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Original poster

No presents at birthday party - is it OK?

22 replies

Kiwikiss1 · 31/01/2014 14:42

DS 3rd birthday is coming up and although I want to give him a party I really do not want anymore toys etc. Our house is getting overrun with toys/puzzles/games and both DS play with around 10% of what they have already. Would it be considered rude if I asked people on the invitation not to by presents but to make a donation to a children's charity if they would like to? I have no problem buying presents for my friend's children but with two children now I feel that the amount of stuff they have accumulated in the last three years is getting a bit crazy. I am from New Zealand so I am a bit paranoid about making a social blunder and offending my lovely British friends:-).

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Chocotrekkie · 31/01/2014 14:48

I like the idea but would your ds be "expecting" presents ? If he is the youngest has he seen his sibling getting loads after a party ?

As an invitee I would say that especially at this time of year I have a big bag of party presents for the year bought cheap in the sales - so bought for like £3 but was originally £10+.

To ask for a donation I would feel that I had to give £10 where as the present I gave would only have cost me something like £3.

Can't you just "regift" the presents he gets - just put the name of the person who gave it and make sure you give it to someone else !

AbiRoad · 31/01/2014 14:55

My friend does this and it has never been an issue so far as she is aware. Both of her DC sponsor a child in Africa with a birthday on or around the same date so she asks for donations to them if people want to give something (but no obligation etc). They tend to still get presents from a couple of their best friends (plus family), so dont think they feel they are really missing out, plus they sponsor the child so feels personal. Plus friend did not start doing this until DC were old enough to understand.

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Kiwikiss1 · 31/01/2014 14:59

Thank you Chocotrekkie, I see what you mean. DS is the oldest and at 3 years I do not think he would be too bothered about presents, the promise of cake is enough to keep him excited lol. As far as the donation, I was thinking of just suggesting the name of three charities on the invitation and I would have no idea how much people had given. It would be a suggestion only, they can choose to give nothing. I just thought it might be a way of stopping people feeling uncomfortable about me buying their children gifts. Perhaps I am making it too hard?

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LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 31/01/2014 15:03

I think it's a great idea, but I wouldn't suggest giving to a charity - that would make people feel more obliged/awkward.
Parents will be relieved not to have to buy presents.
Don't know how long you'll get away with it though, as kids love getting presents - or will do soon!

Ragwort · 31/01/2014 15:05

I also agree it is a great idea, I loved organising great big parties for my child (village hall type - not expensive ) but hated the amount of gifts he received, it was embarassing and he hardly played with any of them anyway.

However you will get mixed views on mumsnet about whether it is the right 'etiquette' or not to state 'no presents'.

Flowerpup · 31/01/2014 15:08

It's a tough one as much as you say they don't have to donate as you are just suggesting, people would feel obliged like you may check that they had. Could you not accept the gifts and spread throughout year or regift a few as someone also suggested? Or sell a few a donate the money yourself. My son has way too many toys and hardly plays with them but most have been presents from family so I know how you feel, it must be as they approach 3 that it all has mounted up. People also do like children giving gifts to other children as it teaches them too!

HelenHen · 02/02/2014 09:15

It doesn't really matter at the end of the day! It would be really silly for people to get offended about that! Don't get a load of gifts you don't need for fear of offending people... Although I guess you could give unwanted gifts to charity shops?

Meglet · 02/02/2014 11:32

I think it's fine to pop 'no presents please' on an invite. I did the same at DD's 5th birthday party, at least it meant that people who insisisted on bringing a gift just bought something small.

lljkk · 02/02/2014 11:39

People will bring presents anyway. Then the people who didn't bring presents will feel guilty. Your child will be confused, their children will feel confused. Presents-as-usual is less stress I suspect.

PlainBrownEnvelope · 02/02/2014 11:40

Writing 'no gifts please' is perfectly fine. Suggesting a charitable donation not okay unless people approach you and say ' no presents? Really? But I insist!'

panedd · 02/02/2014 12:02

If you children only play with 10% of their toys why are you keeping the rest? It isn't your children's fault you haven't got rid of clutter.
I feel rude as a guest giving nothing, my Mum always said never be an empty handed guest.
If no presents are asked for at a child's party I give sweets, colouring things or a ticket for soft play or similar so that it isn't something to keep because I can't help but think if I asked the child if they wanted a present they would say yes.

