Tips on preparing DD for a new baby in the family

[Mum2Ela]

Hi everyone,

I am sorry if this has been done before but I can't find threads anywhere.

Having just found out I am pregnant with no.2 I was wondering if any of you wise mumsnetters have any useful tips or know of any good books which deal with preparing children for the arrival of new siblings.

In my case, DD is just 18 months and so will be just over 2 years old when DD / DS arrives, all going well.

Is there anything in particular I should say to her? When should I begin taking to her about it? I know she is only young but I think it would seen awfully odd to her to simply arrive home one day with a new baby!

Any advice very much appreciated!

Book called "Baby for Grace" which is lovely.
I wouldn't talk to her about it until about 7 months along; you're right there are other threads about this... see if I can find.

I think I recommended this recently somewhere on Mumsnet but can't remember where, I Want A Sister by Tony Ross

It is available in board and thin paper versions, I got the board one for my dd who was about 18 months at the time.

BTW, dd was 20 omonths when ds was born, I didn't really say much to her in advance as not much seemed to sink in. Luckily, I was able to come home from hospital on the same day so she spent the day with her nana and was waiting for me and ds when we got home, all excited. She has been fine with him since then, he's 6 months now and she hasn't had a jealous moment...yet, even though it was a massive change for her, not least since I was bf so ds was welded to me for several months; I think his arrival actually made her feel quite grown up in some respects. I'm quite sure that she soon forgot life without him existed since if I asked her about things before his birth she will swear blind he was there!

Good luck.

books are great I think. may I recommend "Topsy and TIm and the New Baby"?! My dd quite liked it from the start, and it prompted a few questions, but as my due date drew nearer, my dd would make me read it to her more and more often. She was only 2, but I think it really helped her to understand what a new baby being around might be like. DS liked it too, before DS2 was born. Interestingly as soon as the babies arrived, they never asked for it again!

dd1 was 2 and a half when dd2 came along. we had talked to her for the couple of months leading up to the birth, and also made sure we had a little present packed for dd1 in my hospital bag to give to her from the baby. i remember her running into the ward where i was waiting and she stopped dead when she spotted dd2. she was unsure at first but as soon as we mentioned presents she was fine. even held dd2 for a cuddle. i was home the same day as well. now adays well, they fight like mad over toys but get on great, always cuddling and playing. she even tells dd2 that she 'will be ok, doctor will make u better' when dd2 is ill. sooooooooo sweet.

thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will have a look at the books recommended, but will wait a long while before mentioning anything to DD.

x

DD1 has a lovely book called 'the new baby' which is just pictures, no words, so very useful to fill in with chat.

I chatted to her about the baby in mummy's tummy and she actually got very excited (she was about six months older than yours), kept insisting it was a 'bebbysister' (thank heavens it was!), and was thrilled when she did arrive.

MUM2ELA.....soon to be "MUM2ELA+BABY"!!!!!

One memory i have is that as my 1st son had no desire to be in a 'big boy bed' that we decided to let him keep using his cot as we thought it would be ages before ds2 would need it....however what i had not 'bargained' for was that by the time i was 7/8 months pregnant- ds1 was so heavy that i physically found it too hard to lift him out!!!!!So we then had to 'suddenly' get a 'big boy bed'.... So consider getting her into a bed before that happens to you!!!!! (then you may even be able to use the cot for the baby - without her feeling that she was 'squuezed out' to make room for your new baby.

I have 3 boys- and found the 'hardest' bit was deciding how to plan the practical stuff such as where baby would sleep/should i potty train the older child before or after etc!!!!!! I feel this preparation made sure that every time i had a baby - i did not have any 'resentment'....though as i said above ds1 did feel he 'lost' his cot!!!!!!
Even though there's ages to go have a think about what DD uses NOW that you would like to use for the NEW baby....you can then 'wean' DD off it well before the baby arrives- not telling her why-just making it out as 'something that happens' (just as you'd do naturally if she were an only child)
Then you can involve her in the choosing of any new equiptment that you will buy- and get out the old stuff that she had as a baby (like carrycot/ moses basket etc) and remind her how 'cute/ special etc' she was in it etc!!!!

