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Parenting

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Original poster

Siblings fights - how do you handle them?

20 replies

youknowwhat · 15/08/2006 14:36

I have 2 DS aged 3 yo and 14 months. As you would expect, they are v good at fighting for the same toy. I have always considered that the ground rule in our house would be :
'The toy goes back to whoever owns it' what ever has happened before.
Then I talked to my SIL and she has a v different approach. Noboddy owns a toy, they are left to their own device to sort the problems by themselves. (She has 3 children about the same age as mines).
So I started to wonder if I had the right outlook. Could you tell me then. How do you deal with disputes between your children ? Do you end up as a refere all the time, do you leave them sorting it out or just do something else ?

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Original poster

youknowwhat · 15/08/2006 15:31

bump

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colditz · 15/08/2006 15:32

My outlook with dfs and his friends is 'stop fighting and share it or I will take it away until tomorrow'. And I do.

colditz · 15/08/2006 15:33

ie, they don't want me to get involved because then it is gone for good[wink

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DumbledoresGirl · 15/08/2006 15:35

I would broadly agree with Colditz. I have 4 children so have dealt with quite a few disputes. Unless the toy belongs specifically to one child (eg a cuddly toy) if the argument can't be resolved, I simply remove the toy from everyone's reach. But then, i am a pretty no-nonsense sort of person anyway.

oliveoil · 15/08/2006 15:37

At the moment I threaten dd1 with the fact that dd2 is 2 in two weeks time and if she doesn't share with her, dd2 will keep all her new birthday toys to herself.

Sort of works.

dd2 now bellows SHARE!! at dd1 over anything and everything.

IlanaK · 15/08/2006 15:45

I think at 14 months, your ds is too young to really undestand. I have one of 5 and one of 2. All toys in the house are for both of them, though they do know what belongs to whom. If they fight over something, I do intervene some of the time and will do the "take turns" or I will take it away thing. But I don't see how that would work with a 14 month old.

Just a side note, I had an interesting conversation with a friend a long time ago about the word "share". We use it so often in inappropriate situations when we really mean take turns. To share a toy, they must play with it together at the same time. But I think often we are asking them to take turns, not share.

Original poster

youknowwhat · 15/08/2006 16:13

Thanks all for your comments.
I do agree that at 14 months old, DS2 is too young to really understand.
I have read before that children are sensitive to the idea of possession and will not understand the idea of sharing or taking turn as you put it. After all, we as adults don't easily 'share' our toys with others (let say just fountain pen or your car etc...) the way we sometimes expect our children to do.
When they will be about 4 yo then I would expect them to be able to sort their squabbles on their own but before that ... I don't think that forcing DS1 to 'share' one of his toys by removing the toy would be the best way. I think it would make him even more protective. Does one of you agree with this?

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Original poster

youknowwhat · 15/08/2006 16:17

Sorry just realized that I actually haven't said exactly hat I was doing when fighting like this.
If the toy below to the child who hs it, then I explain to the other that it is his toy and he can not have it.
If the toy is in the hand of the other child, I first try to do an exchange (especially with DS2) and give the toy back to the owner. Then ask him if he can find something else to replace it.

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MarsLady · 15/08/2006 16:20

Mostly I let them sort it out themselves... unless they are about to draw blood. Of course if they see that you've noticed them then you have to intervene. They all seem to sort themselves out much quicker without my interference!

fennel · 15/08/2006 16:21

Many toddlers want to play with whatever their older sibling is playing with. so making the older one "share" all their toys can be really frustrating for the older one.

I get my older two (6 and 4) to find a toy to give to the 2 year old if they're fighting over a toy. I encourage them to retrieve their toys from her but am teaching them to not overly upset her by just snatching it back. Usually the 2yo is fairly happy with being given something else instead.

We also have a rule that if someone starts playing with a toy they don't have to share it, but that eventually another child should have a turn at it.

when they are really fighting I remove the toy. Or we use an egg timer for them to take turns - they quite like doing that.

They also have "special" toys they don't ever have to share.

Original poster

youknowwhat · 15/08/2006 16:27

Fennel, I like your approach as it sounds more manageable with my 2 DS as they are quite young. I hope I will be able to follow MarsLady wen they are a bit older

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MarsLady · 15/08/2006 16:31

youknowwhat.... I have 5. I'm far too lazy to chase after them for everything lol. I'm sure when yours are older my way will work for you. Helps them sort out their differences quickly. Even the DTs only come for kisses for their wounds now. Bliss!

fennel · 15/08/2006 18:28

I have a book Siblings without Rivalry which basically advocates getting them to negotiate between themselves and then taking a back seat. as Marslady suggests. I think it does work well but not necessarily for the 1-2 year olds.

fullmoonfiend · 15/08/2006 18:37

Glad to see this thread as it's something I've been concerned about for a while. mine are (boys) almost 6 and 9. Fennel, would you recommend this book for that age group? They are both very competitive already. Last year I was managing to 'control' it, with a marble jar system which encouraged them to work together. But it is getting harder as theyget older..

Original poster

youknowwhat · 15/08/2006 19:32

Well, I'll come to pick up ypur brains. What did you do when they were 1~3 year sold ?

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fennel · 15/08/2006 19:46

Fullmoonfiend, yes I think the book would be good for that age group. It really changed the way we interacted with our children and it has worked, I think. they do squabble but they also know how to resolve arguments without always coming running to us.

here it is

the gist of the book is that if they think you'll resolve their fights they will be set in opposition to each other and will each be trying to earn your favour or persuade you they are right. but if you back off and teach them to negotiate then they have to practise fairness rather than rely on you as judge.

Overrun · 15/08/2006 19:56

Just to say I have read the book, and also think it is really good, but mine are a little young atm
have to intervene with dts and they do frequently draw blood. My natural inclination would be to let them resolve it amongst themselves and hope that we will be able to get to that point in the not too distant future

Dottydot · 15/08/2006 21:30

ds1 (4) and ds2 (2) are now at the age where they like playing with the same things (although ds2 isn't too interested in ds1's swords/lightsabres/weapons of mass destruction - for the moment...) but things they both want to play with have to be shared. The 'rule' usually is if they can't sort it out themselves I'll intervene - usually by removing the toy in question and putting it on a high shelf where neither of them can reach it. Usually just the threat of this sorts it out. Also we've got ds1 to understand that if he lets ds2 play with something, he usually gets bored after about 30 seconds and then ds1 gets it back - he's cottoned on to this so is usually fairly happy to share...

TinyGang · 15/08/2006 21:49

I go with MarsLady's approach. I've noticed the more I get involved, the more frequently I'm called in to sort it all out. I mostly let them get on with it.

Next stage up - if that doesn't work - is:

The kitchen timer. 5 mins each. Usually they all get bored and wander off but accept the solution cos no-ones lost face.
Take the damn thing away. I have quite a few forgotten things tottering on dusty high shelves from previous fracas.
If we're all heading for world war 3 I split 'em up into separate rooms - with lots of Bad Lads Army shouting from me about how I can't believe it gets to this blah blah.

Lawlass · 16/08/2006 11:29

Having tried everything else (ds 3.3 and dd 1.10)from confiscating to letting them sort it out themselves, I now give them timed turns with it. Ds picks a number and I give it to each of them in turn for the count of that number. Number is so low (as fortunately he can't count that far) that they are both bored of toy after about 3 counts. I would say the exception to this is where one had a well established game with something and the other interferes, then it goes to who had it first.

Helping dd learn to count and has been very successful for me so far.

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