Parental guilt and new baby's arrival

[spritesoright]

I am two weeks away from arrival of second child and can't help feeling a little guilty that DD might feel pushed out. We just bought her a new single bed so we could get the cot back and she's excited but hasn't yet realised that the baby will be taking her old bed eventually. I feel like I've tricked her.
I just felt sad folding all her newborn clothes because she is not my baby anymore and I'm worried about 'replacing' her. I remember when she was tiny I was so stressed and tired that my temper would fray and I'm worried I'll take this out on DD who, at 2.4 is delightful but also feisty and pushing boundaries.

On the one hand I can't imagine loving another baby as much as I love DD but on the other hand I know how all consuming that initial love is when they're so tiny and vulnerable and maybe I'll resent DD demanding my attention.
Just wondering if your feelings about your first child changed when the second one came along?

my DS1 was 2.4 when i had DTs. he loves them and has done from day one. he loved sitting with them, showing them his toys, fetching nappies and wipes etc. when i fed them i always made sure he had a cup of milk too.

the heart has a never ending capacity for love, you will just make room to love both your children, it will be a non-issue i promise.

i also tried to remember that if my eldest really needed me he should take priority. the baby can be put down safely for a few minutes to deal with DS1.

try and involve your DD as much as you can and make her feel important. big up everything she does 'what a clever big sister you are!' etc. especially if she starts regressing with eating/sleeping/toileting etc, always say how she is a big girl and she needs to teach the baby how to do things.

yes some days you will snap at DD because you are tired and stressed but she wont be permanently scarred. and try if you can to have some quiet time wth your DD when baby is sleeping etc doing big girl things (duplo, painting etc).

good luck!

Thanks Queen, that's good advice for helping DD adjust. You didn't feel any differently about DS when DTs were born?
I listened to this programme where a woman admitted that she really resented her older daughter when new baby arrived as the older one would have tantrums, be deliberately noisy, etc. It worried me.
I already find my patience tried with DD at times.

The first time you'll see dc1 kissing or cuddling dc2, your heart will melt. You'll realise you haven't replaced dc1 but given her the best gift ever - a sibling she'll love forever.

I did feel different in a way, because DS developed a new dimension to himself, he was now a big brother and as flyaway says, when he came running into the hospital room to coo over them and wanted to give them cuddles it was amazing. BUt no i didnt resent him in anyway. of course there were bad days but usually i found that when i thought about it, if DS was being particularly demanding it was because i hadnt given him enough attention.

the DTs didnt get to nap in arms like DS did as i felt it was important that DS had that quality time with me and it made a huge difference to him, when he started acting up i could say 'just wait until they sleep and then we will do jigsaws/read books/do painting' etc.

Of course your DD is going to appear to act up, i doubt she really is, it just feels like it to you as you now have to split your time 2 ways, but she will adjust and you will too.

Also remember that a newborn is very portable - so as soon as you are up for it get out to do the things you used to do with DD (park, soft play etc) as once the baby is more like 6/9 months this gets harder as they are crawling and wanting to be independant too and their needs are very different.

you will be fine.

I have a 3mo and a 3yo so have just been through this. I think it's important to involve the older child as much as possible with the baby and to try not to expect too much from them. I've certainly been guilty of almost forgetting that DS is really still a baby too - just because he's bigger he doesn't need me any less!

As others have said, the love thing is a non-issue - it's amazing how you think that you can't possibly have enough love for another child then suddenly there's DC2 and you realise that you do somehow!

Agree with everything everyone has said above but amusingly I was utterly astounded how big my DD1 was when I got home from hospital. I had honestly not idea that her legs had got that long and that she fit so well into her toddler bed.

I was only gone for 2 days so she can't have grown I just hadn't realised what a lovely grown up girl she had become. She was 3 yrs when DD2 came along and after 8 weeks it was rocky to start with but it has already got so much better and has been really good for DD1. She is really enjoying being treated more grown up and perhaps I should have started before!

Those are reassuring. My mum also said that I seemed huge when she got back from hospital with my sister.
I took DD to buy a new outfit for the baby today and she was really excited telling the cashier that it was "for my baby sister". So sweet.

Think I will have to get a gift for DD too from the baby.

Yes definitely get your DD a gift from the baby. I'm sure my DS' love for DD is at least partly down to the present "she" got him when she was born!

Totally agree with others. My feelings for DS1 have only deepened as I watch him learn how to be a big brother. And DS2 is just adored by all of us.

Sometimes - like tonight - I do get a flash of irritation when poor old 10mo DS2 is super hungry and desperate after nursery and DS1 is busy trying to walk on my toes and whinging endlessly despite me asking him nicely to let me feed the baby and eat his own dinner. But then an hour later, he was teaching his little brother how to be an intrepid explorer "looking for spiders" with a magnifying glass and DS2 was whooping with joy. I thought how wonderful and generous DS1 was with his little brother then. So the good totally outweighs the bad.

I never, never feel guilty for DS1 that he has a sibling. Yes, sometimes his baby brother annoys him. Sometimes they both exasperate me. But mainly they are a brilliant team and they adore each other. Or, as DS1 says in a very serious voice that breaks my heart: "Mummy, this is our family". And then it is all ok.

I remember feeling exactly the same, Spritesoright, when I was pregnant for the second time, and worried about it a lot. How on earth could I possibly love another child as much as I love my first? But of course, love is limitless and you do love all your children equally. Just try, when you can, to make sure you involve your first child in the care of your new baby.

When feeding your newbie, read a story to the older child at the same time, making sure he/she has a drink and snack and you're all settled down together. When doing something as simple as changing a nappy, maybe get your older child to help somehow, like get the wipes, clean nappy, lots of praise etc, then he/she will feel helpful. The older child will only "act up" if they feel neglected. It may be hard at first, to make sure you concentrate on both or all of the children, but it will become part of the routine. And when new baby is asleep, set aside some time to do an activity with your toddler, a jigsaw maybe, or just playing with construction toys. Even if you feel the need to do some cleaning, just wrap her feet in dusters and get her to skate up and down the hall. That way you're keeping her entertained, she feels important, is having fun, and you're getting some housework done too!!! (You probably know all this already)

I can honestly say I never had any problems with jealousy or resentment with my daughter towards her new brother.
Please don't feel afraid that you won't love your new baby as much as your toddler, you undoubtedly will. Personally, my feelings about my first child did not change when the second arrived.
My children are now teenagers and young adults - NOW they moan about who is loved most (Depending on who thinks the other has had more money spent on them) Sigh

These are lovely stories about sibling bonding, very sweet.
I was 18 months older than my dsis and I don't remember any resentment, she was my best friend.
DD did burst into tears today when she realised I was moving the baby's clothes in to her old dresser, but she got over it with some cuddles and helped me in the end.
Thanks again for the reassurances.