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Parenting

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Original poster

When is it time to call in the social services

29 replies

Dragonhart · 31/07/2006 22:14

A close family member is a single parent with a 2 1/2 year old boy. She has always been a bit off the rails and has had quite afew problems with various men. We have known that she had a problem with drinking for a while but only realised just how bad it was when she came to stay for a week with other family members (it was my DS's first birthday and they live about 270 miles away). She was suddenly really chatty one night and I suspected she had had a drink. Same happened afew times and her mum was looking for some things for her son and found vodka hidden in her case. She kept poping up to her room and coming down smelling of alchohol. Just worryed as if this is normal then she drives her son all the time and I presume that this means she is drinkdriving with him. She was banned 3 years ago for drink driving but presumed that she would not do it as she had her son in the car but now I am not sure. While she was here she really lost it with her son and smacked him really hard (I would say she hit him actually in the chest and he bawled for ages). Also heard her hit him in another room when he was not doing as she said and then when he cried she came out saying he had hit his head. So worried about her son and his safty (she leaved him with whoever can take him if she wants to go out) and has stolen alchohol and money from her mum and dad when they have been away. Sure he is not safe but not sure what we can do. She is very good at hiding it and doesn't think she has a problem so if anyone came to see her, would they just leave thinking everything was ok? She has had social service visits before and has convinced them everything was fine (think one of her neighbours reported her) Don't want him to be taken into care but when do you step in? Should we wait until something happens or could this be too late for him? Anyones experiences would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Elf1981 · 31/07/2006 22:19

Has anybody spoken to the girl? Asked if anything is a matter / explain what has been seen, that you're concerned / want to help?

soapbox · 31/07/2006 22:22

I think that one of the family should have the little boy while she gets some help to quit her alcohol problem.

Surely the family would not see a 2.5yo taken into care?

psychomum5 · 31/07/2006 22:23

you say she may also be driving under alcohol too????

sorry, but (ignoring the out of order beating she is doing to her son already) what if she is, and has a crash, and she survives but her son is killed???? You will really wish you had called them after all!!!!!

I hate to say this, but if what you say is true, then I wouldn't hesitate. His safety is paramount, not your feelings of guilt for speaking out. They will support her surely if that is the right thing to do, or, if also right, take him into care while getting her stronger help.

I realise it is hard to know the right thing, but childrens safety has got to be top......

HTH,

FanjoFanjoWhosGotTheFanjo · 31/07/2006 22:25

I second the suggestion that maybe someone in the family could take care of the kid?

The problem is, unless she agrees she needs help, any alcohol treatment type program won't work. So I fear you'll end up going via social services, no matter what you do.

I don't know how much other family members have the right to custody in these sorts of circumstances.

I would start by confronting her, and trying to get her to live with family or share care with family, and then if that didn't work, go to social services.

airy · 31/07/2006 22:29

echo what psycho said, you have to step in and call them. If she's had ss in before they will be aware of her. If she has managed to convince them that nothing was wrong then you need to tell them when you call how good she is at hiding the problems.
They may be able to keep an eye on the situation?
In the meantime I would definitely try and chat to her, try and coax out of her any probs she may be having. Don't confront her, she will just get defensive. But there may be something yo ucan do to help her get herself together.

Good luck

Original poster

Dragonhart · 31/07/2006 23:10

She is our family so it would be up to her mum and dad (who are 67 and 76) or us who live far away. Worried about spliting the family up when we have only seen her for a week and judged her, live so far away and the drinkdriving is an asumption. Dont want to go straight to ss but so worried about her son. What if we have judged her unfairly?

OP posts:

FanjoFanjoWhosGotTheFanjo · 01/08/2006 08:28

If she's drinking and hitting him on the head, while she's visiting you, and presumably on best behaviour, what's she's like the rest of the time?

I would go to social services. If she gets help now, this little boy could have a normal life, hopefully with his mum. But if she gets no help, well, his life is really really going to suck.

I'm probably overly bothered by this, as I have two nieces who were raised in circumstances a bit like what this little boy has now. Probably they had it a bit worse, who knows? One ODed at 16, after being a teen prostitute, the other's life is ok, I think, but not great (not still speaking to my bit of the family).

Callisto · 01/08/2006 09:27

I can't think of any reason to hit a child, especially one so young. Poor little mite. I think everyone else is right and you need to get SS involved despite the guilt issues. The child is the most important person in this situation. I don't envy you Dragonhart, but good luck.

Overrun · 01/08/2006 09:27

SSD would always try and place with famiy members as opposed to care if they can, and that's if it got to that point. I would say that you really should make the call, and then stress that you want to be involved as a family.
The risks do seem to be extremely high on many levels, particularly as some one else said, she was prob on best behaviour when she was with you.
When you talk to SSD, if you do, try and speak to the person who assessed her last time, they should be able to look that up on the computer, otherwise they will have some form of duty system. Give clear examples of concerns.

Callisto · 01/08/2006 09:29

I also think it would be better to judge too harshly than do nothing.

Original poster

Dragonhart · 01/08/2006 11:29

Does anyone know what the process is? Been looking on web pages such as NSPCC and AA website but just finding info about what impact it is having on him rather than advice as to what the next step would be. DH thought that he should write a letter to her and get her mum and dad to do the same telling her that we are worried about her and why and see if we could get her to get some help. Previous attempts have lead to her getting angry and defensive and have not worked.

