Daughter no1 seems to be rejecting me

[two]

Hi

Is there ANYONE who has felt rejected by one toddler after birth of new child? It feels like daddy gets willing cuddles and kisses but i always get told 'no'. the new baby is now 6 months old and over past few months, daughter one - now aged 2.5 - seems subtly resistant to me being affectionate.

I have heard that a new child can cause lead to a transfer of affections sometime after the birth - Pascale (my first child) is lovely to her new sibling. Just a bit chilly with me.

Obviously I have had to pay a lot of attention to daughter 2 but try to make it as nice as I can for daughter 1.

It's really hard because i now have had to go back to work 3days per week (left it as long as I could) and I desperately want to be at home, but couldn't afford to. Daddy looks after them on my three days at work, and he works other two days. He's applied for more work (but only a couple of things) but I feel v down that I can't be at home with the children and feel that Pascale must feel totally rejected by me - first new baby, then back to work!

Jxc

You have my sympathies two. I have two boys and since I had ds2 my ds1 is now very much a daddys boy. I feel very much that "my baby" has changed towards me since ds2 came along.
It has become even harder as ds2 has got older (ds1 now 5.5 and ds2 2.5) as he is such a mummys boy.

The boys do get on well now, playing together nicely most of the time but there is some fighting/arguing and this is usually caused by what I can see as my ds1 trying to get attention when ds2 gets it.

My ds1 is at school so on the two days I am at home ds2 is with me all day and I think ds1 is jealous of that. I am hoping ds1 will be better when ds2 starts nursery in sept. I try very hard to make time just for ds1 and me - even if it is just going to the supermarket for an hour at the weekend so we can chat and he can have my full attention. We'll then go and have a drink and cake as a treat after.

It is hard when your younger one is so young and needs so much attention. It will be difficult when you go back to work, but my only advice would be to set aside some regular time to spend with your ds1 so it is just you and her and make a huge fuss of her.

Giving kisses and cuddles and withholding them is all part of the few things they can totally control, and so they do like to exercise it. My ds (3) likes to switch allegience between me and dh just to get a reaction. We know his little game now and play along. Your dd1 is probably doing it because she knows you will try harder and give her more attention to get her affection back.

My advice would be to play along with her and try not to take it personally.

Hi Two, I'm really struggling with exactly the same thing right now and in a v similar situation to you, though a bit further down the line - have 2 DDs aged just over 3 and almost a year. I hate to say that things have actually got a lot harder the last few months as DD1 is becoming more of a person in her own right and demanding more and more from me - eg not happy to sit still for 2 seconds now but can't actually walk by herself yet so needs constant hands-on attention. I don't have answers I'm afraid but I think the fact you're aware of DD1's predicament (ie feeling rejected) is really important as that way you can be sympathetic to her behaviour rather than giving her the cold shoulder in return. I'm convinced the only way through is to hang on in there, giving as much love, affection and attention as you possibly can and I'm sure in the end she'll start to be more loving to you again. One big thing for me is that I wish I'd realised sooner how vital it is to spend regular time with DD1 on her own. We've recently started doing this and it's already making a difference. It means Dh and I hardly see each other at weekends as we're mainly taking one child each but it works much better than spending time as a foursome right now, which tends to be stressful for all concerned. Good luck and please post again on how it's going.

I have 2 DDs aged 3.5 yrs and 11 months. DD1 really reacted badly when sibling arrvied - it coincided to the week with her starting nursery and I'm sure she linked the two things. There are still ups and downs, but I agree that the best thing is to spend time on my own with DD1. I work 4 days a week so it's quite hard, but a bit of 'quality time' really helps - even going shopping together, washing the car or letting her stay up slightly later than DD2. DH and I both do bedtimes and alternate who reads dd 1 her story and puts her to bed. It does mean little time to yourself - either work, one kid or two kids, but it's worth it. It is easier as the baby gets more independent and you're hopefully less tired although then you have new issues of sibling jealousy - anothe reason to keep them apart !

So grateful for these repsonses. What I have noticed is that if i am ono my own with Pascale she is very affectionate and it is often in baby's presence that she isn't !

I do think I need little bits of time with her on my own as you suggest, to make her special again. will keep you posted.

ps she's such a lovely, adorable little girl!!!