Plan where baby will sleep at night- especially if baby will eventually share DD's room- even though it will not be straight after the birth- so that you can 'change' DD's room around NOW.....redecorate ,add an extra cupboard for baby's clothes etc....she can help you put clothes in it ready too.

Get a new toy box that DD can put toys that SHE thinks the new baby will like to have ( we now the baby will not 'play' for ages....but it really helped my boys 'begin' to share!!!!

Are you using DD's pram/pushchair....reduce her time in it gradually- then as gets nearer the time if she still needs a puschair look at a 'kiddi board' (my pram had a removable toddler seat'

Will you breastfeed? Bottlefeed? Breastfeeding can be a wonderful 'together time' where you 'all' snuggle up with snacks DD has chosen and watch a 'special' video or look at books.
Bottle feeds can be fun to- she can help you make them up- my boys loved washing the bottles with a bottle brush.(also if DD has milk in bottles now- maybe get her some new 'different' bottles or maybe even cups- so that she has ones which are HERS.....this is partly due to the 'sterilising' aspect- you may make feeds up in advance and you don't want her 'tasting' the baby's bottles -

Also- in my case we also had the 'potty training' dilema!!! either do it well before the birth or leave it till way after....i talk from experience!!!!!

Is she at nursery yet?....if not maybe consider this - she will benefit with 'having fun' and you will get enough 'day rest' so that you are better able to be 'energetic' with DD when she is home......but get this in place way before the birth - she won't feel 'pushed aside ' and you can 'rest' in those last exhausting weeks before the birth!After the birth it's even nice to get a relative to have the baby for a couple of hours a week - purely so you and DD can do something together .This helps he accept that sometimes she has to share you- and sometimes she has you all to herself!

Finally......generally look at any 'habits' that may need 'tweaking'....... if she sleeps in your bed at all- talk about how baby may be in there too!!!

Basically- my point being ....MAKE CHANGES BEFORE THE BIRTH .....NOT AFTER!!!! She will have very little idea of what 'a baby' means now......but she will do as soon as he/she arrives!!! So at her age she will not 'connect' changes to her routines etc being due to the new baby.....however if it's done after the birth she will possibly be more 'aware'!!!

Wow, Mrsforgetful, thanks for all the tips!

Well currently, DD has her own bed and her own bedroom and she likes her independance in that way (she never sleeps in with us).

She goes to nursery one day a week and I carry that on when I take maternity leave.

You bring up a good point with potty training and I had been thinking about this myself. I was planning to have a go with her during the summer, but she won't quite be 2 then and I suppose it could all go very wrong and I would then have to wait til after baby is born. I think I will have to wait and see how 'ready' she is.

I am going to re-read the thread and have a think about all the points - thanks everyone!

Mum2Ela, I think Mrs Forgetful is right about potty training but with one thing and another I started dd (then 25 months) potty training when ds was 4 months old, not my choice really but she saw her friend use a potty, seemed keen and I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Anyway, it wasn't ideal but i survived, despite there being a few lunges across the room to fling her on the potty whilst bf ds at the same time! If you did try her in the summer and it did go horribly wrong, you could always go back to nappies anyway.

I also thing Mrs Forgetful is spot on about making feeding times all snuggly, it gives some special time for the older child and means that you keeo them nice and still.

We have just an 18 month gap, so most "new baby" books were far too sophisticated for my son. Friend recommended Za-za's Baby Brother - for info, at Amazon here , and although sexes were wrong - think Za-za's a girl, & our new one was a girl - it was just the right level for ds. Your dd might be more grown-up & switched on, though.

If anyone can recommend a book about the arrival of a new baby that is suitable for a 4 and a half year old and doesn't specifically mention hospital (as I'm planning a homebirth), I'd be glad to hear it.
Mum2Ela, mrsforgetful's advice to make any changes that will be necessary BEFORE the birth seems very sensible to me.