OP posts:

Callisto · 01/08/2006 11:49

I don't know what the process is but I am sure plenty of people on MN do and will be able to advise. As for letter writing, well my gut instinct is to say either go see her and tell her face to face how worried you are (to the extent of involving SS) and that she must do something or else, or get in touch with SS incognito, who I am sure will be very discreet if you need them to be. I do think that you, dp and in laws need a defintite strategy that you stick with. You need to be a united front especially if you take on the child.

heavenis · 01/08/2006 11:57

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if I repaet anything. If SS did get involved they would look to see if family members would be able to look after the child first.
I think talking to her first and not sending letters would be better.

tiredemma · 01/08/2006 11:59

i had a similar incident last year with a relative, but this involved drugs ( it was a family member)

I agonised over whether to speak to SS, came on here and asked for advice, eventually decided to speak to a Child Protection officer at the NSPCC - discussed my concerns and on thier advice, decided to contact SS, this family member was known to SS, I found them very helpful.

SS did take my name, but assured me that they wouldnt relay this info to family member, but did say that they cant just do "spot checks" - if they visit someone, they have to have credible info of why they were visiting- ie they would say that they had info that the child had been hit and they were worried about drinking.
This concerned me the most as the info i provided could have only came from me and one other family member, I have never been sussed out, although my respect for SS has gone, the child in question is still living in the same house, in the same situation, i realise that sometimes removing a child is a last resort but the way that this child lives is nothing short of primitive.

Hope you all get the help you need x

Original poster

Dragonhart · 01/08/2006 13:41

We thought about writting a letter as talking to her and even threatening her has had no effect in the past. When I wrote the post originally, it actually shocked me how bad it sounded as we are all so used to her after the years.

Tiredemma, your experience is my worst nightmare and what I suspect would happen if we do report her.

OP posts:

HunieBunie · 01/08/2006 14:14

Could you or one of your family members offer to look after her ds? Sometimes the SS are unable to get involved as they have so many more extreme situations to deal with. So you either have to keep ringing them with specific examples etc or decide amongst yourselves (ie family members) to take her ds so that he doesn't suffer anymore.

quootiepie · 01/08/2006 16:05

hiya... It IS time to call SS... they wont come storming in and take her child away, they will most probably offer her proper help and support, keep a check on the child etc. They are there for these very situations. It'll be best for her and most definaty the child.

louise35 · 01/08/2006 16:17

I think you need to call SS. Like other posters have said, they will not go storming in and take the child away but this girl and her son need help before its too late. If her behaviour in front of family members is anything to go by then I really dread to think what is happening to this poor little boy behind closed doors when they are alone with nobody watching and listening. For both of their sakes you need to do something. Could you really live with the guilt of something terrible happening to this little boy knowing that you could have done something, as opposed to the guilt you may feel for reporting his Mother? I really dont envy the position you are in but I think this will eat away at you until you do something. Good luck x

tiredemma · 01/08/2006 16:28

Ive tried to find my original thread from last year Dragonhart as it had lots of info on it,
I remember making the call to the NSPCC and SS while i was on here, after I had the conversation with them I can clearly remember thinking ( and typing) - that it didnt matter how bad i felt about contacting SS- the most important thing- regardless of whether there was a backlash against me from my family, was that the miserable existance that this child was living was just to much for me to ignore.

A few other Mnetters, some who had been abused as children themselves came on and said that they wished that someone had done the same for them as children.

I would do the same again in and instant.

FioFio · 01/08/2006 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mousiemousie · 01/08/2006 16:45

Support from the family would be a more obvious answer than social services wouldn't it?

FioFio · 01/08/2006 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Callisto · 01/08/2006 20:43

I think that the family is being supportive but an alcoholic in denial is not someone who is going to ask for help for anything else. The whole thing is very disturbing.

Original poster

Dragonhart · 01/08/2006 21:09

We have spoken to her mum and dad about how worried we are and that we think that her son is in danger. They said that they thought she found it hard being at our house as we have a 'normal' family (happily married with one son and another baby on the way) and she really craves that for her and her son. She has had some horrible realtionships with horrible men, I think she feels that someone is better than no-one, no matter how they treat her. They said they think it was not normal for her and that they know when she is drinking and that she has not drunk since they got back. I dont really see how they can know that as they do not live with her. I dont think they are going to do anything and my DH does not want to step in (it is on his side of the family). I am so worried about her son. SHe has had so much support, understanding and help from all of her family, including us but she seems stuck on self destruct. She continually says that things are changing and she is just going to concentrait on her and her son but then another man comes along and she seems to just forget that.

I know that the only solution is to report her but what if her mum and dad are right? We live so far away and DH is worried we are judging form affar. I think that if there is any dobt then we have to do something whether her mum and dad are happy or not. At the end of the day it is her sons safty that matters not upseting the family, surely. But what if they do nothing then we have upset everyone and her sons life is no different, he is still at risk.

OP posts:

Callisto · 01/08/2006 21:14

Dragonhart, I think that the chances of her not drinking are very small. Alcoholics are very very good at hiding the evidence even from themselves. Her parents don't want to think of her drinking therefore they will believe the best of her. I think an incognito call to SS may be the only answer, though you may have to hide it from your dp.

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