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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you have regular, good-quality help with your small children from your family?

64 replies

MrsBadcrumble · 01/08/2006 22:09

Because if you do I am so !

I am at my in-laws'. BIL is here too. DS has had the time of his life, he has never once come to me to ask me to do anything other than get him some food (v reasonable imo ), and MIL and BIL have basically taken care of him all day. Tomorrow DH and I are going out together whilst they look after him and at some point I will have a haircut and not need to think about childcare.

Compare and contrast life with just me and DH, who works full-time. It's bloody knackering, I couldn't possible go to the hairdresser's and shopping for anything is a nightmare. (Hence why I look like a midden. [rueful smile]) There's a relative lack of variety by necessity because there are things to do that ds unfortunately has to deal with - shopping, a bit of cleaning, gardening etc. Every day is, well not a struggle, but doing the simplest of things is harder than perhaps it ought to be.

It struck me today, some of you live near your parents, get on well enough to have them help out a bit...What's it like? Could you imagine not having them there to help you?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Enid · 01/08/2006 22:11

JackieNo · 01/08/2006 22:15

No help here. My mum and the in-laws live too far away to help. I'm very of those who have helpful relatives around.

tortoise · 01/08/2006 22:16

I have no help.Mine parents and my 2 brothers moved to Turkey last year

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WideWebWitch · 01/08/2006 22:17

My dad is dead and my mum is too far away but, thankfully, I have a fantastic ex mil who loves both children (even the one not technically related to her) and she will come if I ask her too, as will ex sil. They're fab.

Nemo1977 · 01/08/2006 22:17

not really here.. dont have much contact with my mum. My sis will visit every couple of weeks but rarely looks after children. PIL quite old and ill so are willing but not so able to look after a 2.9yr old and a 7mth old. My dh works full time and I am 16wks pg and nobody ever offers to take the kids only if I ask which usually means I am desperate.

foundintranslation · 01/08/2006 22:18

no help here either. ILs 600km away and my parents... well.

Katymac · 01/08/2006 22:18

Yes I have lots - but you have to learn to mediate(sp) (ie stop the war being declaered) between various factions)

ie parents feeling dh is lazy Bstrd for only doing washing, cleaning & shopping
DH getting irrate at parents trying to kill DD by smoking in the same room as her

etc

It is fine 98% of the time

Then the other 2% you wish you had never met them

hulababy · 01/08/2006 22:18

We are very lucky. Both sets of parents live in a town closeby - less than an hour away. PILs have looked after DD one day a week, whilst I work, since she was a bayby. This is due to end when she starts school in September, which I know they are sad at, but they will have her some of the time in the holidays. Both sets of parents love to babysit and will even come over just for a couple of hours in an afternoon to give me tiome to go to appointments, etc. And we see them pretty regularly as we get on with them all (even been on holidays with each set).

I can't imagine how hard it must be to not have that hands on support there, so willingly offered. But from reading MN I know that I am lucky in what we have here.

oops · 01/08/2006 22:19

Message withdrawn

Wordsmith · 01/08/2006 22:19

Think it depends on how old they are and how near. My mum lives 10 miles away, we see her regularly (once or twice a week) and DS1 (6) occasionally stays overnight with her. But no way could she cope with both kids or even DS2 (2)for longer than an hour or two on her own. I wouldn't expect her to. She loves my kids but she is 74 and has a full and varied life of her own. My DSs in the last 3 years have gone from having three grandparents to only having one.

Part of me envies friends with younger mums (in their 50's and 60's) who help out regularly, but I know some of them feel pressured by their children to look after the grandchildren 1 or 2 days a week when they'd rather be doing something else, or don't want to be held to a regular arrangement which hinders their own social life, but they say nothing for a quiet life! Personally I think for regular childcare a 'professional' is a better bet, to preseve family relationships.

FrayedKnot · 01/08/2006 22:23

No, they live too far away.

I go to the hairdressers on Saturday, go clothes shopping on my own every so often (Sundays are good).

DS has to accompany me for the rest - he's learning about life imo

olivia35 · 01/08/2006 22:26

Parents other side of the country & a bit hands-off (eg. ds is 2 today - they rang last week to ask me to choose & buy a present on their behalf, as they'd no idea what to get him).

MIL (& SIL when she's in the country) both fantastic. MIL has recently moved near to us - it's unbelievably helpful being able to leave 4 month dd with her (cooing adoringly at one another) & go & do boisterous stuff over the park with ds. OR to have SIL drop in & entertain ds whilst dd & I do the cooing stuff.

I can imagine managing without as their being here is a recent development, but it has made my life SO much easier...just cuts out a lot of the blue-arsed fly stuff of dealing with 2 small children with conflicting needs.

Original poster

MrsBadcrumble · 01/08/2006 22:28

Ah yes, learning about life....
Shame ds doesn't think 'life' is as interesting as 'stuff'
Interesting answers. I'm not sure why I started this thread, I just wanted to know if there are a lot of people who have that kind of help and I've been in a minority, I suppose. But from the replies I can see it's more normal to be doing it as a small unit.
It's hard, isn't it?
One older woman I know has constantly undermined me by pointing out any stress I seem to be under (made a big deal of me not b/f, doesn't understand why I won't let ds run round her death-trap of a house unsupervised, etc). She thinks I am an uptight mother. I'm not. Her experience is of inheriting so many older children when she married her dh that when she had hers, she had a large family to help out. Plus a nanny. I think people don't realise how hard it can get, just you and your child, all day, and then trying to keep your relationship going at weekends.
And bloody hell I've only got one, hats off to any of you with more and no family round to help.

