2.5yr old & 4 month - feel like I'm messing everything up

[Albertatata]

I just feel so crap. I have 2 DS 2.5yr old and 4 month old. 2.5yr in with childminder one day a week. Both were ill last week so it was bad, this week they are better but things generally still crap. DH working for the next 11days and I have to do bedtime with them both.

I really feel like I'm royally messing things up - with my first son I followed the EASY rountine & it worked pretty well, we did do CC later on but I think I quite liked knowing where I was with that rountine.

Now with DS2 I just feel like I don't have time to spend getting him to sleep and I don't have the energy to concentrate of how many naps he is getting. He usually just sleeps on/ off in the pram whilst I'm ferrying/ running round after DS1. I aim for them to both have a nap at the same time in the afternoon but I get DS2 to do this by feeding to sleep, in fact I always feed to sleep as it used to be quicker - but now even that seems to take hours and as soon as boob comes out he wakes up!

DS1 is massively playing up because he wants my attention - to get my attention he is hitting and kicking though so all I seem to do is be shouty mum. I feel really sorry for DS1, I know I need to do more praising of the good and ignore the bad but its so hard.

I just feel like I don't have time or energy for either of them DS1 is at childminders now & I just feel like crying.

Just need a bit of support - how do I get rountine, how do I stop feeding to sleep. How can I be a better mum to DS1. Can't speak to anyone in real life as both my mum and sister are very judgemental about my parenting (sister never had or wants kids but thinks she knows exactly how to do it, mum obv last parented me but is just quite strict and a bit bitchy and I just can't be bothered speaking to her about it as I really don't think she would be supportive).

DH hates me because I'm tired and irrational and keep shouting at him as well as DS1. Sorry for long rant

Ps I should probably say this meltdown has come about as met other mums in strict routines, baby sleeping 45mins morning & afternoon, 2hrs at lunch and well at night

Whereas I really don't have a clue when or how long DS2 is sleeping for. He has set bedtime at 7-7.30ish (as have ti get DS1 in bed too) but feeds/comfort sucks until 8.30ish.

Feel like I'm in the same boat. Wish my 4 month old would get on schedule and sleep nicely! He is bad sleeper :( my 2 year old is at nursery during the day.

I think it is normal for second children to have to fit in naps around older siblings commitments so in the pram is not a bad thing.

I am sure you are not messing things up at all, and it is hard when they are young and both need you at the same time.

If you feel you need a routine to make you feel more in control, then start with what you older child needs and does in the day, and plan around that.

Are you able to use a sling to help you feed and get the little one off to sleep while playing with the bigger one?

If you feel more in control I am sure you will also feel more relaxed and can work on the positive praise for the older one too. With regard to feeding to sleep I always did that too, so not sure how to help you break the cycle, but other people have used the no cry sleep solution pantley pull off to help? Maybe google it.

Remember you are not a crap mum and no one is being messed up. We all just do our best.

Hi. Try not to beat yourself up. I found going from 1 child to 2 very difficult. Routines take a little longer to establish as you've more than one person to negotiate with. Try not to compare yourself with other mothers and focus on some of your positives. 4 months old is still young to have strict routines established, especislly if they have been ill. It will come in time xx

I remember this feeling! dd2 is 6 months now and has 2 nice chunky sleeps of two hours each now. can't write more at the mo but it does get better!

my son didnt have a routine until about 6 months - at which point it was pretty easy to get going - until then, he just slept every couple of hours.

Try to have a little calm moment and really think whether your situation suits you or whether you personally would rather have more routine. IF it is you that would benefit, then its worth attempting but please dont think you 'should' do anything. Your baby doesnt care! I dont believe all these people with their perfect routines at 4 months - I bet they have an idea in their head and most of the time the reality fails to match. I probably told people I had a routine becuase it is easier than getting lots of unwanted advice...!

