When she's good she's very very good, but when she's bad.........

[Redlorry75]

Ohh help.

I love my DD with a passion. She'll be 3 at the end of Septmeber and due to get a sibling in December. I am trying very hard to keep her involved but her behaviour in general is a real problem. I reward good behaviour, stick to routines she likes, have reduced sweets to after dinner and only if she eats well and try to explain everything to her. When she's naughty I try to let her know it's inappropriate but often end up walking away or ignoring her or worst case screaming at her to stop. I feel like I can no longer cope, and she'll associate me screaming at her or ignoring her with the talk of a new baby and will end up hating me and the baby when s/he arrives. DH has been great, he keeps the peace and assures me it's her terrible twos clashing with my hormones, but somedays I feel like I have no escape. When I am at home I clash with her and when I am at work it's tiring and stressfull Where am I going wrong?

This sounds like very typical 3-year-old behaviour.

We've nicknamed our DD1 'Her Grace' or 'the Duchess' b/c she is a wee madam at times.

We don't use shouting or smacking to discipline her, but she KNOWS when she's crossed the line.

It's all about learning about boundaries at this age.

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You are not going wrong, they are hard work at this age - never a truer term than Threenagers, as expat says.
Dd's first words to me this morning were, "hey, get out of my bed", delivered from the middle of our bed where we had put her in the the small hours due to Social Services-level screeching from her cot.
And yet she is the most loving and adorable child too.
I do sometimes shout at dd (usually because she is perched on top of a wardrobe etc) but we don't use smacking either. We find telling her she will be ignored more effective than naughty steps, which require too much physical domination to achieve for me to be happy with. We just withdraw interaction from her until she has apologised/stopped bellowing, and as Expat says, they KNOW at this age.
Sometimes you do have to find a way of helping them back down with some shreds of toddler dignity intact - and "constructive ignoring" can give them the space to compose themselves. Once all is serene again we have a little chat if necessary to go over again why we got into that situation.

Oooh, Redlorry, my dd will be 3 in December and is due to have a little sister three weeks before her birthday...and I can empathize with the crappy mix of hormones (and tiredness) with, well, probably hormones and tiredness (3 year olds have big hormonal surges, apparently!).

Up until recently, I was the one who could stay calmest, talk dd down the best, etc....its humbling and upsetting to be the more reactive parent now. DH just stays more...separate, somehow. We have really good days, but days like today - I do a lot of walking away, and trying hard not to snap or comment

Sorry, not much use - just want you to know you're not alone! And I find the feedback you have had very reassuring; I know dd is actually very well behaved for a 2.7 year old, and is doing normal stuff, but its still hard to deal with sometimes and knowing that ignoring works for others - well, it helps.

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Thanks for all the comments they have helped.
Hey you get out of my bed.....yep we have that, hey you get off my chair, hey you it's my cushion etc etc. As my title suggests when she's good she's an angel and I would'nt swap her for anything but for the other 30% of the time, I cant help feeling I have lost control and I'm not walking away to ignore her but rather running away to hide! I am going to work on this and reclaim my house! And will definitley try hard not to resort to shouting in the future. Thanks for all your suggestions and support so far