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Do you have regular, good-quality help with your small children from your family?

64 replies

MrsBadcrumble · 01/08/2006 22:09

Because if you do I am so !

I am at my in-laws'. BIL is here too. DS has had the time of his life, he has never once come to me to ask me to do anything other than get him some food (v reasonable imo ), and MIL and BIL have basically taken care of him all day. Tomorrow DH and I are going out together whilst they look after him and at some point I will have a haircut and not need to think about childcare.

Compare and contrast life with just me and DH, who works full-time. It's bloody knackering, I couldn't possible go to the hairdresser's and shopping for anything is a nightmare. (Hence why I look like a midden. [rueful smile]) There's a relative lack of variety by necessity because there are things to do that ds unfortunately has to deal with - shopping, a bit of cleaning, gardening etc. Every day is, well not a struggle, but doing the simplest of things is harder than perhaps it ought to be.

It struck me today, some of you live near your parents, get on well enough to have them help out a bit...What's it like? Could you imagine not having them there to help you?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
WigWamBam · 03/08/2006 13:55

Bugger all help here. My mum will babysit occasionally (and when I say occasionally I mean once or twice a year). My MIL won't sit for us to have a night out, although she has had dd for an hour while we go to parents' evenings or when I've needed emergency dental treatment, but I can count the amount of times she's done that on the fingers of one hand - and dd is 5. She's moving away at the weekend, so even that "luxury" will soon be gone. She goes on about babysitting for us, but when we've asked her she gets awkward - reckons she can't climb the stairs so can't go to dd if she needs her, won't have a cup of coffee in case she needs the loo, blah blah blah - so we just don't bother.

Dd has never stayed overnight with any of our family, and has never had so much as a couple of hours with any of our family while either dh or I are not there. I'm not quite sure why they don't have her, because she's never any bother - they just won't have her.

MadamePlatypus · 03/08/2006 14:49

Parents live 10 minutes away, but are in 70's so they don't look after DS for more than a couple of hours at a time - usually I am there too.

IL's live 200 miles away, but when we do go there it is like going to stay at a hotel with childcare, so I am very, very lucky.

Norah · 03/08/2006 15:03

None here either !

My parents live about 120 miles away - but it may as well be Australia they make so much fuss about travelling here and usually ask to stay TOO long because of the distance (ie. 4 nights !) - My mother talks a good talk and sulks when I have refused to have them up to mind dd for me in holidays - but to be frank she is not "on the ball" enough to look after a 6 yr old - the one time I let her - about 3 yrs ago - she fell asleep on the job ! Also despite being an ex teacher she prefers to read her newspaper than play with dd - and if someone if minding dd I expect them to be acyually interacting with her and noticing what she is up to ! My father had nothing to do with my upbringing - of the generation that considers childcare to be women's work - and has little to do with dd either although he does love her !

Parents-in law are younger (early 60s) and much much better with dd - MIL comes up and stays a week in each holiday to mind dd - but FIL can't leave the house and garden - he is one of those busy types - but at their house he is great with her.

She's having her first sleepover at in laws at end of month - hopefully the start of many !

inlaws live in Devon - and are big part of reason we are thinking of relocating there !

It's little things like having someone I could call to collect dd from school if I was late - or someone to take her to school if I was ill ! You can't buy that - and I need it !

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madmarchhare · 03/08/2006 15:06

Yes, MIL has DS one day a week. I dont have to be doing anything in particular. She has him overnight every two months or so and so does my mum.

CountessDracula · 03/08/2006 15:09

yes we are very lucky, have to fight them off sometimes.

My parents v hands on, PILs v good too. They do all live an hour and a bit away so not on the doorstep. My mum for eg came up for 2 days this week when it was dh's birthday so we could go away for the night. She also house/dog sits when we are on holiday. We take dd to PILs occasionally for the night or if nursery is closed for a week she goes to one or the other.

I know we are vv lucky, I also know if their health goes we could lose it tomorrow so never take it for granted.

madmarchhare · 03/08/2006 15:14

Yes, we get the occasional weekend away as well.