Curlygirly · 02/02/2014 13:23

Maybe you can donate suitable presents to your local children's hospital?

Eletheomel · 02/02/2014 13:53

I don't have a problem with the no presents thing at all, and I can't believe parents who attend a party with 'no presents' specified on the invite would be so rude as to bring one (to what end? make themselves feel superior? make other parents feel inadequate?).

I've never received a 'no invite' invitation but would be over the moon to get one - save us having to nip out and buy a present for a child that we don't really know and who probably either has the same thing or else isn't interested in it (last party my son attended I'd phoned his mum for present suggestions and all I got was 'anything thomas the tank related' - given that there is only so much thomas tat out there I feel fairly sure that our gift was probably a duplicate).

I wouldn't suggest a charity donation though, some people might dislike the charities you chose or they might resent feeling forced to donate (not really the idea behind charitable donations!). They might not get the fact that you're only making that suggestion in case someone feels compelled to buy a present.

Eletheomel · 02/02/2014 13:54

oops I meant 'no present' invite, not a 'no invite' invite - doh!

Impatientismymiddlename · 02/02/2014 14:01

Let people bring presents and then donate them to the local children's hospital.

zipzap · 02/02/2014 20:16

Previously on mumsnet people have said they're taking a piggy bank and ask for a coin to feed the piggy bank if they want to give a present - albeit phrased much better. But it means the maximum contribution needed is a couple of pounds but could be nothing. And then it could be used for one toy afterwards and the rest saved.

Means that people can give something if they want but by asking for a coin you're not asking for much. Seems to be a nice compromise...

WipsGlitter · 02/02/2014 20:27

Someone my sister know did this and the other mums were very arsey about it, I think they felt it was maybe setting a precedent or making them look bad for not doing the same thing.

When a friend did it someone pointed out it wasn't about her, it was about her daughter and was it "fair" on her daughter because it was her preference.

Pitmountainpony · 02/02/2014 20:38

I am in the US and it is quite normal to say no gifts on invites but you just do not ask the charity bit as I think that is tricky....people only spend maybe 5 quid on a present but feel tight making such a small donation to a charity. You could just gift the gifts you get to a local hospital.

blueblackdye · 02/02/2014 20:46

I love the idea of the piggy bank when children are a bit older, 6yo maybe, when counting and paying start to make sense. A coin is great, nobody needs to know who put what.
DS is now 5, previous years' birthdays, I kept the presents and gave them one by one throughout the following year. But this year, he remembered exactly what he received and we agreed him could choose one toy per month and give one to charity simultaneously.
Would it be rude to suggest that guests could get together and buy something bigger ? Instead of lots of different toys, the bday child gets a doll's house with furniture or a complete fire station ? Sorry if I hurt anyone's feeling, I'm not from the UK.

Bedsheets4knickers · 02/02/2014 20:51

It's a lovely idea, so lovely I'm going to do that myself from now on. Mine get plenty from us and family. and when they are old enough to ask why il say because you have all to you need and other boys and girls have very little. Hopefully they'll feel the same. Great idea x

PurplePidjin · 02/02/2014 21:12

Ds and a little pal had a joint 1st birthday as we share most of our friendship group with the other set of parents iyswim. We hired the Church hall and asked people to bring a toy to share instead of a present. It worked really well - some people chose to bring a present, but no one felt obliged and the dc all had something new to play with as well as lots of space to roll/crawl/toddle/run around in (age range 8 months to 8)

I also make a point of suggesting that family choose certain things - books, nice clothes, wellies, duplo - that i know ds needs or would enjoy. Maybe that's just how our families work though? Sil manages the tat mountain associated with her older 2 that way and I'm only ever pleased to be getting something that'll be appreciated :)

GiveTwoSheets · 02/02/2014 21:13

I think its a great idea, had first party invite Tdy and i put money in card instead of buying random shit present. My sis who has been thru this with 6kids prefers money than tatt even better the no gifts

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