New baby/Elderly grandparents - HELP!

[MrsTittleMouse]

Hello All,
This is my first post on MN, so please be gentle!
I'm pregnant with my first and rapidly progressing through the 3rd trimester and have started thinking about what will happen when the sproglet is actually here! I have 2 elderly grandparents (near and in the early 90s), and I'm not entirely sure how to handle them. My grandfather has early stage Altzeimer's, he can be fairly normal sometimes, but is very unpredictable and can behave very inappropriately sometimes. My grandmother is very shakey, and cannot pick up a full glass of fluid without spilling it. That would be OK, but she won't accept this fact (ashamed? in denial?). She's always been a very stubborn woman, and I know of at least one case recently where she took hold of a baby in church and marched off with it. She has 1 other great-grandchild, who she almost dropped as a newborn because "she knew best" and she wouldn't listen to my cousin who had told her how to handle the baby.
I absolutely do not under any circumstances want either of them to handle my baby. I realise that all babies are much more resiliant than nervous new parents give them credit, but this little one took 2.5 years and 6000 dollars of fertility treatment to conceive and we almost certainly won't be able to have any more.
The good news is that I know that my parents will be very supportive. The bad news is that both grandparents have never listened to a word that my parents say, and, to be honest, neither of them are very nice people. Even so, I have always made allowances and seen much more of them that I would really like, but I can't accept comprimising my child.
Has anyone else encountered this problem?
Thank you!
Mrs T-M

I think as long as you don't leave them alone with your baby you'll have to allow them to hold it. Have strict rules like no holding the baby and drinking hot drinks at the same time etc but I don't think you can actually stop them having a cuddle

Only hand sprog over when its on the verge of crying or being sick, you'll get them back quick enough!

seriously- my gran only holds ds when shes sat down, but then she admits shes not so sure on her feet.

Oh god, it sounds a complete nightmare

Well I don't agree that you have to hand your baby over to anyone whom you don't feel is safe to be holding them

But I can't for the life of me think of a tactful and effective way to avoid it

At least you have a bit of time to work on this, and hopefully someone else will have some ideas

my elderly gp only hold the baby if they are sat down and I hover by them, I guess you should perhaps avoid them holding your little one blame hormones

My grandmother is nearly 96 but cognitively really very good and I let her hold my dd when she is sitting down with either another adult nest to her or in achair with high arms. I always hover nearby and she can only hold her for a few minutes as her arms get tired but she does really value those 10 minutes or so .

My other grandmother is 80 but has Alzheimers which is progressing quite rapidly. She held dd 6 weeks ago or so when she was much better than she is now but last week when we visited she was clearly too weak and confused to hold her so I sat next to her and she stroked her cheek and held her hand which she loved .

If you really don't want to let them hold your lo then it's absolutely your right not to let them but it will be awkward to say the least and they will really appreciate having a cuddle. So no advice really but just offering you my experience of a similar situation.

I think the problem is that Mrs TM's grandparents are not likely to sit down and hold the baby like sensible wobbly old people. It sounds like her grandmother in particular is prone to charging about without permission, and has already nearly dropped another newborn.

I think you are going to have to say something like, nobody holds the baby unless they are sitting down. And stick to it. I can envisage some hideous scuffle with your grandmother trying to get up and you trying to snatch the baby back, but what else can you do?

Hello Mrs T-M,

I don't really have any advice (my Grandma freely admits that she is too frail to hold babies and is content to coo over them from a short distance).

I just wanted to say very many congratulations on your pregnancy, it sounds like you have worked long and hard to get here! Enjoy your much longed for baby when it arrives and welcome to Mumsnet!

Hello Mrs tittlemouse, congratulations on the impending arrivle, and welcome to mumsnet.
I can only eco what the others have said.
If they want to hold the baby then they MUST sit down to hold them (as you would a smaller child that wanted to hold the baby) stay close and even keep one hand under your child if need be.
At the end of the day it is YOUR baby YOU are the mother and beleive it on not YOU know whats best.
Good luck

DH still had grandmothers when we had DS1, and they only ever held DS1 while sitting down. But they weren't mad, so this wasn't difficult to arrange, they were happy to have help holding him, even.

