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Parenting

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Original poster

DS2 hit a girl at school... Advice on how to make him understand

20 replies

RebeccaJames · 31/01/2014 21:58

Hi all. I've posted on here before about my son's problem reception class, where the boys are displaying a high level of violence because of one of two boys. My son has been punched a couple of times and I have been scared it would be monkey-see-monkey do...

On Wednesday he and three other boys hit a girl in their class. The other three restrained her and my son punched her in the chest. I only found out because the girl's mother told me - the school didn't because it "wasn't seen", which is exactly what happened when my son was punched.

I am beyond shocked. My boy is a sunny person who has always been very empathic. He's boisterous but has never done anything like this before. I found out the headmaster spoke to the boys about it and asked my son about it. He initially insisted it was an accident but I had no trick with that, and he eventually told me.

I have his punishments mapped out, but what I am troubled by is how to make his five-year-old mind understand how ugly what they did is. What words to use. As a victim of bullying throughout my schooling, I find it sickening, but I want to keep lines of communication open and not go overboard, while still making him understand how bad it was.

Any ideas how to explain it in terms he can understand? Not just that it was wrong, but just how wrong. I am in tears to think he did this.

Please advise! I need to make sure that he remains his own person and doesn't do stuff just because others are. I suspect he did it because he is in thrall to a boy who is too popular for his own good and is sometimes quite unkind.

OP posts:

Mikkii · 31/01/2014 22:02

I don't have any advice for you, but my son has been bullied by one child since reception and it is still ongoing, and I'm really glad you want to address this with your son.

How would you feel if.... Is a good question. Or how do you think (the girls name) felt when....?

dobedobedo · 31/01/2014 22:15

I know how you feel. Ds did something almost identical at the same age. He's 9 now and we've had no repeats of any behaviour even close to this.
at the time I thought, "right. I'm only going to punish him for this once," because I never wanted him to repeat violent behaviour and also because if someone did the same to him, I'd be so upset, as would he! So for two weeks he was banned from all his toys, games, TV, everything. He had to be with me at all times and the only thing he was allowed to do to not go nuts with boredom was to read or do sums.
I also made him tell his dad and his nan what he'd done. He was really ashamed to do so and both his nan and dad said how disappointed/sad/etc they were at his behaviour.
Ds was truly sorry, he broke his wee heart over how he'd hurt another child. He wrote him a letter (unprompted) and we went out and bought a gift (sweets) for him.

If I were you, I'd make the fallout so serious, your ds won't forget it. It'll be worth it in the long run. Also make sure you explain that the little girl was frightened, helpless and hurt and how you would hate for him to feel the same etc.

Original poster

RebeccaJames · 31/01/2014 23:08

Wow, Dobedobedo, that is some punishment! I am really impressed at how you rammed your point home!

Have discussed with DH and we are upping our punishments after reading your post, but not quite that severe. We have a 7-week-old sleepless baby and I don't think I can sustain a punishment like that at the moment. He is losing the game he has been looking forward to playing with daddy all week, and planned family movie night, and TV all weekend. And we are going to make him phone his nan tomorrow and tell her himself. I would have told her but I like your idea of having the shame of doing it himself.
We also just signed him back up at a gym that he has so looked forward to going to again. Tomorrow is his first session. We think we will let him go, but also say that if he repeats any kind of behaviour like that, we will cancel his membership. That way he has warning.

I found out about this just as DH was putting him to bed tonight. I spoke to him about it and did ask him to remember how he felt when he was punched and how he thought the girl would have felt. He didn't seem remorseful at that stage but I am going to try again tomorrow. I won't give up until his conscience is pricked!

OP posts:

Back2Basics · 31/01/2014 23:16

My ds bit another dc in year one, not just a little bite either.

I think 2 weeks is to long for a 5 year old, it wouldn't work for us. I did do the ring nanny and grandma and tell them what you did trick though.

dobedobedo · 01/02/2014 08:06

You know, I felt awful the whole time. And I told ds that I felt sad that he was having such a crap time of it, but he must understand why and anyway, the mum of the little boy he hit felt sadder than I did probably!
Maybe it was a bit too harsh. But like I said, I only wanted to deal with an issue like that once!
One good thing came out of it. Ds has loved reading ever since. it was all he could do for two weeks, distraction of toys and TV free! Also we spent more time chatting and cuddling during that time too, which was nice.

MrsKent · 01/02/2014 08:15

I agree with ideas along the lines of "how would you feel?" Etc... I'd also talk about saying NO when friends have bad ideas. Role play can help, mum says " imagine I'm X and tel you ... What do you say?" And teach him how to face pressure from peers to misbehave.

