How to cope with the 'I hate you's'

[kiwidreamer]

DD has always been a bit precocious, a little sponge that acts way above her age... at DS's 4th birthday she was just over one and we joked she was born thinking she was the same age as him. He started school not long after and brought home a few not very nice words...stupid and hate being the ones that upset me the most.

We were able to nip it in the bud with him and he barely ever says the words but DD has picked them up more than he has. A few weeks ago we had a full on tanty from him, about the iPad of all things and he said his first 'I hate you' we thought we'd dealt with it okay and he's never said it again.

However now our stroppy little miss at 2.7yrs is quite happy to say 'I hate you' to me when I make her do things she doesn't want to do... like getting dressed after the bath tonight.

I tried so hard to give the blank face and no reaction but inside I'm gutted. She is equal parts lovely and difficult, most of the time I put it down as 'spirited' and normal tho trying toddler behaviour and try our best to move on. But this has really affected me, if this is what she is like now, what the heck is she going to be like at 9yrs... at 14yrs... how to do we parent a child like this so that we can hopefully have a nice relationship as she grows up. All I can think right now is that her personality is such that I don't think she is going to want to be close to me in the future and it breaks my heart.

I don't get why it's less ok to express your feelings in words than to do it in thrashing round on the floor. Eventually they are going to need to learn that neither behaviour is acceptable. But for the time being it's not a bad thing to learn to express yourself verbally rather than physically.

OP, I think there are certain children who just need to be independent. They find the early years horrendously difficult because, as perfectstorm says, they are powerless and they know it. With calm, firm guidance they often blossom into really lovely older children: they just need to be able to do their own thing.

I was by all accounts a very difficult toddler, I may not have used the "hate" word but I would regularly hit and bite people instead. By the time I was a teen my parents (who were not soft but realised I would respond to indepence) were treating me more or less as an adult and I responded well to that: I was polite, helpful, supportive of any family problems and basically very trustworthy. No teenage rebellion there.

Ds (who is very like me) hated being a preteen because of that feeling of powerlessness but loves it now he is a teen and can have more independence.

It's not really a problem you can solve- you can't treat a 3yo like an adult- but I think some children just have to work through a difficult patch until they come to the age they were meant to be, so to speak.

You do realise that one of the reasons she says "I hate you" is because she is so secure in your love for each other?

Also remember that the opposite of love is indifference!

It's very normal- my 6yo and now my 3yo have started saying this when they don't get their own way. I just do the 'well I love you, and you still have to put your shoes on/go to bed/brush your hair' whatever it is they are stropping about. In calmer moments I have tried explaining to DD1 why hate is a very hurtful word.

I've recently had to clamp down on them for callimg each other 'stupid' and 'idiot' all the time- a very firm 'we don't use hurtful words like that' and sent to the naughty step. DD1 now thinks 'stupid' is the famous 'S word' she has heard so much about at school

I used today "You don't have to like me , you just have to do what I say". it took the wind out of DD's sails. She's 19 now and tells me she loves me whenever we speak. They grow out of it but it does hurt. I think she'd have said it more if she knew it upset me.

"Fine, being liked isn't part of a mummy's job description. Now get on with what your meant to be doing",

Thanks for everyone's replies, I think the 'nip it in the bud' approach can work but with certain ages / personalities its like red rag to a bull... or at least that's how its been in my direct experience, with DS at almost 6 yep he understood the reprimand and the reason but DD at nearly 3 is more of a challenging customer.

And as for the comment on where these words were heard, they came from school, neither of DS or DD have used swear words and DS lasted until he started school to bring home 'stupid' and 'hate' but unfortunately as I said above the same reprimands that worked on him just haven't worked with DD... that's why I asked for advice.

Yeah I'm with starball. When my dd (4) tells me she hates me, I say 'that's fine, you can hate me if you want to. But you DO have to do as I say'. I could see it shocked her when I said it as she was doing it for a rise!

They're kids, they don't mean it

I am in the 'I love you too honey' camp. DS1 soon got bored (after getting rage that I didn't get it!)

There are some good answers on here. It is meaningless and a phase. Don't take it seriously and discuss it. Just have a stock reply.