Worried about DD, 9.5 lack of confidence & isolating herself

[Greatdomestic]

Hi. My DD is 9.5 and has always been very shy and lacking in confidence, and likes to hang back.

Over the past 6 months or so, this has gotten steadily worse. Bickering and shifting in her friendship group seem to leave her unable to cope. She will often say that xx was mean to her, and be absolutely devastated. Most of this seems to be general bickering which I think most kids would bounce back from. When I ask her why she doesn't just do this or that in a particular situation, she will say "I just want to be a nice person".

I try to say to her that people don't often see things the way we do, or behave in a way we like, but everyone is different. Then she says that I don't understand and that I never do anything to help. I have explained that I can't be there to solve things for her and she has to be able to cope with these things on her own, if it's not something serious.

However, I'm just really worried that she will find herself totally left out of the loop and on her own if she can't find ways to cope.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of behaviour and if so, how did you help your child to deal with it? Am I becoming too involved and should take a step back?

Any replies gratefully welcomed:)

My dcs aren't at school age yet, so this answer is from my own experience - I was also very shy and insecure as a child and was bullied for years. At the time what I wanted more than anything was a listening ear and sympathy, rather than advice or lecturing. Perhaps next time she starts talking about someone being mean you could just let her talk and say 'that must have felt awkward/hurtful/whatever' and give her a big hug. These might sound minor things to you but to her they are huge, as she doesn't know how to deal with it. You could gently help her work out ways of responding/approaching someone different to play with, if she's willing to talk.
Could you help her to cultivate friendships and build up skills outside school as well - brownies, martial arts, music, drama, etc?

Similar to PP, I was also quite shy but found acting classes hugely confidence building at this age. It didn't lead to performances but just generally made me more confident and helped me to do things like take my turn at reading in class etc. They were cheap village hall type arrangements too so not a massive expense.

Please just tell her that people can be mean sometimes and it is good to be kind and nice at the same time as standing up for herself (don't we all wish that was the case all the time)

Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate them.

At the moment she does Brownies, gymnastics & dancing and has friends she hangs out with at these.

You are right about the just listening DIY I think - my instinct is to try to offer a solution but I will try to just hang back and let her get it all out.

Theres, the drama idea does sound good it may help her coping. She does find speaking out in class quite a challenge.

Thanks again.