Tearful children and how to deal with them.

[SimonHoward]

Help, I am currently way out of my depth and experience.

I am currently getting very frustrated at not knowing how to cope with 2 young girls that seem to break down into tears every time they get told off or thwarted in any way.

I know a lot of it is to do with seeking attention but there are times when all this crying and basically being naughty so that they get some attention is driving me up the wall and then bringing me into conflict with their mum (my g/f).

Has anyone got any hints or tips on how to approach such children as I do not want to be walked all over by them but I also do not want to end up being feared by them to the degree that they are constantly scared of me.

I don't mind appearing stern or strict if the occassion warrants it but I am now getting worried that the way I was brought up, which was a lot stricter than these girls, may be colouring my perception of how they should be behaving and reacting.

The girls in question are almost 8 and 6.5

no idea. i have enough problems controlling my dd1 attention seeking.

good to hear from u tho.

I often find it helps if I say to my ds (3.5y) something along the lines of: 'You can sit and cry here, and have no playing, or you can go and read/play/whatever and as soon as I have finished cooking/talking on the phone/whatever I will come and play/read/build/whatever with you. Which is it to be?'

Any good?

Difficult when they're not yours but with DS we ignore the tears if he's crying for being told off. The tears are to make you feel guilty and sorry. Give attention the rest of the time.

I ask my two to go and sit in another room until they have finished crying as I won't talk to them whilst they are still crying. Then if they won't go I say right I'm off to (xyz), when you've finished crying you can come and talk to me. when they do come and find me and have stopped crying we have a chat about how crying NEVER gets you your own way and, in fact, makes Mummy much less likely to give in than if they negotiate reasonably. Must say that my two are younger than yours, so it may not work with them, but HTH.

Think you should not be in a position to have to discipline them so early in your relationship.

Remember it is a big upheavel for them too - they have had their mum and now have to share her with you - a little patience should really be in order here and a big deep breath when you start to feel a bit tetchy.

My DP never really tried to discipline DD until we had been together for a long time and he had won here friendship and trust - Simon handle this carefully because you could end up pushing your girlfriend away.

They need more love and attention than you do - they are kids afterall, maybe they are not getting enough attention in the first place and that is why they are behaving like this - try to be part of their lives and do things with them maybe??

Talk to your girlfriend about it Simon - together lay down some ground rules about dealing with the children so you're both singing from the same hymnsheet.

Agree with Twinkie 200per cent. She's spot on. They are not your children, and these are very early days in your relationship, so it's not your job to discipline them. I'm a stepmother so I know. I back off totally. Yes, I'll ask my stepmother to pick her clothes off the floor or to help me unload the dishwasher, but I don't tell off. If there's any of that to be done, dh does it. Look at it from their point of view. One day they had their mum all to themselves, now there's a strange man (sorry Simon ) living in their home, taking their mother's attention, telling them what to do - and they don't love you (though that may come) and they had no say in any of this. It is very hard to have a step-parent come into your life and you will need to be very tactful, kind, and sort of unobtrusive. Certainly you shouldn't be adding to any conflict. Remember, I am saying this as a step-parent and I love my stepdaughter. I bet they don't feel they are walking all over you, I bet they feel scared, uncertain and possibly even quite rejected. I assume they have already gone through the trauma of their mum and dad splitting up, and getting a step-parent can make that feeling worse. I recommend getting a few books about being a step-parent and really easing off the girls. Turn the situation around. Make them things to eat, cook with them, take them all out for the day somewhere fun - be fun with with them. And also give them time alone with their mother so they won't feel that their whole life has changed overnight. It is still v important for my stepdaughter to have one on one time with her dad and they go to the pictures and for a pizza together fairly often. Just stop thinking about how to discipline them (not your job yet, I'm afraid) and think about how to have fun with them. Good luck.

I don't think they even need disciplining - your understanding of the situation is competely wrong -t hey need love and attention - god who disciplines their child for attention seeking - not me thats for sure!!

Simon, what are you going to do?

Sorry ladies

Had a hectic weekend and haven't been back online.

G/F and I already had some guidelines but we are revising them as both of us are seeing this as a problem.

Thanks for the help though and I'll report back when I can.

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Twigglett

Not to sure yet how we are going to do it but we want to find out the cause of the problems that are making us have to discipline them so much.

I'd rather know why they are doing it and hopefully sort out the problem than just punish them for doing the things they do.

The real trouble is that we are limited on what punishments we can give out anyway so it is going to require a lot of hard thinking on mine and my g/f's part.

One thing I have started off though is instead of stopping them from doing something and sending them to their room for the whole afternoon etc is to give each type of misbehaviour a penalty cost in minutes and then apply that so they know that they will only miss out on some but not all of their fun and they have taken to it well and have even reminded me of it when I have forgotten.

I'm not sure I agree with Twinkie and Aloha, saying you should not be disciplining these girls. I have only been in a relationship with my DP for 15mths, but I knew him before and so did my 4 year old DS.

To start with we took things very slow, but quite quickly I was very happy for my DP to share the responsibilty of telling off my DS, especially if the bad behaviour was directed to him - how would it look if I then told DS off.
DS has great respect for DP and often says he loves him and I believe if it was only me to do the disciplinig DS would think DP was a push over.

Unfortunately, DS has to learn that adult have rules (so long as they are realistic).

DS's way of 'crying' is still tantrums, and we ignore that just as I would ignore the girls' crying. Us females learn very early on that men can't handle it when we cry, it is emotional blackmail!!!

I think you are doing very well to be taking this issue so seriously, and discussing with your girlfriend is the best way to go, so long you both are happy with how the situations are handled then you will get there eventually.

I really believe to gain their love, trust and respect you need to be consistent, realistic and treat them like you would your own child. Obviously the physical side - hugs and stuff will take its time, but if you show that you are approachable and talk with them not always at them, then you will get there in the end.

There is nothing wrong with expecting children to behave!!!

Smellymelly

Thanks for the advice.

The hugs and stuff bit has been around from almost day one. The 2 girls in question are very loving and very bright and took to me very quickly. I have always treated them like my own and next week for 4 weeks my own DD will be joining us so they will all be treated the same.

We are still working on what is the best way to discipline them but we seem to be making some headway as we have started to ask the girls why they are being naughty and what it is that makes them do the things they do so we at least have a starting point to work from.

Sorry shouldnt be saying this as I only have a 6month old. I will try and be sensitive as I dont wnat to upset anyones way of parenting.With regards to crying from being told off , yes may be it is attention seeking , but it can also because they may be are upset for doing the wrong thing by you(general) not directed at Simon Howard doing wrong. I hate to be dissaproved of and was always shocked at being told off for being naughty , especially if I inoccently didnt think I was. Sometimes children dont know they are doing wrong.Despite this I feel it isnt the best thing to give attention to bad behaviour but you have to find out why they seek attention. Do they need reasurrance that they are; wanted, loved & cherished?? The sending to the room/car trick never works for my sister, even though she does it all the time. I like the immediate penalty cost. That seems far more upsetting than sending them to their wonderland rooms!!

I hope I havent upset anyone, I am just able to stand back from it at the moment and watch how my sister does it & work on how I dont want to do it. But hey you can all tell me how wrong I am in a few years when I post on here when I get unstuck !!!