Party invite politics!

[OhSoVintage]

Im feeling awful tonight and feeling like I did the wrong thing just wondering what others think.

DD '7' is horse crazy, she has horse everything in her room and plays ponies in the playground daily (you get the picture) Although we can't really afford lessons even though she begs me and it wouldn't be fair on my eldest as she is desperate to ride also.

So in her class there are only 16 children and only 6 of those are girls so as you can imagine they are all pretty tight knit and if one or two get left out its a massive issue.

My dd has been excited about a horse riding party coming up all week (we hadn't had any invite but she just assumed it would be coming! ). I picked her up from a play-date this evening and the mother of her friend said that she wanted to warn me that mine and her dd had been really upset as there was a party that all the girls where invited to apart from our children (The horse riding party!!).
After talking to the mother about how its not really fair and agreeing that if you are inviting more than two girls you need to go for all the girls as they are still very young to just be leaving two out and I put dd into the car.

My dd was then crying quite hysterically all the way to pick up my eldest and was devastated about this party as the said girl is very friendly with her (she was round for tea twice in the last fortnight!) so she couldn't understand it.
So when I got a text through to my phone that dd was holding (playing mine craft) telling her that a girl had dropped out and would she like to come to the horse party, you can imagine she was over the moon and we text back straight away without thinking it through really (I had just had an hour evening school run with her crying).

So when I got home I felt terrible as the girl who's house she had come from is now the only girl not invited! I felt awful as i had spoken to her about how i felt and now dd is going!

The party mother had said she could only invite 6 children so she opted for some of the boys, I suppose its her party but its not something I would do when its such a small class.

I decided to ring my friend as i didn't want her dd to hear it in the playground and have asked my dd to be sensitive about it. She as you can imagine was not at all happy. The tone was very much 'you do what you need to do but Im going to have tears'.

So now I feel so anxious about it all and really crap for accepting the invitation. I think we should of politely turned it down even though dd would have been upset. It would have taught her a valuably life lesson about friendship and loyalty. But unfortunately in my hast I have already accepted :(

You are not the one who has excluded a child. So try not to assume that guilt.

Talk to your DD about how she felt when she was left out, about how when everyone is talking about it at school its not really fair on those not invited and it would be a lovely thing if they could talk about things that everyone can join in with.

Could you arrange with the friend a day out at a farm park or similar where they do horse ridding or a trip to a horse sanctuary or even a promise of donkeys on the beach in the summer? Something/ anything thats a future invite to focus on for the excluded child.

I would be pretty annoyed if I was the play dates mother as well, although I would respect you for phoning to explain. Personally I think you should have declined the invite on principal. Not sure what you can do about it now though. I think the birthday girls mum was at best being shortsighted, at worse mean.

I would have declined the invitation too; both for the sake of your dd's friend who is now the only one left out, and the sheer lack of social graces party girl's mum displayed in explaining how you are only invited because someone dropped out...
Why not send take the two girls out somewhere nice on the day instead?

I would have done the same thing as you...ie accepted the invite to make my little girl happy. And I bet the other mother would have too. That was really mean of the party girl's mother to leave two girls out. I'm dreading these kind of party politics when my two are at school. MisForMumNotMaid's idea about another invite to look forward to is brilliant. And try to not feel guilty. You're obviously a kind person to now be so anxious about it and so caring of how the other girl and her mum are feeling. How awful that you were put in this position!

I'd have done the same as you, and if I'd been the mum of the other girl who had been left out I like to think I'd have handled your phone call with a little more understanding too. Give it a couple of days and go and speak to her in person and say what you said in your OP. I think the idea of taking the two girls out doing something horse related sounds a good idea too. Of course, it's the original mums fault for doing the invites as she did, but perhaps she just didn't want the boy/girl division at such a young age. It does sound difficult as there are so few girls in the class.

If I were the play dates mother, I would naturally feel upset for my DD but would hate the thought that another child would miss out on our behalf!

You have done the right thing. The party mum is the one in the wrong and that really isn't your fault or responsibility. Excluding one girl in a class of six is shortsighted at best.

Thank you I did send her a txt half hour ago to apologise and told her to tell her daughter we will go somewhere nice for the day 'they have the zoo in mind'
She was fine with me so I feel a bit better but not for the little girl :(
I can't really turn back now Ive said yes and dd already has her sisters old riding hat and jodhpurs at the ready on the end of her bed.

On hindsight it wasn't a good idea to accept but its was difficult as dd saw the text but hey ho hind sight is a lovely thing!
Anyway not good news all round as I bet the urge to have riding lessons will be stronger aside from the other issue! But thats my fault for not thinking it through!

Ah well. Maybe someone else will drop out and your dd's friend can play second reserve?

If you leave gender out of this then there's nothing in the situation that could be called unfair. Given the small numbers, leaving gender out makes a lot of sense to me. Nothing to feel guilty about.