Struggle to parent the children when DH is around.......

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I am not just here to moan about my DH but at the moment I have a few questions I am hoping someone that may have been a parent for longer than myself may help with?
We have 4 dc's all up to the age of 10 and don't get me wrong it has been tough at times but never worth giving up and is such a great joy at the Same time as any any parent will know.
Our child care is shared but I am the main carer for the children in terms of time spent with them.
My issues arise every weekend or when we are all in the house together it appears that my DH has his two pennies worth to add constantly and for me it seems to always just rub both me and the children up the wrong way and its getting unbearable.I have tried to 'chat' about it but I don't think DH really 'gets it' and it just continues.actually he has just gotten himself into a bit of a rut I think where he feels he just needs to reprimand them most of the time but forget the praise ,he thinks he is doing the right ting and that this is helping me?.. How I actually feel is that he could just do with a holiday away from us for a few days,again I don't think he would go as work always calls...does anyone else have the 'grumpy husband' scenario at the weekend.?Sometimes I would rather he go out and leave me to it xxxxxxx help how can I get out if this rut???

I think you'll need to talk to him?!
My DH has rustled up a situation in his head where he tells himself that this is my job and his is (his own job). I don't really see it like that but it works for him and enables him to allow me to make the millions of miniscule decisions that we make each day without there having to be big discussions about whether or not they put their coats on etc etc.
Would that work for you guys?

Well I do go to work also as well as doing his paperwork for hs company so I think that we need to be a bit more on an even keel especially as I hope to start college next year,I would just like more positivity or if I need him to have the little ones whilst I do homework with the older ones not to make me feel bad.(this works either way he can do homework and I would have the little ones) but its always such a chore for him at the end if the day- weekeends are full of football at the moment so it has to be done in the week .

There are sometimes three Dad types mentioned on MN, fun dad, strict dad, absentee dad.

Fun dad gets the DCs over-excited, winks at them when Mummy's telling them off, lets them run riot when she's out, always plays Good Guy to her disciplinarian brush-your-teeth Mum. Somehow makes more mess than the DCs do all put together.

Absentee dad is a sperm donor and quite happy to let DW do everything. He won't accept he is lazy, "You do everything so well!"

Your DH is either nervous and not quite sure how to handle the tribe so goes for Being In Charge and likes to think he has everyone including you under control. Maybe it lasts all week, maybe it's for effect, then he's off to play golf or see the in-laws. Or he is intent on playing the role of dominant male and tries to echo being in control at work and replicate the Boss figure in a domestic setting.

Is he better off with just two of the DCs at a time? I know you'll want to do things as a family but is he actually less of a control freak away from you?

Some adults are not very adept with little DCs, they cope better when they are teens. But he should have figured out how to get along with you by now.

Book a break for yourself, child-free in a couple of weekends' time. Even just an overnight stay with or without a pal someplace. Let him crack on with doing things and see how he gets on.

I have had this very same discussion with mums on the school run recently....and we all agreed that everything kind of goes to pot at weekends when DH is home. So you're not alone!

We have 3 kids, and weekends are often fraught, particularly sunday lunchtimes when DH comes over all 'grandparenty' and thinks all the kids (ages 6, 4 and 2) should sit and eat their food in complete silence with NO mis-behaving at all. It puts me on the wrong foot too as I kind of feel like DH is having a go at my parenting because, by default, I'm the one responsible for their day to day behaviour and if they can't sit nicely for sunday lunch, then i've been a cr&p mum!

I think, too, its the lack of routine at weekend which messes things up / makes kids muck around more than they would in the week. Also, you are more relaxed as you think DH is home and will help entertain (when all DH wants to do it sit on sofa and read the paper, hence gets cross when bored kids climb all over him!).

I really dont know what the solution is, other than to get the kids outside for a run around for a while, just to blow off steam....but rest assured I completely sympathise with your thread. I just don't know what to do about it either!!

Our weekends are like that, icravecheese, somehow harder than the weekdays when I'm on my own with all 3 children. I can't even fault my husband really, he's hard working and tries his best with the kids (although he is prone to having ridiculously high expectations of them, being impatient and being very grumpy). He just somehow upsets the rythm of how we do things. I also remember my mum complaining of exactly the same thing when I was a child. But I have no suggestions of what to do I'm afraid, only sympathy.

It's similar in our house. I always anticipate it being easier with Dh around to amuse DS but it seems to cause more stress and more mess. I look forward to mondays.

Another hand up here for a grumpy DH. We have 3 DC and he has just been away for a week with work. There has been no shouting, no insanely high expectations of the DC and no answering back. He has been home for 1 day and we have had constant reprimands and even a sending to bed of DC3 without any supper.

Wish I knew how to make both him and them happier....

Last night was better for me but I think it's because I just give up and end up becoming 'fun mum' almost because I admit defeat and just let him take control,end up dancing singing colouring ,admittedly I sometimes even roll my eyes at his requests so I do realise this doesn't help whatsoever this is why I did post on MN because I can see it becoming a big problem.I just kind of 'switch off' I don't even really do anything at all around the house again much like 'sharond101' I just feel like I wait for Mondays sad really.I love being with the children and they are quite well behaved overall but I feel like we mostly play rather than set to task like homework and house work etc-'house jobs' it adds to my stress levels because I do feel like its all slipping away but come Monday DH will want me for cooking lunches paperwork etc running the kids around but at the. Weekend I have little say unless I fancy confrontation.....help.Why do they want me all week then it all goes to pot at the weekend

Would your DH be more likely to accept advice from a book? There's one called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' which explains about positive feedback, descriptive praise etc.

Sometimes we find it hard to take advice from our partners (because it feels like criticism?) and a book has the aura of being an 'expert' which can help too.

Maybe yes but I still think me offering a book may be taken as criticism too as he doesn't really read,it did make me think though I have worked with children for a long time so perhaps I understand it a little more don't get me wrong I have 'off days' mostly at the weekends though!
What's ironic is that he is a sports coach and manages very well to direct other people's children to get the best from them.

DH had a really crappy childhood, so he had very poor role models. (Mine weren't brilliant, but I recognised that, so did/do a lot of research into making myself as good a parent as I can be.)

He used to think "having discipline" meant "being strict". He used to think my efforts at trying to get the DC to have self-discipline were a waste of time. He thought we should punish the children; I think that they should learn for themselves the consequences of their actions, both good and bad, and learn from them. He was for barking orders to be obeyed; I am for explanation of my POV and experience, but allow them to decide for themselves (within reason!).

I think the difference in our thinking stems down to whether you want biddable children, or whether you want to raise successful human beings.

However, as they've got older, he has seen the results. I have a much better relationship with them than he does. They talk to me more. They respond to me more. He has come round to my way of thinking, and now will take suggestions from me that he can get better results by doing things my way. He does acknowledge that I have been right in the past, more often than he has, and that I am the one with more influence over our children, now they are too old to be effectively controlled.

So, I'm not sure if you can do much about your DH, I think you just need to keep on working on your relationship with your children, and accept that he has to do the same.

Correcting and judging all the time gives you and your DCs the impression he doesn't trust you. I think when your eldest gets to secondary school level it won't just be you who feels got at.