How do you cope and manage it all?

[ChaCha]

because today i really feel that I can't and that i'm inadequate. (Hormones probably!)
I have a wonderful little 8 month old DS and am 11 weeks pregnant with our second. I feel very blessed and fortunate - did not think i would have any at all. No complaints on this front

Just today for example, I am feeling so tired and ill that i've barely managed to find the energy to play with DS, fortunately he's been bathed and fed with only tea time to tend to but the kitchen is a disaster area, washing piles resemble mountains, so much needs to be done and i just can't do it How do you all cope? I notice that so many of you have no help and have more than one child...i could do with some tips.

DH is usually pretty good, i.e. he works very long hours, has been coming home between 9 and 10pm, making bottles, quick tidy up of surfaces in kitchen, takes DS thereafter and so on...but he also has his days like today when he came home for lunch and did nothing but complain about everything from DS falling back onto the rug with no cushions in sight to support him (bad mummy), that there were things needing thrown out in fridge, that the dishes only 'needed to be put into dishwasher...how long does that take?' and all the rest. I guess like everyone else he has his days too but I feel so totally useless today all i want to do is vegetate and use the energy i have playing with DS.

Help! How do i do it all...How do you?

Get a cleaner. And tell your dh that looking after a baby is a fulltime job and any cleaning that gets done by you is a bonus, not a realistic expectation.

In ten years time which would he rather-- that you playyed with his son and taught him valuable things, or that you kept a clean house!

When I was pregnant with dd2, I used to fall asleep on the sofa. My only hope was that teletubbies would keep her amused for a bit, and that the noise of her tipping toys all over the place would wake me

I found weeks 8-12 excruciatingly tiring, and looking after a little one as well is almost impossible.

Give it a couple of weeks and I'm sure you'll feel better. In the meantime? Do the bare minimum, get help and don't feel guilty.

Ignore your DH.

And please don't feel inadequate, sounds like you are doing a marvellous job

Don't be too hard on yourself - having an 8mo and being 11 weeks pregnant are each tiring enough on their own, but you're coping with both of them together. Definitely if you can get some help, do (cleaner, send out the ironing?) - and I'd second bluejelly's advice on having a chat with DH too. You're doing the important stuff, by playing with DS.

Bluejelly - I actually said that the other day and it ended in an argument, my DH can be very, very stubborn or the complete opposite as is often the case to my surprise. I mentioned the word cleaner and his reply was 'and who's going to pay for that?' which i was disgusted by as I worked hard before DS came along and never had to ask for a penny. He also asked how hard it could be to load the dishwasher and washing machine etc.. I pointed out that DS has home made food three times a day, that he needs bathing and changing, playtime, etc and that yes i could probably manage but am feeling very tired and ill again this PG but to no avail. Then he'll come home and help and not mention it again, i can never win!

"Dishes to be loaded in dishwasher - how long does that take?"

Answer "I don't know, why don't you show me?"

Can you leave him with the baby for a day and see how much housework he gets done?

I think your problem is the pg tiredness. I found it dreadful at that stage. You really need to explaing to him how you are feeling and that you will hopefully be able to manage better in a few weeks. Doesn't sounds like he is understanding of this.

Thanks, must try that line.

Yes, am thinking of that but superman probably will manage! must agree to being sick n tired too though, he complains w/headache!

It is Bozza. It's the sheer exhaustion and hormones, and i vowed that i wouldn't complain or let it get to me as i do realise how fortunate i am to be PG again so soon but i can't help myself. Things are so out of focus when you're tired and can't think of yourself.

Thanks. I feel a bit better knowing that i'm not some sort of lazy slob.

I'm not sure what the answer is Cha Cha but I just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy. I remember you from the Nov threads when I was posting there in case I was left on my own on the October one!
My DH now appreciates that it's hard work looking after a baby all day, but it took a while of me telling him that x y and z aren't done because the way the priorities lie today, x y and z are quite low down the list. And every day they will be lower down the list than feeding, changing the baby etc etc. I don't know if that struck some bloke chord with him or something but he seemed to get it after that.
I also think that many blokes don't realise that when a pregnant woman says she is tired she more than likely means that she is absolutely completely and utterly exhausted not just a bit sleepy and needing 40 winks! I don't know how many times when I was pregnant that we had the converstaion that went "OMG I am soooo tired" DH - "well go to bed then"

ChaCha, I only have one and I often feel like this! I would second bluejelly's suggestion and leave him with the baby for a day and see how much housework gets done. My dp never complained about the dishwasher not being loaded, etc.., but he admitted after a day of looking after ds alone that although he had sometimes thought that I should be able to get more done around the house, he would never think that again. After trying it himself he realised what a hard job I have!

I think your dh working long hours is a factor - everyone feels more tired. You because you are on your own with the baby for longer than you should be and him because he isn't getting enough time at home. I was in a similar situation until we moved recently in order to be closer to dp's work. It has really improved things for us and I feel much more able to cope.

just have to say - not everyone can afford tog et a cleaner -

that said

its about the iportance and value you put on housework - i personally think its shit and would rather watch telly.

my dh and children think same.

excellent

it took half an hour of crying and shouting to get through to my dp that when i say i am tired, i dont mean a bit sleepy, i mean utterly knackered and unable to stand. until that he kept competing with me, every time i complained he complained and last week it just got a bit too much (im also 11 weeks pg)

you cope by ignoring the washing mountain and just doing the things you need for tomorrow, washing dishes when you get the time and leaving some of it to dp. he should understand that getting you pg is not where his job finishes! my dp has been very lovely since last week, i can recommend a good rant.

also reassess what actually needs doing, and figure out the best time for doing stuff. if you get a bit of an energy burst at a particular time of day do 10 minutes housework then (but dont feel you have to keep going to collapse). at 8 months i used to put my kids in their highchair in the kitchen and let them play with assorted kitchen items they didnt normally get their hands on. a whisk can keep them occupied for ages, usually long enough to get the washing up done. i find hoovering a bit of a struggle due to a sore back when pg so thats a good excuse for dp to do it.

custy has it sorted as usual.

I was fortunate when pg with DD that DH remembered what I was like when I was pg with DS - ie going to bed as soon as I got home from work. Obviously I didn't do that with DD because I had to spend the time with DS until his bedtime. But I used to be in bed at 7.45 often in those first few weeks.

It will get easier when the tiredness lifts. Honestly, being pg with a 2 1/2 yo was much harder than looking after a 3yo and a newborn.