A more deceitful option is something to do with disease - lie and say the baby catches colds etc too easily and can't be held by other people? Or say the baby has some sort of bug (MRSA?) that isn't bugging him/her, but you couldn't take the risk that your treasured grandparent might catch it?

You have my sympathy, it sounds like a bad situation.

O BLIMEY this is a tricky one! no advice but to go with your gut feeling and if your not comfortable with something then speak up in a politely assertive way. they'll blame it on your hormones anyway so basically you can do what you want, its your baby! good luck!

Wow! Thank you for all your replies.
I have spoken to my Mum and Dad about it. Dad feels that neither grandparent should hold the baby, Mum feels that I can't refuse as it would be too hurtful.
One of the best ideas that we've had is to use a sling a lot: no chance for the grandmother to snatch the baby away, or to pick her up from a crib. Grandmother has already thrown a tantrum with the previous grandchild when she wasn't allowed to hold on the day of the birth, even though medical advice was "Mum only" as he was preemie.
I think I'll just have to let rip if she ever does do anything stupid and not be afraid to upset her, otherwise she just ends up manipulating the situation (a bit of a habit of hers) and endangering our little one.
The Altzeimers is more difficult. There has been some really "inappropriate" behaviour recently...
I certainly won't be BFing in front of either of them, they're both sex-obsessed and neither of them would hold their tongues. Could see them having lovely chats in church about the state of my boobs with some poor unsuspecting soul!
Oo! MN is lovely isn't it? I've had all my hospital bag ideas from here too.

I was just going to suggest a sling then I saw you'd already thought of it!!! Be prepared for your gp's to react by saying you're spoiling the baby or that you "should" put him or her down...a generational thing, plus they will want to hold him or her so they will try and get you to let go! Don't listen. Sorry, but baby's welfare HAS to come ahead of hurting the (probably quite tough) feelings of grown adults. I'm sure it'll all be fine but have confidence that you are in the right as baby's mum, it's really hard not to bend to family pressure especially in the early days!

Congratulations on the pregnancy! Hopefully when the baby arrives you will be able to let your grandparents hold the baby whilst sitting down. My ds liked to be swaddled really tightly. You will understandably feel anxious but perhaps will enjoy seeing so many generations together.

Hi congrats on your pregnancy!

I had problems when I had my ds as my step daughters would hover over me the whole time they were at the house.

I breastfed ds which I loved as this was time that no-one else could intefere with and take away from me. Could you try and invite your gp's round when it is feed time if you are going to BF? then they will have to make do with a look at baby from crib after you lay him/her down asleep after the feed?

Good luck and keep us informed

Congratulations!

DH's gran was 98 when dd2 was born & insisted on holding her whilst I sat without breathing! She had altzeimers as well & for the last 5 years of her life was convinced she lived in France. I did have to sniffle quietly in the corner at the sight of her holding dd2 thinking there was the best part of a 100 years between them, while dh's gran sat & whispered all her tips for life into dd2's ear! Sorry, I know thats not much help but it was such a lovely moment I had to share it & they had a really special bond till his gran died when she was 102.

I think if they are really forceful about wanting to hold your baby, you will have to be forceful back. Yes, their feelings might get hurt, but what about your feelings? (and the safety of your baby). Meanwhile, I had no problems breastfeeding standing in the middle of the street, but found it quite useful to pretend to be more 'reserved' around some people, as its the perfect excuse to leave a room full of people without being rude (whether because I felt DS needed it or because I just wanted to go and read my book )

this i s atough one, i have a 90 yr old gran, who is fantatsic about what she can and cant do, but we recently had a very prem cousain ( he weighed under 1lb). she refused to visit him until i was possibly her only chance and he has since been home for a few months. we all worried that she wouldnt be able to handle hime aftre the othe loud and boistrous great grandchildren, but she has amazed us by just allowing his mum to say when and what to do. maybe being firm is the way, dont allow them to the hospital, ask for them to wait a few days until you are home and dictate the terms, after all you will be very emotional given he circumstances!

if there isnt another 'adult' to handle them and take them home when you have had enough then ask them to come another day, but just dont worry..you will have more to think about soon!
good luck!