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Original poster

How to ensure dd's care if I died?

18 replies

WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 16:36

I don't know why but it's struck me today that if I died I wouldn't know what would happen to my dd,
I am not with her dad and I definitely do not want her to end up in his care so this is what I want to ensure.i have my reasons and none are malicious towards him ,it is about the quality of care and love my dd would receive and he can't do it.
I also know if he did have sole care of her his mum/step dad would become the full time carers but without the financial entitlement ie child benefit etc, he would.

Is there any steps I can take?
If I married would my dh become sole carer?
I would much prefer dd to go to her grandparents as there is no one else in the family I would trust to give her the best care as well she doesn't know the rest as well.

I know it's a horrible thought but it happened to me wen I was young but with my dad and not my mum ..

OP posts:
Original poster
WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 16:40

Also the grandparents would not have the right to decide for my dc health etc

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Preciousbane · 01/02/2014 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 16:50

I'm definitely going to get something sorted this side of the year I just need to known what to do and where to start.
There is not really any one else I would consider but maybe in the will I will put something along the lines of if grandparents are not capable due to health or are deceased then if I am married then my widow should be considered..maybe my brother and his wife they are good people.
After that I'm a bit fearful..

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Blueuggboots · 01/02/2014 17:03

I'll be watching this thread with interest as I also need to write a will stating who I want to he guardian to my son.
I don't want my exH to have him because he's talking about moving to another country so my parents wouldn't be able to see him if this happened.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 01/02/2014 17:09

I think you are right to want to put things in place just in case.

A fellow mumsnetter drew up wills us over the telephone before Christmas, it was really straightforward and not expensive. Her name is mumblechum. She has a thread in the small business ad section and you can ask her questions.

Original poster
WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 17:12

Thanks I will try seek her out and point her in the direction of this thread.

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OhCaptainDarling · 01/02/2014 17:13

This is something we addressed last year. My mother died when I I was younger and now have a horrid fear of leaving my children.

DH and I have decide if something happens to us, DC's will live with my brother. We had a huge chat with him about it all, he's only 29. He simple said if anything happened I won't let anyone else take care of the children. This was a great comfort.

We spoke about money, schooling and childcare. It would have a huge impact on his life so wanted to make sure he was happy.

I hate the fact we have needed to do this, but it's better than have your wishes down on paper inc a will. Nothing worse than people fighting or being unclear of your wishes.

cakebar · 01/02/2014 17:13

When we wrote wills I'm sure they said that we could write whatever we wanted but if there was someone with pr then they would get to decide so you can write you would like your parents to do it but it would be irrelevant. If your dh adopted your dd then he would become sole carer. Also, you don't know how circumstances will change so we have put that we would like my sister to decide - we have spoken to her and left a letter, we would want her to have them unless circumstances change - I have 2 relatives who have no children who may end up adopting, if one set had adopted and the other not then I would want my kids to go to the ones that hadn't (yet).

If money was likely to be a problem you should get life insurance and stipulate the money get put in trust for your dd and you can make provisions for a set of trustees to get money whilst she is a child to pay for things she needs, you could make your parents trustees so your ex p couldn't get his hands on it.

OhCaptainDarling · 01/02/2014 17:15

I also having a living will too!

OhCaptainDarling · 01/02/2014 17:18

Oh yes, money into trust. This is what my mum did for us, I was 25yrs old.

I think we've put 30 for our DC's. I know people put 18yrs but I know several people who spanked the on rubbish and had nothing to show for it.

HectorVector · 01/02/2014 17:26

Mumblechum did our wills too... Regarding care of DS she said that we could put our wishes down but that didn't mean it would definitely happen, although a judge would take our wishes seriously. Our issue was choosing my bro over DH's sis. Where a father is concerned I'm not sure there's much you could do that would stop him getting your daughter in the event of your death unless there are other issues. But I may be wrong.

Original poster
WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 17:27

Cake bar it would be dd's dads parents i wish to care for her and he would let them but I worry that he would still keep the custody therefore any financial support:entitlement would be his and not theirs potentially leaving them in a financial predicament.
Anyone else then he would probably kick up a fuss about but he still is not capable of being the father she deserves,
Hence me wanting to get it all in writing.

I will speak to the grandparents though I don't know how I will bring it up and also I will speak with my brother and sil.

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Original poster
WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 17:31

He isn't a good role model for dd, takes very little to do with her and based on my past relationship with him I worry he would emotionally/domestically abuse her as he did me.
She wouldn't be fed or clothed properly so generally neglected so I have valid reasons for this.

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Original poster
WisneaMe · 01/02/2014 17:41

Found mumble chum iv took a snapshot of her email .

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cakebar · 01/02/2014 20:54

If you have left money in trust and named trustees that are not him then he couldn't get that money. If you mean child benefit then yes, he would get that. I think in this circumstance you need to look at life insurance money/what you can leave and how to protect it, you would need to see a solicitor to do that.

HelenHen · 02/02/2014 09:06

Oh this is interesting. Dh and I cannot agree, he wants him to go to his mom, I don't. He has said he won't agree to a will suggesting anything else and I know his mom would fight it after my death if I suggested otherwise! My only option is to probably make my own will but I know a judge would have final say! It's horrible!

Original poster
WisneaMe · 02/02/2014 19:24

Helenhen you can get a couples will written and have two choices of guardian I suppose.
And then it's in the hand of the authorities to decide that,I reckon that would be a good compromise is you both have a written choice on a joint will..

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HelenHen · 03/02/2014 07:42

Oh I didn't know that could be done, thank you!

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