Would you ever tell your child to push/hit?

[nello]

A strange question, I know, as I completely don't condone violence! Another parent suggested this, under her breath, to me today...

DD 3YO goes to a playgroup where another girl, 3 months older, is being repeatedly unkind to her. The little girl (who we know of well) goes up to her and screams/shouts in DD's face. DD tells her to stop and that she doesn't like it and walks away (as we have told her to), but it continues with this little girl following her and then DD starts crying. Neither the parent or the child minder (whoever is there) pulls the little girl up on it properly and my DD is starting to act like a victim. She is so defensive whenever we see this little girl (frequently) and is now crying before she really needs to.

Thoughts please.

No. Violence makes her no better than the other child.
I would perhaps speak to the other child myself if I felt she wasn't being supervised properly.

I agree completely, and completely my normal stance. It wouldn't make her better than the other child. But maybe in some instances, 'being better' isn't the most important thing…

I am not there, DD is with child minder. Our child minder has tried talking with the other girl, but is not listened to. We live in the same compound, so not possible for DD to get away from this other girl.

No, never. Young children are fighty enough without getting confusing messages from parents about hitting sometimes and not others.

I would advise my child to walk away, and tell someone if they didn't stop. In this case, I'd probably intervene with the other child myself. She must be upsetting more children than just yours?

I would tell the other child off, firmly, as it has been going on for so long. So I would say something like: Please stop shouting in dds face it is not kind and we don't do that.
Please stop following dd and go and play with some other toys, dd is playing with these ones, you are not playing nicely and dd doesn't want to play right now.

Is there a playgroup supervisor? I would speak to the leader and ask them what they do when there is repeated inappropriate behaviour, would they intervene/speak to parent.

I have told my children to push away and run in relation to strnager danger, but never in relation to another child.

I'm going to go against the grain here, what I always told mine was this: don't start it, never start it, but if you have to, finish it.

I live in the sort of area where 'having a word with the parents' may result in a tirade of abuse and a complete denial that their child has done anything wrong, ever. Raise your voice to the wrong kid on the street and you'll be threatened with your windows putting through. Sometimes the only person who can stand up for your child is your child.

But, that said, 3 year old are not quite at that age. Most parents can be asked to rein their wee beast in, if not, speak to the supervisor who will be a higher authority to both child and parent in that context.

Mine know they are fine to push away another child who is being aggressive or hurting them. Personally, I'd be fine for them to thump a child to get them off (but I've never told them that and they've never needed to).

Thanks for your messages, I agree with all of them really. In this instance I actually wish DD would just stop crying and push this little girl out of the way…and if she did I would tell her that it isn;t right but I understand why she did it…I don't think I can actually tell her as a three year old to use this as a strategy as she won't understand that it is wrong if I tell her she can.

Unfortunately, where we live is a little different to the normal standards that exist in European playgroups…we are an living in an expat community in a developing country, as a result things are a little different - nannies look after children in the daytime, and often have much less control than they should have. the same can be said for the playgroup leaders who need the children to be there…

Ho hum...

dwerf don't start it, never start it, but if you have to, finish it.

I love that so much I've made a note of it for my DS in the future who is only a baby ;) I was bullied at school when I was very young & quite frankly I wish I had been told to stand up for myself like this more!

We live in a certain area where you have to stand up for yourself. I have taught both of mine if attacked they ask the person to stop twice. The third time they hit once and hard.

Its all very well telling kids to tell an adult. One of mine has been in the situation where the adult they tried to tell was goading the other child to hit her again and harder. I tried to talk through the situation after with the adult but realised certain people need dealing with in a certain manner.

It all depends on the situation. A three year old at a playgroup should not need to hit or push as there are plenty of adults to control the situation.

If the child's carer doesn't do anything I would speak to the group leader.

Chuckle cheeks I have said the same. DD1 was being pushed in a corner of the playground away from where teachers were able to see. I told her to say loudly "I don't like that stop" told her to do this three times. If they have not stopped by this point, I have told her to push them out of the way and go and tell a teacher. I have told her pushing and hitting is not right, but that I do not want her to feel as if she has no defence. If she ever gets pulled in by a teacher for doing this, I would back her up by telling them what I have told her to do. Another great weapon in her arsenal is if a child is trying to upset her saying loudly "I don't care". This quite often helps tremendously.

Not sure it's the same thing but while I will reprimand 3yo ds for starting it, I don't stop him from retaliating. But I do say that perhaps if it happens again he should use his words to tell the other child he doesn't like what they're doing. In your case I'd take it up with the adults.

I also think my message would change depending on ds' s age and understanding. 3 year olds have limited understanding but if my ds was getting picked on when older I'd tell him that self defence is absolutely fine if there is no other way. It's how they would survive if ever in serious trouble.

Not in those circumstances, no. I can't say I'd never do it though.

Unfortunately my DS is a pusher/shover at the moment, it's absolutely mortifying and because I know he does it we watch him like a hawk at playgroups/parks and we have a warning system. First time he does it he gets told off, told to apologise and then removed away from the child, he's also told if he does it again he will go home. If he does it again - we go home. We don't really feel we are getting anywhere but feel it's only fair to the other child to see DS being punished.

In my most frustrated moments I have secretly wished the child would push/hurt DS back to shock him into maybe stopping but I wouldn't ever encourage DS to do it if the boot was on the other foot.

I would tell the child off if people really aren't doing anything, but is your childminder absolutely sure the carer has seen? Could she have a quiet word with the carer, say something like:

"Hi, I'm X's childminder and for the last couple of sessions little Y has been a bit rough with her and it's made her a bit frightened - I'm not sure if you've seen it going on? I know kids do this sometimes but if I see it and you're not around, are you happy for me to tell Y off or come and get you?"