Elibean · 03/08/2006 15:32

Nope, none really. My mother has looked after dd twice, for a few hours, when dd was a baby and mostly asleep. My neice has babysat twice for us. Thats it...but its partly because we're older parents, and our own parents are in their late 70s. And partly because we haven't asked much, though it would still be very limited if we had.

mythumbelinas · 03/08/2006 15:37

yes, lots of help and kids can stay over .. they are retired and live close by and my dad drives altho takes public transport a lot. They can often babysit at the drop of a hat .. though i try not to rely on them too much as they have other grandkids and their own social life, holidays/cruises away.
We had our bathroom done last week and they looked after them for 4 days.

geekgrrl · 03/08/2006 15:44

no help at all and three small children, one with SN. I know just how you feel.

Dh's parents always bugger off to Benidorm & co for months on end (seriously - their permanent address is only 45 minutes away but they're gone most of the year, and when they're around my FIL goes all 'formal' so they and aren't much use), mine live abroad.

We've never had a night together away from the children, in over 7 years.

theladyvanishes · 03/08/2006 20:24

No but i'm stubborn and think i can do it all myself, infact dh is now comparing me to claire from corrie! or should that be a grimace

eggybreadandbeans · 03/08/2006 23:44

When we fell pregnant with ds (now 25 months), we chose to make our home in the area where we grew up and where all our parents, plus two of their new partners, live. And the great grandparents have now moved here too! We both had lovely relationships with our grandparents when we were little, but they lived far away, so we wanted ds to have his close by. They're all 10 minutes away.

By and large, it has worked out brilliantly. My sister has Down syndrome with quite severe learning disabilities, and my mum - being a full-time carer - hasn't been able to hold down even a part-time job with fixed hours for as long as I can remember. So when ds was two months old, we asked if she would like to do about 9-12 hours a week, at times that suited both of us, taking care of ds with me/helping around the house/babysitting so we could have dinner. My sister was able to come too, or ds would go to their house, and so by and large, it's worked out great for Mum; given her the job she so needs for NI/pension purposes, but with a flexibility she couldn't find anywhere else.

My parents' house is like a second home to ds; he's very settled and happy there, which I am so grateful for.

My FIL helps us regularly with our garden, so he sees ds loads, too, and my MIL is very involved (she's the only one around whom I frequently have to take deep breaths and count to 10!).

There are some down sides to them all being so close by/involved. Firstly, with my mum, I feel like I mostly see her in the capacity of childminder now, rather than mother-and-daughter. And there has been a time - though less so now - when she mostly did our housework (especially when ds was small), and despite it being ever so helpful, we felt uncomfortable with the idea of her doing our "dirty work".

Also, because all the grandparents are all so adoring, and in their 50's/60's still, we do tend to ask readily (too much?) if we need/would like some cover. They are our first (and until recently, only) babysitting choice. And I do wonder if my mum would ever actually say no. Hmm ...

We are very lucky, and I wouldn't have it any other way; I don't believe Nature intended child-rearing to be done by a mum and dad alone, since it's so bloody hard! But living so close to the grandparents definitely isn't perfect, and MIL does drive me to distraction enough for me to wish she'd move a very long way away sometimes.

EBAB

maggi · 04/08/2006 00:48

Family spread far and wide eg Africa. But they do help when they visit.

jinglybits · 04/08/2006 00:55

sadly not a lot! ex-dp has scarpered (pre-mid life crisis!) his familys all overseas so no use! my fathers too wierd to involve, my grandparents are in their 80's ( although bless em them they r the only ones offering to have my 2.5yr old! bad idea!) my younger brothers at uni (still!) my older brother can be roped in occassionally although he's a bit flaky and i can't relax if i leave ds with him, especially if they're out and about! my mum got herself a new man just as i had ds so she's been having her 2nd youth and is far too busy to sit for me on a weekend (has done it about 3x a year in the last 2years) so i have no social life..well out of the sandpit! am 27, am losing my looks, years are passing, will be an old spinster!

poopy · 04/08/2006 03:19

I don't have any family around to help but that is my fault as we chose to move to the other side of the world. MIL does live in NZ but is in the South Island and I would never dream of asking her to help.
BUT - I have a fantastic circle of friends who help me out if I am desperate (and I help them out) which is great. This weekend my best friend is having the children from Saturday morning to Sunday night so that DH and I can have some time together before he goes away (he is going away in 4 weeks till xmas, only coming home every 2nd or 3rd weekend). She is so lovely for doing that for us - DH and I haven't had a weekend alone for 6 years ... just us I mean ... (we used to leave DS with my mum when we lived in England for weddings etc) .... I am so looking forward to it

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