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Parenting

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Original poster

help with my behaviour

19 replies

Incognito100 · 01/08/2006 20:39

I have dd 2.1 and dd 5 weeks. Oldest dd is coping really well with new baby except when tired, hungry etc. Twice now I have reacted physically and instinctively to older dd hurting little dd (she doesn't know she is really hurting her - or is only doing it to wind me up). Once I tapped her hard on the shoulder but today I picked her up and shook her (one shake) because she was kicking the baby. It was quite gentle (the shake), but scared the hell out of both of us. It was completely instinctive and I don't think I could have stopped myself. Now am terrified I will actually hurt her without being able to stop if she does something to the baby. I have never raised a hand to anyone in my life until this and am finding it really frightening. Please advise.

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KRat · 01/08/2006 20:41

Poor you

How do you get on with your HV? If you have a good relationship, could you speak to her about it?

Are you getting any support from anybody with looking after DD1 for a bit to give you a break?

Don't feel bad, you've acknowledged that something is wrong and want to do something about it. Well done xxx

sorry can't be more help

hairymclary · 01/08/2006 20:43

why don't you just make sure you supervise her carefully with the baby. teach her how to be gentle and reinforce that she mustn't kick her or anything like that.
If you aren't close enough to stop her then make sure she can't reach the baby

Ags · 01/08/2006 21:03

Firstly, congratulations. 5 weeks old!

Unfortunately, it seems such a normal thing for elder siblings (particularily your dd's age) to flex their muscles. I have many friends with children with your age gap and the stories are very similar. It is also understandable that you want to protect your little one from any perceived attack.

However, it does appear from your post that your reaction to your elder dd is completely out of charactar and I agree with KRat that you should speak to your HV about how you could handle things in a way which feels more comfortable for you and your dd.

How do you feel other than in these situations and what sort of support do you have on a day to day basis? Having had my dd in Feb with a 2.5 year old ds already, I know that things can be tough especially in the early stages and hope that you have people around you that can help.

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cane · 01/08/2006 21:15

hairymclary - DD1 is very bright and knows (has been taught) to be very gentle with dd2. She just, like every child, gets a little forceful when she's tired and wants attention! I'm not worried about dd1. I'm worried about me! Thanks, KRat and and Ags - I would worry that talking to health visitor may cause problems with social services - me coming from a 'nice, very middle class' family in an affulent area. Have lot of support from family and friends, in fact, today I had my mum with me all day, so no reason at all to be on a short fuse...just...well...reacted.

hairymclary · 01/08/2006 21:20

oh yes, I realise that it's your behaviour you wanted help with. But I was thinking along the lines of that if you could prevent dd1's behaviour then you in turn wouldn't get so angry at her iyswim?
If the baby is out of reach then dd1 won't be able to hurt her

orangegiraffe · 01/08/2006 21:21

If you spoke to HV, they would be obliged to contact social services, I think that you have recognised something is wrong, talk to Gp about PND.
Good luck x

Original poster

Incognito100 · 01/08/2006 21:25

sorry if I seemed a little short hairymclary - just messy at the moment! How can you keep the two apart when you are by yourself? Serious question - how do you give the big one a bath when the little one is crying?

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Ags · 01/08/2006 21:29

Totally understand why you might be wary of HV. I know I was very 'up' always with my HV when I met her after the birth and haven't seen her since! I just mentioned it because I was a bit concerned in case you didn't have much other support but sounds like you have loads which is great.

My ds is completely oblivious to my dd and until recently didn't like touching her so I have not had to deal with what you are going through but I have 'reacted' in a similar way to my ds for other things that he has done.

I noticed that after my dd was born, I was more tense (probably due to feelings of increased responsibility and tiredness and hormones) which made me react in unusual ways to ds and dh! This has completely evened out again and neither myself or ds had any long lasting damage (I hope!).

hairymclary · 01/08/2006 21:33

I don't know what kind of set up you have at home, but we had a little crib that I used to bring downstairs for ds to go in while he was quiet/asleep. If you had somethin like that then dd2 could go in there and be safe from dd1.
Or you could try having dd2 in a sling if she is crying and you need to deal with dd1's bathtime or whatever.