QTPie · 01/02/2014 09:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Back2Basics · 01/02/2014 09:19

Oh I wasn't judging you do I was just saying 2 weeks would be to long for my ds and it would make him resentful not sorry. Also reading and sums my ds does for fun anyway

Original poster

RebeccaJames · 01/02/2014 10:03

Well, after all the good advice I had here, I am reporting back. I've told him his punishments and had a long chat with him. We've discussed how Heidi would have felt, how her mum would have felt (i.e. the same as I would have felt if I had been done to DS), that he was responsible for her crying and being scared to go to school the next morning, etc. we also talked about how C (the ringleader boy) has some really bad ideas and DS needs to think about his suggestions and decide for himself if he thinks they're good ideas. And also how to say no if he decides they're bad ideas. I took the suggestion of role-playing how to say no. We reviewed some of C's ideas that haven't been so great and how they worked out for DS.

We are going to make a giant "sorry" cookie for the girl to take to her house later. And he's not allowed to eat any of the dough or make one for himself. But he will get to help make it and decorate it with smarties.

Hopefully all together this will help him not to participate in the rough stuff that the school seems so unable to stamp out...

Thanks everyone!

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CrockedPot · 01/02/2014 10:08

It sounds like you've got it sorted. For what it's worth, my ds did something similar in reception too and I felt just like you. He was mortified when we talked it over (after I'd finished raging) and he wrote a letter of apology to the girl in question. I think I was so shocked because it seemed so out of character, as you said about your son, but I can assure you my ds has never done anything like it since, and my faith in him is completely restored!

Scrounger · 01/02/2014 11:33

Great suggestions and ideas, in your last post you mentioned the girls name, you may want to have it edited.

Also, could I suggest that you tell the school what happened, not so that they can add to the punishment, but so that they can understand what is happening in that classroom. I'm quite surprised that two instances of a similar nature took place without either of them being seen, assuming that they weren't as they got away with saying it was an accident.

Original poster

RebeccaJames · 01/02/2014 12:17

Probably OK as nobody knows area or school or surname.

The school do know about it, and apparently the headmaster spoke to them about it yesterday. But the mother of the girl told me the school wasn't going to tell the boys' mothers as nothing was seen. Seems to me that if my child was spoken to by the head, then it's been taken seriously enough to inform me. I want to back up the school discipline at home but I can't if I'm not told. The girl's mother was told quite rudely by the reception teacher not to tell the mums but she told me anyway because she knows I would want to know.

It is very odd how things keep happening without teachers seeing. That classroom is heaving with teachers and assistant teachers. When my son was punched in the stomach, both he and his friend went home with exactly the same story, but no parents were told because it wasn't seen again. I kicked up a stink and the head investigated, but because the boys gave slightly different details the following afternoon (they're five and four!) he said we can't rely in them and nothing could be done.

So angry with the school. I think they're not doing enough and the behaviours are getting perpetuated. Lots of mums are unhappy and thinking of moving their children to their schools, but it's actually the best school in our town. I would expect them to do much more.

OP posts:

Original poster

RebeccaJames · 01/02/2014 12:21

On a funny note, I just told DS that if Spider-Man had been around that day, he would have saved the girl and webbed DS as the baddie. He is so into baddies and goodies at the moment that I thought that might have impact, and it really did! It also opened up a discussion about how baddies aren't all bad and goodies aren't all good. So we said he is a good boy who did a bad thing and made a bad choice.

OP posts:

ChoudeBruxelles · 01/02/2014 12:25

I think two weeks of no toys et is excessive for a five year old.

DanceParty · 01/02/2014 15:40

Of course it's not Choude - it's just about right.

AuditAngel · 01/02/2014 15:43

Rebecca, bad choices is the terminology our nursery use. I believe the psychology is that they are never bad, which can be self perpetuating, but that decision was bad. The next decision can be a good choice or a bad choice.

dobedobedo · 01/02/2014 15:50

I don't think so choude. He was at school during the day so he had play time, and reading and helping or chatting with mum is a good enough way for them to spend their time!
It's hardly abuse.

LongTailedTit · 01/02/2014 16:05

Thank you for starting this thread OP, I'm afraid I'm taking notes!
I was told at nursery pickup this week that my 2.9yo had pushed a little girl over and tried to thump her - apparently in jealousy as his favourite teacher was spending lots of time with the new girl.
My heart sank, and while it's largely his lack of verbal skills that cause him to lash out, how you react to it is just as important as what caused it.

Like Audit says above, trying not to label him as 'a naughty boy' is really important as that's self-fulfilling. I have known too many children that felt there was no point being good as they were so pigeonholed.

Love your Spider-Man analogy, will keep that for future ref!

Original poster

RebeccaJames · 01/02/2014 19:42

Hi all. We baked our giant cookie, and to test DS's sorriness I said after dinner "hey, let's just eat the cookie. H will never know we baked it. You have half and I'll have half", and he said "no, mummy! That's for H, to say I'm sorry!".

Pretty good test of his resolve, and he passed!

OP posts:

LongTailedTit · 01/02/2014 21:24

Good on him.

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