Parents of tantruming older kids (dd 5yr), any tips?

[goosey123]

Just wondering if anyone has any wisdom or tips or sympathy...

DD1 age 5, (year 1), always been feisty, was a regular (daily) tantruming toddler. Had calmed, but has bad patches, and recently she is so angry, she had about 4 tantrums last week, and an almighty one tonight. Think its tiredness.

I am so split as to how to approach the tantrums. It is hard to eliminate the cause, as I know year 1 is tiring, and there's not much that can be done about that, she is a good sleeper and has a good routine.

I have always been quite firm with her tantrums, and as soon as it starts, if there is no chance of stopping it, she is removed from wherever she is, these days to her bedroom. At the moment she gets a reward if she can go for a set period without the meltdown. So after todays meltdown, her treat that she is working towards and which was due sunday, is delayed.

But I also feel so sorry for her, it is like she really cannot control herself. Can I teach her how to? I tell her to thump pillows, write angry notes to me, and try to get words out of her to express the anger. But when she is in the moment she cannot do any of these things and screams, shouts , hits me... Removing her or telling her off is like pouring petrol onto the fire, but I do it, because I do feel she needs to know she can't be like it.

I guess I wondered if anyone did anything that cracked this? I think I know I have to just ride it out, and get to the bottom of why she does it, but if anyone has managed to train an older child to channel their anger in a better way, and it actually worked, I would love to hear! (she is as good as gold at school and for everyone else other than her dear parents..)

Snap! I have no answers, as we are working through this with feisty, determined DS2. I love that he is both feisty and determined, but dearly wish that he didn't display these qualities in such full effect at bedtime. It's such bloody hard work.

I am deploying big, sticky star to be awarded for a great bedtime (no hitting, no rampaging, no waking brother up, etc) in order to get a treat on Sunday. Three stars required to get treat. We don't use reward charts, as the DSs aren't that interested in them, so it's a different approach for us. I'm really interested in the replies you get.

My Ds, 5 has similar I find if I can catch a tantrum early a bit of humor or distraction can diffuse it sometimes I.e 'remembering something you meant to tell them. Once in a tantrum I think kids that age can't control themselves and it's scary for them, intervening makes it worse. I tend to acknowledge their feelings, you're so angry I put the tv off... Make sure he can't do anything that I'd have to give consequences for, in our house that's breaking thinks and hurting people I.e move myself and stuff I know he'll try to break, his glasses! Then as hes calming but still angry suggest a better way to get rid of horrid angree feelings, stomping jumps, run on spot we do make really angry face and squeeze fists. Then once over reconnect with cuddles and talk about a what he could do diff.next time along with sympathetic consequences, I.e I'm really sorry but because you had a tantrum over the tv going off we.re not going to have it on after tea. Which sometimes makes him start another tantrum which I can then alert him to to help him recognise the out of control angry feeling and that time he can usually stop himself, cute lots of praise for not letting angry feelings make him naughty. I want 're to learn to recognise, identify and cope with emotion. Of course sometimes I'm not feeling so patient and calm and try to carry him screaming to the hall for time out which leaves us both feeling stressed and traumatized!:-( the calmer approach definitely decreases the length and frequency of tantrums here, it works for his personality type, emotionally aware but feels things deeply, generally eager to please and a bit anxious and prone to lash out at me to make me know how angry he is! Hope you find a way that works for you.

Should say that now sometimes he'll make fists grit teeth in an angry face and say' I'm sopop angry with you mummy for.... Not letting me stay up till midnight eat sweets before tea, brush my teeth etc so it does seem to have an effect here.

My DD3 (7) still has mega tantrums and there's no averting them or distracting her or talking about it afterwards (because she won't, not because I don't try). Rewards don't work either. She's often aggressive and destructive and very nasty.

After really losing it with her on Sunday evening (I screamed at her and manhandled her to her room but I could honestly have really hurt her ) I've gone zero tolerance on any bad behaviour this week. She's not had her regular Friday treat today, she's been to bed early 3 nights this week, I've said no when she's been invited to play next door and no to an invite to go roller skating tomorrow. It seems to be having an effect.....

thanks, it's interesting to read what others do, Cosmo,

oops, wrong button! good to read your strategies cosmos. It's hard to get the balance between being firm and being supportive. Now she is so big, it feels much worse physically lifting her to isolate her, one of us will get hurt. and being too firm just fuels her into a worse rage. I think I will try to support her more during the actual meltdown, but follow through on some consequences after. She is a very over emotional little thing. Wonder where she gets that from?!