I should have said before, I think it's probably worthwhile talking to your HV as well and I am 100% sure that it won't be looked on as a "she can't look after the kids" type thing. But if you can limit the opportunities for things to happen then it may help too

LemonTart · 01/08/2006 21:36

Congrats on your new baby xx
I have two DDs and DD1 was 2.6 when DD2 arrived. I remember being terrified of her hurting DD2 and totally understand your instinctive response. I remember shouting at DD1 so loudly that she wet herself I cried and drove down to my mums to "protect" DD1 from my anger! I was in a bleak place and hated the fact that I never enjoyed DD1 playing with DD2 as I was on pins waiting to jump in and push her out of the way.
As my DH was around, I found it easier to keep an eye on them. I used to take DD2 into the bathroom with me even for a quick wee, so that she was "safe" from DD1. I found that the way out of it all was to involve DD1 in as much as possible - handing over the nappy at change time, choose the baby clothes in the morning, always sitting down when DD2 was on the floor and no running rule when baby was on the ground etc etc
Slowly you will find you and DD1 will find a balance where she understands what she can and can?t do, you will learn how much to trust her and when to intervene etc. Build a few basic ground rules and explain them - like no fingers near baby?s face - while also letting DD1 feel involved and happy. It will get better. I bet you are feeling tired as well - always exaggerates anyone?s worries and concerns.
If you think that your worries are really consuming you and getting out of hand rather than slowly easing off, talk to someone in rl - hv, friend, whoever to try and get it back into perspective.
You only feel like this because you care xxx

Original poster

Incognito100 · 01/08/2006 21:37

Ags - have you - has anyone - been 'gently violent' in protecting one child from another, or in punishment? like i said, this has only happened twice, and realistically was more scary than painful on both occasions - and scared me more than her, i think! but is it normal? do i need help or does everyone do this at some point?

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Ags · 01/08/2006 21:44

Yes I have. I have shaken my son and have tapped him on the hand and on the knee. And like you have been horrified afterwards. Many of my friends ('nice, very middle class' families in an affulent area) have too. As far as I am aware, it is 'normal'. Not good, perhaps, but normal and understandable.

Original poster

Incognito100 · 01/08/2006 21:50

thanks lemontart. Thanks everyone. think i am going to sit in a dark room for while!! Don't think i deserve a glass of wine tonight.

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Rbotty · 01/08/2006 21:52

Hello I have 2 year old son and 3 month old daugher and son is still spiteful to her sometimes. I have smacked his hand and shouted at him. It is very stressfull somedays and normal to lose your temper. When he plays up I put him out in the hallway for 2 minutes and when he comes back he is usually better.

Original poster

Incognito100 · 01/08/2006 21:52

and thank you Ags - very honest answer. I don't feel like quite the monster i have been now - although i do still feel like a monster!

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Xavielli · 01/08/2006 21:58

I know what you mean. When DD was about the same age as your tiny one DS was stroking her and then he tried to give her a High Five and hit her in the face! I will never forget what I did next... I pushed him to get out of the way but the part of him my hand connected with was his face! It wasnt like a slap or anything, I was just trying to get him away from her. I am not proud of it but I realise that it was just instinct. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Resolve not to do it again. If you feel yourself boiling just put the baby in a safe place and have 5 mins to yourself. Dd is now 16 weeks and I have not had a repeat performance of any kind.

HTH... You're not alone.

Ags · 01/08/2006 22:02

You do deserve a glass of wine. Best not to deprive yourself on days like these!! Go, enjoy and torture thyself no more!!

Dunnyjo · 02/08/2006 07:54

God i can totally relate to this. I have the exact same problem with ds1 2.6 and little baby. i tend to put ds1 out in the hall way too and he usually calms down, then he says sorry to the baby when he comes back. However i just have to take each day as it comes. I put ds2 in the bed room when asleep during the day. I put a stair gate up so when i need to toilet or need to do stuff in the kitchen i close the gate taking ds1 with me. It is a constant battle even when i have ds2 in my arms feeding is sometimes a nightmare. I get books out for him when i have to feed now or put the telly on. Anything to make him busy for a bit.
I have found a routine now, so when i get up i give ds1 his breakfast, feed baby, put baby up the stairs for sleep. Spend time with ds and on mn of course
Sorry to rattle on but just let you know it is v. difficult and some days are terrible but my MIL has him for a couple of hrs for 2 days a week. I am trying to have more 1:1 with ds.
Sending ((((((hugs)))))

MaryP0p1 · 02/08/2006 08:06

Get a playpen for the body, so baby is out of reach, preventing the problem. She's too young to understand and will forget as quickly as you have told her. A playpen for the baby will put out of harms way. Plus when she moving about allow older child the freedom to play outside which she will lose as soon as your second starts moving.

Give yourself a break your tired have 2 small children have just given birth and are full of hormones. Try and find ways in which you can avoid the problems at 2.1 she really is very small to understand consequences.

Do you go to toddler groups, they are a great way to have someone help with the baby so you can give undivided attention to your oldest.

Good luck.

BTW seen your bath question. Leave baby to cry and deal with older one I'm afraid. With 2 children sometimes they have to wait regardless of their age.

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