OP posts:

Ponka · 01/08/2006 22:34

My parents are 10 minutes around the corner. My PILs are about 1 hour away. I'm on maternity leave at the moment but before that, my parents used to take DS1 for 1 1/2 days a week while I worked and my MIL used to start driving to us at about 6am every Friday to look after DS, again while I worked. They are all brilliant and there are no arguements or tensions.

It tends to be me knocking back the offers of help, other than my work arrangements. I don't want to take advantage of their generosity and I love being with the boys. I did have a day to myself shopping a few weeks ago but it's the first for years and I still seem to have no time without them to clean the house/shop etc because I'm at work when they are being looked after. I have been up to my parents with the boys rather than leaving them whilst on maternity leave and MIL still comes down most weeks. It's still a lovely break to have another pair of hands.

Do I realise how lucky I am? Oh yes, every day. Would I miss it if they weren't there? Hell yes now I'm used to it but we'd adjust quite quickly. I think what I'd miss most was not actually having them look after the kids (we could use a nursery) but knowing that they are there if I really need them is such comfort. Does that make sense?

FrayedKnot · 01/08/2006 22:42

When I was a kid, we lived no-where near my g'parents and my Mum had no help.

I have very fond memories of our trips to Bejams, and remember my Mum doing the washing with teh twin tub and spin drier - it went on all day.

I even remember watching the test card with my sister becasue children's tv had finished.

We used to think that the girl would move if we watched ehr for long enough.

I think it's OK for kids to be involved in teh mundane every day stuff. And to be bored, and have to go & find something more interesting to do.

Toothyboy · 01/08/2006 22:49

Yep - my mum and MIL (both early 60s) each had ds1 for 1 day a week while I was at work from about 6 months old. I am currently on maternity leave with ds2, and they still have ds1 for his days! He loves it and they love it! He gets to do all sorts of things with them that are really not my thing - gardening, bus and train rides, trips to Hamleys etc!!
Come October when I go back to work, they'll each have both the boys for one day, although ds1 will be doing half days at preschool. They have ds1 overnight probably once every other month each; my mum had both boys overnight for the first time last weekend.

I really appreciate their help and love the fact that my sons have the opportunity to build such good relationships with their grandparents (both grandads are there as well!) I could not imagine not having them around to help out. All our lives would be much emptier without them.

MissyCocker · 01/08/2006 22:56

My PIL have my eldest 2 twice a week for the afternoon, I spend ages imagining all the cleaning/ shopping / lazing around I'll do when they're gone, and then spend the afternoon wandering round aimlessly because I miss having them around

heiferjamese · 02/08/2006 08:40

Unfortunately not. both our parents have passed away.

It is a huge shame as my mum only lived 4 doors away (I moved to be near her just before we found out that she had cancer)...

My mum would have been a huge part of DD life. As both my parents were with my nephews (who are aged 21 - 8)...

My mum really helped out until DD was 1 then she got ill and couldn't help out after that.

My Mother in law lived 3 hrs and was much older but unfortunately she died before DD was born.

We did have some help from my brother and sister in law, but to be honest not happy with things they did so have stopped this arrangement.

This leaves us with no one to help or babysit....

We are actually thinking of moving to be near DH brothers family so I know that they will help out if needed...

Twiglett · 02/08/2006 08:43

no I don't .. that's why I have friends and we swap kids .. try it ..

there are many benefits

kids play with kids their own ages
big community feel
kids are used to running in and out of other houses in the neighbourhood
you get total time off when yours are with other families
you get so close to other parents it feels like extended family
you have a social life too

fennel · 02/08/2006 08:43

None from DP's parents who do live nearby. from my parents live 200 miles so are keen but no they don't do much.

do get a lot of help from Dsis and her DP but they have 2 small children so we have to reciprocate. so it's very useful but doesn't exactly lighten the childcare load, just shifts it around so often we have extra children, and other times fewer.

juuule · 02/08/2006 08:57

No help here.

dmo · 02/08/2006 08:57

dont have any help from family with my boys aged 9 and 10
nobody babysits etc, we go out a lot for meals, cinema etc with boys in tag
i'm a childminder and am forever looking after peoples children (unpaid) as i love helping out
sister had baby 4 mths ago (sister only 17) baby has cp due to not breating when born, i look after my niece lots have babysat so sister and boyfriend can go out, have taken niece to town to give sister time to sleep, hopefully i am a help to her cause i know how hard it is

Chandra · 02/08/2006 09:09

Family half world away, so no, no day to day help, however, even when we visit, my mum has always been very clear that she is not a childminder (her words) and that she will not take care of DS for more than 3 hrs at a time (normally once DS has gone to bed), and when she does she always make you aware that she is doing a HUGE favour for you.

When she is visiting us it's exactly the same, as a treat she offers to take care of DS one night (ONE of 2 weeks she normally stays) for us to go out to dinner, but as she always wants to go out, several times a day, I feel as 24/7 tour guide, so the two weeks pass with my mum in tow all the time and the dinner for two never materialise.

HuwEdwards · 02/08/2006 09:19

nope. None.

KTeePee · 02/08/2006 09:25

No help here either - but luckily I have several friends/neighbours in a similar position and we help each other out when we can. DS2 is starting playgroup in September 2 mornings per week - I am SO looking forward to being able to book hairdressers/dentists appointments without waiting until my mother/sister is visiting from abroad

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