DS not making friends/being mildly "bullied". Anything I can do?

[BasicFish]

DS1 is 4, started reception last September and is one of the youngest in his year group. He loved nursery, was quiet but seemed to get on well.

Reception started well, loved it at first but over the months has been more reluctant to go. He wouldn't really say why, until I heard from his teacher that he was pretty quiet. I asked him how he was doing, who his favourite friends were etc (I ask him this a lot and he's sometimes reluctant to answer or goes off on a tangent). He finally told me that he doesn't have any friends, nobody likes him and if he tries to play they tell him to go away. I told him that he could go and find some better people to play with but he told me no-one in the class will play with him. Some of the boys push him and call him stupid.

One day a boy pushed him into a railing and he hit his head, my son found and told a teacher but told me "I tried to tell her but she ignored me and walked away." Now, one of the problems is that when he's talking to the teachers he is apparently very quiet and won't make eye contact, and is a bit difficult to understand. I can see how the teacher might not have noticed him, but feel so sorry for him. he came home with a huge bump, and the teachers had no idea

What can I do about all of this? I feel so so bad for him, he is such a lovely, sweet, kind boy, bit too dinosaur mad at times but very caring and funny. At home he's a ball of laughter and energy, chats non stop at ear-splitting volume, but he's so different at school. I've been telling him that if other kids call him stupid he just needs to tell them in a big voice that only stupid people say stupid, to tell a teacher if they're mean to him or hurt him, and to speak clearly to the teachers, and that most of all he is brilliant and lovely and funny and deserves the best friends in the world.

I'm meeting his teacher soon to check they're keeping an eye on him especially with the pushing.. I know so much of ths is normal playground stuff, and 4 yr olds are not the most reliable source but he seems so unhappy. Anything I can do to make it better for him?

Two things I've noticed from your post, he talks quietly at school but loudly at home. Talk to the school today about getting a referral for a hearing test. If he's having difficulty making himself understood you need a referral to Speech and Language Therapy too. You can self refer to SLT.

If he's feeling lonely at break, does the school have any provisions in place like a friendship bench?

Other than talking to the teacher to find out what his happening (in real life :-) and to get them to put somethings in place if it is as bad as you fear (e.g. make sure someone is keeping an eye on him and stepping in if he's spending too much time on his own) I'm not sure there is much you can do. Your advice to him so far is spot on and I feel your pain.

My little boy started state nursery (we're in Scotland so school doesn't start until later) in August last year and he found it hard at first. From running out the door to go to playgroup, he started spending all weekend telling us he never wanted to go back to nursery, that he had no friends and played with no-one :-( I would get tales of when he was playing with someone, they'd leave him to play with someone else so he was on his own.

He never seemed upset once I'd actually got him out the house to go to nursery and he walked in okay, so I left it a bit but spoke to the teachers at the parent meeting in October. I mentioned his feeling about not liking nursery and not wanting to go and not having any friends. The teachers were gobsmacked. They described him as a 'happy boy' who is never on his own and has a group of friends...

By mid-november his 'anti nursery' stance had completely changed and he started talkign about all his friends at nursery and how he wanted to go - I think for him, it was just a long adjustment period. I'm not saying that's the same for your boy, just wanted to let you know that what they say can be entirely different from reality (although in my mind if they feel like that, then there is a sadness there for them that you still want to fix, if you know what I mean).

When I spoke to the teachers, they said they wouldn't let a child sit/play by themselves and would intervene and suggest they play with x, y, z and they'd do things in the more formal part of the class to get him to interact with other kids. I know nursery is different from reception, but I'd like to think given the kids age the teachers would do something similar?

We have also had the odd instance where he's told me one of the other kids has hit him or pushed him, or kept ripping the cape off his top (pretend batman top - it really upset him) and he never told the teacher, even though I told him many times, so not sure what I can do about that other than to keep going. It's great your little boy had the confidence to speak to the teacher, and my son also speaks quieter to people in those circumstances (and when you ask him to repeat it, he gets even quieter - even though he's a noisy monkey at home).

In short, you won't really know how bad it is until you speak to his teachers, but I just wanted to post to let you know that while your son's feelings are valid, sometimes the situation is not quite as they describe (trying to look on the bright side of a sad situation).

Hugs for you, it's horrible sending them out there and not being on hand to help them out when they need it.

jilted thankfully his hearing is fine, and his speaking is absolutely fine when he's with his childminder, so I feel like it's more of a confidence issue than anything else.

ele aww, poor thing but lovely that it wasn't as bad as he made out! I really hope that's what's happening here, maybe just a bad week! It's good to hear other's experiences :)

Oh gosh you poor thing...this sounds similar to my son when he started school in 2011....

He went from being top of the tree at nursery (loads of friends, V happy and noisy) to being the quietest little poppet in the classroom. He sobbed every morning going in until feb half term, he cried lots in class during the day and, to complete my heart break, told me that he often sat on his own at lunch because he had no-body to play with. Also, he was barely invited to any parties during the first 6 months in reception (and there were ALOT of parties from what I could tell!). I was devastated (had just had DC3 too, so was feeling super hormonal & emotional!).

All I would say is, when a child tells you they played with NO-ONE, this often isnt the truth at all - mums who spotted him in the playground said they did often see him joining in games with others. There was one boy in his year group who did a bit of bullying (smacked him in face with his lunchbox etc), but soon left him alone when we told our son to walk away and don't go near said sh*te.

My son is now in year 2, super popular, loads of lovely friends. Kids now know not to bully him as he is totally brave, confident and stands up to them. He's completely thriving, he is just a sensitive kid and it took him time to find his voice and inner confidence. DO go speak to your son's teacher to discuss all your concerns, but please try not to worry too much. Are there any after school clubs or activities you could enrol him in (either school-related or not) just to up his confidence a little? Sounds like he is an adorable little chap who just needs time to work out how he fits into school life / his class etc, then he'll find his confidence and voice.

And I thought life got easier once kids started school....it just seems to add to our mummy worries