If you want one - personally i would really wait another couple of months, I found it so much easier once food was introduced, then perhaps you could set aside a week - maybe extra childminder days or help from your partner? And when you have the time, just decide to get the little one to sleep without a feed - I did the whole pick up put down thing and its dull but it does work - it only took a few days of same time for naps before we had a little routine going - not that it always worked of course!

but really whats important is that you only do this if you really care! I think its very common for second babies to nap out and about - if its taking much longer to settle with a feed then it probably is worth getting the baby to sleep without that, but other than that I wouldnt worry.

ps crap mums are ones who actually abuse their children - not who feed them to sleep and let them nap when they want!

Ha thanks folks that is what I needed! I think tbh I'm quite happy the way I'm doing it - anything else would just be too hard. I'll stick with what I'm doing & just try to enjoy my mat leave - & try to not put so much pressure on myself

sorry I had to dash the builder needed me! I think it is just different with the second one as you can't be totally absorbed in getting them a lovely routine and what have you. as long as they are thriving, stimulated,well fed and not hysterical with tiredness I think that is good. they have the blessing of a sibling and a more confident parent too.

I am definitely trying to relax and go with the flow more -and it is fun!!

for dc1 when calm make a list of ´must´, ´would like, ´don´t sweat´

eg for ´must´, clean teeth, have a bath
´would like´only watch half an hour of tv
´don´t sweat´salami for dinner every day

I have a 2 year gap and was getting very shouty, dc1 was confused as one day one thing would be ok - the next it wasn´t. Being consistent helped make hard things get easier (e.g set days for washing hair) and detailing what I was going to make a big deal about reduced the flash points

Every child is different so what works for one won't work for another. I have 4 ds and have come to the conclusion it's best to go with the flow a bit. In a sense that has been my routine for the younger ones. Ds1 was in a strict routine then I had 17m gap to the next one and he had to fit in a bit but it was difficult. I felt getting them both to nap at the same time in the middle of the day and enabling myself to lie down for half an hour or more was a huge achievement. Maybe try a dummy? I hate them but ds1 and ds4 seemed to really need them whilst numbers 2 and 3 were not interested - plus it is easy to fix that when they are older. It will make nap time easier.

Know the exact battle you're facing I have a DS (2.10yrs) and DD (5mo). For some reason I found 4 months old bloody hard. I'd just come through the newborn fog only for cluster feeding, sleep regression and all that jazz mess it all up and my DS to return to minimal attention and this time round not be quite so forgiving to me or the baby for it.
Don't worry you're not alone, DD naps as and when I can get her too, in buggy, in sling, occasionally in her cot if DS is feeling kind. Normally always fed to sleep. Bedtimes when DH isn't here is a bit of a hodgepodge but I always now try and get baby asleep first so I can spend a good half an hour/hour alone with the eldest, it seems to have helped his temper over feeling frustrated in the day.

I've also returned to an old trick of DS's newborn days. If it's all getting too much - get them all in the car. Both usually fall asleep immediately and I can go get a drive through latte and enjoy an hours peace, reading my kindle parked up.

It sounds like you're doing a fab job. These 'darlings' of ours can make it hard to be the parents we dreamt of being!

I have got dd1-10, dd2-3.2 and ds 6 months and dd2 has now got chickenpox, ds had it two weeks ago, so my routine has gone out the window and im just trying to survive hour by hour

I had no routine when dd2 came along but because dd1 was at school and could do most things for herself i muddled along with no clear routine. I could sit for hours trying to breastfeed.

When ds came along I tried to slot ds into dd2 routine just tweaking a few things along the way. I found trying to stick to a rigid routine just didnt work for me. Just added to all my stress and made me more tired and shouty.

I don't have a real set routine for the day but I try to do mealtimes at a set time and I put ds down for a nap after he has been awake for nearly two hours, sometimes in his cot, pram or in my arms while im helping one of the other two.

As long as we are all feed and have clean clothes i think the day has been a success.

Cant help with feeding to sleep as ds is ff, breast feeding didnt work out this time.

I think you should just take each day as it comes and sometimes routine just happens.