Nephew seriously ill - have now idea how/when/if to tell my DC

[XPS]

He's 6yo and starts chemotherapy next week.

We live 200 miles apart and whilst we don't see them every week we do meet up one way or another approx. 6 times pa. My DSs are 10 & 12 and despite the age difference there is no more exciting plan for the weekend than to be visiting their cousins. (poorly nephew has a younger brother). It really is lovely to watch them all together, almost as if they embrace and enjoy supporting the differences in age/ability/speed etc. Anyway suffice to say my boys love their cousins very much indeed.

Obviously there are currently much bigger issues than the welfare of my Dc and I'm doing what I can to support DSis (suggestions welcome!)

However, I am also worried about my boys. No-one's really talking about the prognosis and I don't really know just how "bad" it is but obviously he's pretty ill and I imagine the treatment is going to be tough on him. I don't know ATM if we're likely to see him soon, I'd like to but I don't want to add to DSis' problems by imposing ourselves on her. I will speak to her again in a day or two.

What can/should I tell DSs. I don't feel able to say, don't worry, he's going to be fine because I have no idea if that's true.

Apologies if anything here seems insensitive, I'm struggling. Obviously my prime concerns are for DN, DSis and family but this post is about how to tell DSs IYSWIM

I would tell them the truth as you have put it here. He is very sick and is going to need a lot of treatment and hospital visits.
You can tell them more as it happens, ie: if his hair falls out etc.
you will probably find your kids amaze you and want to do things to help.
I'm a teacher and had to explain to my class when another child was diagnosed. His parents asked me to. The kids were so positive and made videos and gifts to cheer him up and wanted to organise a fund raiser.
I hope your nephew makes a full recovery.

Agree with drama

Focus on the fact that you telling them so that they can do something to help. Cards, pictures, home made joke book etc.

Saying 'Don't worry, he'll be fine.' would backfire as it could end up looking as if you have lied to them.

Children do know that bad things happen, and that serious illnesses occur.

They also know that adults don't know everything. However it might be reassuring for them to be told that everything that can be done is being done/will be done to make him better. But that the treatment will be difficult because the strong medicine that's needed does have strong side-effects.

And that you'll find out about how they can keep in touch with their cousin. Cards? Phonecalls? Skype?

Organisations like MacMillan have publications that you/they might find useful.

How much do your DC already know about the illness? Has DNeph been going through this for a while or is it a sudden onset?

No, this has come completely out of the blue. 24 hours ago he had a strange "thing" which no-one could identify but he wasn't unwell or in any pain.

I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew. As previous posters have said be honest with your kids. Find out what your sister has told her youngest too as if they are going to be seeing each other then their stories need to add up. But they need to know that he is poorly and needs to go to the hospital to have medicines to try to make him better. Do not promise that he'll be ok as much as you may want to. The chemo is likely to make him very nauseous and hair fall out (depending on the type of chemo) they should be prepared for this if they're going to be seeing him over the next few months.
In terms of your dsis practical help is usually what is needed, so do they have a dog that needs walking? Food shop need doing? If your nephew is in hospital could you stay with him for a while so your sister and partner can have something to eat? If he's going to be in hospital for a while could you offer to have the younger nephew for a few days over half term? With such a new diagnosis your sister is unlikely to know what she wants/ needs in terms of help but if she knows the offers are there she may come back to you. Hope fist round of chemo goes well, cancer really is a horrible thing :(

Agree with the above posters. Be as honest as you can with your children.

Explain that the cousin is very sick and will be having lots of treatment/hospital stays and the doctors will do their very best to help him.

Encourage them to 'help' him in their own ways - is choosing a small present e.g. a book, drawing things or similar an option so they can send it to give him something to do in hospital?

Also.if you do go to see him it's worth preparing your dc for the fact that their cousin may look and behave differently to normal.

I second Macmillan - they are very good!

Best of luck to you all xx

I'd start by talking to DSis, both for what you can do to to support her and to find out what she has told her DS2, to ask if they have a Macmillan nurse who knows these specific circumstances to authorise her to talk to you about what to say and/or put you in touch with their general family support.

As a general approach, don't lie or minimise. But you can think about whether you can do it in stages, on the basis that as each stage becomes assimilated the next bit of news has context. I mean along the lines of "You know DNeph has had this thing for a while? Well he's going back into hospital as they want to do more tests/operate to see what's going on/try a new treatment and this might make him rather unwell for a while. Right now, we don't know quite what this means, but everyone is working very hard to give him the best possible care"

Then you can update as and when necessary.

Thank you all. Should I tell dc's schools?

You don't know how they will react yet. If they turn out to be very worried and anxious, then you might want to let the school know. But I think sometimes children are very good at knowing how they want to deal with things, and you sort of take their lead from them. For example, if someone says, 'Oh right,' and doesn't have a big reaction, maybe it's a kind of healthy response of thinking, 'I won't deal with any bad news until I have to,' But they've nonetheless put it away at the back of their mind...

I think telling the schools could be important. If anxiety causes behavioural changes (less resilience, more arguments etc) then you would want the school to know there is an important underlying reason and that careful pastoral support is required.

You haven't posted the possible timelines for DNeph's treatment, nor whether there is a good prognosis amongst the scary ones. If there are teachers you know well, then an early tip off might be worthwhile. But this might also fall into the category of 'things to deal with if/when the need arises'.

When a little friend of ours had to go through this, a group of us formed a "fairy godmother" and took it in turns once a week to send a little present and a card and a story about what the fairy godmother had done that week. Kept it up for c.2 years - the little girl is better now. The small group grew and grew and by the end we only sent a present once every 5 months. Was a lovely way of being supportive without being intrusive.

I think I would wait a couple of days - unless your DC were due to see their cousins in the next couple of days.

That way you might have a bit more information on which to inform your conversation, and answer any questions they have.

For example will he need to have surgery, how long will he be in hospital, when will we be able to see him?

I'm guessing that you probably don't have answers to those questions ATM and the lack of answers might be a cause of anxiety at this stage.

In a couple of days you might have a few more answers.