My dd was 5.5 when she became a big sister and was given a book called "Angelina's baby sister" (I think). As she was and is heavily into Angelina Ballerina it was ideal. Also being a bit older it was suited to her age group more than the 2 and 3 year olds. Basically Angelina gets very fed up with all the time and attention her new sister gets, throws a wobbly in front of the grandparents...
We actually found it very useful for after the birth when dd's nose was pushed a little out of joint. It was nice that Angelina was feeling the same

My friend's just had a baby and wishes she'd stayed in more before the birth to change existing DD's routine to be more house-based than full of activities & visits. So there's no change after the baby's born. That's advice I'll be following!

With regards to when to tell, I'm not sure at that age they'd get excited and really understand anyway. I read somewhere that 9 months can seem like a lifetime to toddlers but last Christmas when DD was just over 2, there was little concept of anticipation and I don't think they'd lie awake at night wondering when the baby was coming or keep asking.

We've told DD but really because my friend's just had her 2nd baby (1st is same age as DD) so it was a good time to start the big sister story.

Someone mentioned taking child to the scans which I think is a good idea and we'll definitely take DD to the 22 wk one. I've also shown her the baby book from when she was born with pictures of the scans and when she was first born. She's also wanted to watch videos of when she came home etc so she's gaining an understanding of the fact that she was tiny once etc.

There's a thread under Pregnancy called Tips for 2nd Pregnancy (which I started). There are quite a few useful recommendations for books to prepare for a second baby.

Thanks for the recommendation Posey. Ds has come across Angelina at nursery so it might be one to check out.
Chicaguapa - the guidance leaflet our hospital gives out concerning scans asks parents not to bring small children (presumably because the staff find it distracting). I'm not necessarily supporting this stance, just mentioning it - don't know if other hospitals are the same.

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy

Two books I'd recommend which I used for ds1 in preparation for the arrival of ds2.

Waiting for Baby and My New Baby

Both are great for little ones - no text but lovely illustrations that you can talk around and point things out. James loved the first one in particular and still looks at it now.

ds1 was 23 months when his brother arrived. He was still in a cot but we made the transition to big bed when Ben was about 9 weeks old. No problems and James has settled in to his new bed fine.

I chatted to James about the bump (once it became visible) and he came to the scans with me. He didn't really say much initially but used to pat my bump and say "baby". Since Ben's arrival, he has shown nothing but love and affection for his brother - it moves me to tears sometimes. I also made a point of getting James a present from his new brother when he came home for the first time.

I've kept to our routine and Ben has fitted in. I'm breastfeeding Ben and try to use the time to look at videos (all of us on the sofa) or to look at books so James has some special time too. I'm still feeding James in evening as well.

We're now 4 months in and things are pretty good - can't complain!

Hope this helps. I think I've gone into ramble mode!

MUM2ELA : P.s Congrats too!! So keen to 'tell you what to do!' that i forgot to say that!

When i was pregnant for the very first time-
I carried on 'as normal'and coped just fine!
2 weeks before the birth - nature forced me to STOP!!!
And i rested and nested until my waters popped!

Second time around the worries began...
Will baby be accepted- and ds1 not feel rejected?
and how will I cope ?
Will he like breast or bottle...Both i hope!

4 weeks before the birth- nature made me give in...
to all the 'signals' coming deep from within.
I'd missed all the rest i'd had the first time around-
chasing ds1 was exhausting i had quickly found!

Finally, 3rd time round you'd think i'd have learnt....

But 8 weeks before the birth,
after medical advice-
I was orderded to STOP!
Or else i'd be hospitalised.

So I spent time planning how i'd do my best for all ....
spliting myself into pieces- picking them up when they should fall.

5 years on I have 3 lovely boys
I am continually stepping on their hundreds of toys!

Each has accepted they have to share ME
...sometimes fighting- but loved equaly!
And none of them remember the dilemas I faced
....regarding how i'd handle the feelings when they felt 'Replaced'

So a message to you 'mum2ela'
is relax and enjoy this precious time together!

Mrsforgetful -

Thats fab! Did you make that poem up just for me?

x

YEP! I get the creative urge sometimes!!!