Feeling a bit sad ... Don't feel DD has a "bond" to me

[iheartshoes]

I have one DD who is ten months old. I am a SAHM and we do lots of baby groups and I have lots of friends with similar age babies who we meet up with on a one on one basis. Once a week she goes to my mums for three hours while I do some voluntary work and Saturday mornings DH has her while I do Uni work (OU degree).

But this is going to sound ridiculous - she has no separation anxiety from me at all and this is starting to really upset me! I know I should be pleased that she is a happy and confident little thing but my friends babies all seem to get distressed when mum leaves the room - DD never seems to notice. When I picked her up from my mums this afternoon she didn't crawl towards me really or really acknowledge I had come back. Yet when DH gets home from work she is all smiles nd excitement, crawls towards him straight away.

She stayed at grandparents Saturday night as DH and I had a night out - Sunday morning when I came to collect her and she saw me she she didn't crawl towards me or act excited on anything just carried on playing . I wanted to cry ! Is it because I am leaving her too much? I suppose I am just looking for reassurance really that I haven't done it all wrong and the fact she never really seems t miss me doesn't mean that she's just not bothered about being with her mum. We had a rocky first few months and i felt like that bond didn't come straight away, but now I adore her more than anything and it hurts when I see other babies of her age get visibly upset when mum leaves the room and DD just isn't bothered !! Please tell me i haven't done it all wrong ?! I am not saying I want to make her totally dependent on me not at all but I feel that if I was to disappear she wouldn't notice and it me making me feel like a completely crap mum that she has no bond to me.

Same thing over here OP! DD is now 26 months and just doesn't do separation anxiety but does cry when I pick her up from CM and it was DH that dropped her off. She is so disappointed to see me!

I don't think there is anyway we can win with this one. My friend has a DD who cries whenever she leaves the room and whilst it's kind of sweet, I know which I prefer!

DS didn't really get the typical 9-12 month separation anxiety, but it hit really badly around 18-20 months.

I think it's great that your dd is so confident that you will come back to get her that she doesn't need to get upset when you leave. She obviously has a lot of trust in you and is a happy confident baby. That's a good thing.
Plus seperation anxiety is a phase rather than a baby missing mummy thing. When ds was 9 months old he could be screaming for me when I was stood right next to him don't feel like you haven't bonded, you're doing great.

It's a sign she is totally secure and bonded to you - she has no fear of you leaving her because she knows you never would in the nicest possible way, you are part of the furniture to her. So relax, you've got this parenting lark nailed. She's happy and secure. Her relationship with you bodes well for her future friendships and relationships, the research says so. It is children who fear being left completely who are upset at being left briefly, if that makes sense.

Your DD is still really little though, so plenty of time to build your attachment. Are you breastfeeding? How about having baths together, carrying her in a sling? If bottlefeeding, snuggling up to feed rather than letting her hold her own bottle. Naps together?

The best way to build a strong attachment is to be responsive and consistent in your interactions.

Yes I think there's still plenty of time for it to sink in. I can't remember when DD started to get upset if I left the room but it was definitely later than I expected.
We put her in nursery at a year and I don't remember her crying initially, but she did later.
I would read it as a sign of her confidence and assurance in you, certainly not lack of bond.

Maybe you have it the other way around OP :) Maybe you have created such a great bond and attachment, she's happy and secure to be off seeing new things and grandparents without you. I know you think that your bond has been affected by the rocky first few months but it's. Rey possible you just did a super job actually at bonding, and she's secure in her attachment to you which is why she's all - oh yeah, hi mummy...Oooh what's that??

Look into attachment theory to reassure you...you might just be seeing signs of a securely bonded child. But I'm absolutely positive that she needs and wants you around, and doesn't want you to disappear.

I remember being so worried about this with my DS. It felt like his preference was DH, then DM, then me (reluctantly). On his first birthday I distinctly remember him completely rejecting me and I said to DH that I wasn't contemplating having anymore DC as I was clearly doing it so wrong.

Since then (he is now 4) he adores me. I would say that I didn't even get a cuddle from him until he was 2, but that once he started he didn't stop. He is by far the most cuddly child of all his friends and I can't believe I ever worried.

Please don't worry. You are not leaving your DD for long at all. She is probably just very secure with you.

I agree with the others. She is displaying a great attachment to you :)

She might not have started her separation anxiety phase yet! But even if she never does it doesn't matter. Babies are all so different. She sounds very happy and confident! But I bet it's just round the corner and then you'll be thinking for heaven's sake I'm only going to the kitchen, not leaving for Australia!

Ds1 was exactly the same. Never had separation anxiety, all over dh when he came home. He's 9 now and we've always had a really good bond. He went abroad with dh when I was pregnant a couple of years ago and when he returned he clung to me and sobbed! Bless him! He's not naturally cuddly though.

She's not not bothered, she's just very secure.

Thank you so much for all these lovely responses I feel nearly in tears with relief as it was starting to really get to me. I will look up attachment theory but I do so hope it is because she knows I would never leave her for good rather than she isn't bothered I'm gone. I did only breastfed for 3 weeks so do feel a bit guilty about that and I should perhaps have persevered as I know breastfeeding can help
Bonding but I was just getting beside myself with exhaustion. I do sometimes give her her bottles in her bouncy chair so I can get stuff done but will
Do more actually giving her bottles to her and always try to have lots of cuddles but she is such a wriggly little thing she won't stay still for me to cuddle her that long!! I just love her so much and I desperately want a close relationship with her as she grows and was worries the lack of separation anxiety on her part basically meant we would never have a close relationship as she wasn't bothered about her boring old mum. Thank you so much to everyone who has responded I keep reading over the messages for reassurance.

Dd was and is still the same. When she was little i had several friends babysitting ,no problems at all. The one and only time she cried for me was when i dropped her in nursery, i had given her too many clothes and she got too warm. It could be two things. First that she is very much secure and has bonded with you that she knows even when you are not around that she is safe or she has not yet begun to go through the separatipn anxiety stage. She might not even go through it. DD is 4 , would scream if her dad was going out but never when i went out.

Be glad. When she starts hanging on to you like you are joined at the hip you will miss these peaceful moments..

For what it's worth DD went from that wriggly thing you mention to an adorable cuddly little girl. She loves hugging and cuddling. She surprises many people by going over to them and greeting them and chatting to them. Each time they always get a hug. She comes to me when i am in the middle of something and says "mommy i just wanted to give you a hug" and my heart melts. Mind yesterday i was told i was the most horrible, boring mummy ever so it a balanced i guess..

My dd was the same she never cried if she was left but she's nearly 3 and when I go and collect her from her nans she runs up to me for a kiss and cuddle I love it. Even coming in from work she asks how it was and gives me a lovely slobbery kiss