room still with towel on and making a lot of noise. so i said no tablet tomorrow!

typical of boys at that age (IME - I have no girls so can't comment if just boys !).

Bed time - go up and turn their lights out and shut doors (assuming not in same room).

Toilets - make them both come back and flush it (have done that with my 3 and now mostly cracked that one :)).

Shoes/clothes etc - pick a time when they aren't doing anything important and make them do it NOW.

Putting stuff away - call them down from whatever they are doing to put them away - they get really narked if you interrupt their fun - eventually they learn to do it (nearly there with mine). Same with lights and doors.

Getting up - go in, pull curtains, pull off duvet, tell them time to get up NOW.

Means being more proactive for a while - but eventually they get the idea (whoever said kids are quick learners ?!).

Good for you mouses! Stick to your guns.

A friend of mine's son also chronically neglected to do some chore (can't remember what it was). So she would wait until he is asleep at night then wake him up and make him do it. She only had to do that twice!

How is ds1's wrist, is he in a lot of discomfort? Did he have an op?

Just thinking about the morning bit, you were saying you ask them to do x, y, z, before playing.
Do you give a list of things to do? Because my ds2 was a nightmare if I said, right, get up, make your bed, eat your breakfast and brush your teeth. But if I gave one instruction at a time he did it.

So I would say time to get up, please make your bed before you come downstairs. When he came downstairs I would ask if he had made the bed, said thank you or well done or whatever and then say, ok now go and brush your teeth.

I don't know what is was but he couldn't cope with a list of instructions, it had to be one at a time.

So with the shower/clothes on the floor I would break it down.
First. Go and get your towel. Have you done that? Great. Now can you take off your clothes and put them in the wash? Done that? Thanks. Now, go and have your shower/brush your teeth/put on pjs

It used to take forever, doing one instruction at a time but it worked for ds2

yep, i do call them back to flush the loo, close a door... i get the 'i disturbed them from their game' attitude (strop walk) but it gets done.

tantrums with single instructions ds2 will do it then think its ok to get on with something fun. then i have to 'get on his nerves' and interrupt his fun for the next instruction, then again for the next... he does it in a rush too which i ask for it to be done again (teeth for example) this leads up to 'tantrum strop ds2's end of the world sulk!!'

which is why i know use a list and remove tablet or games controllers until its done - though its not miracles and i get just as many tears and stampy feet child, i prefer it out the two methods. also i have dd to get ready, fed etc... and myself

i have tossed them out of bed before when they've got into bed without a tidy room. they didn't like it obviously didn't work as they still do it.

It's hard work mouses I know.

Ds2 was, and to a certain extent a flipping nightmare. I have never met such a forgetful, daydreamy child in my life.

I think I wore him down in the end tbh, I suppose persistence is the only way, whatever method you use.

Oh and the hygiene thing? Ds1 was the dirtiest child in the world at 9. Would care if he didnt have clean clothes, socks, pants, teeth. Walked about looking like he had been dragged through a hedge most of the time.

He's 15 now. It takes him 20 minutes to get ready to go to the corner shop, has more clothes and shoes than the rest of us put together and his fave activity is looking in the mirror

that's given me hope lol

Oh thanks for that TantrumsAndBalloons... maybe the hygiene penny will drop for dd11 some time as well!