Daughter at Uni - my only child - Feel like a retired mum. Anyone else?

[wimsywon]

My only child went off to uni last sept. she's now a 2hr drive away and enjoying her studies (that's good) however, 4months have passed and i'm still at a loss. my heart actually aches when i see her photo or go in her room. sounds so silly, i know. she hasn't gone to a bad place! i keep telling myself to let go and allow her to fly. she's my joy and i couldn't love her more. i just miss her :( can any one share coping strategies? i've lost my appetite and can't sleep some nights, is this normal? will i feel better again? please help.

Hi Wimsyon

I don't have a daughter at uni so not in your shoes, but I was the daughter at uni many years ago and wanted to offer my perspective. I now have a 4 month old daughter of my own.

I left home to go to Uni and I missed my parents so much. I loved going home for holidays and some weekends. I bet your daughter is missing you too.

Another thing, my mum said this to me this week, kids may leave but if they are your friends they'll come back. True I went to Uni but home was always home and I went back loads. I'm now closer than ever to my parents (I'm 38!) and they are my best friends. I'm already in a state about my own daughter leaving and she's only a baby. But reflecting on how I feel about my mum and dad and knowing that they are my anchors makes me feel better.

You are her mum, she'll always come back to you always. Be her friend. Be a sensible sounding board for her. Try to get involved with an activity or book a visit somewhere. It does get easier and you'll adjust in time, it's early days still.

Thank you :-) ur rite. My daughter calls,texts and got me a lovely poem book for 'mum'. Ur baby girl will do u proud because ur a gopd person :-)

She will always be your daughter, always. She's not living with you at the moment, but it's still her home, it always will be. You'll be suprised at how often she's back over the next few years.

You're a lovely mum by the sounds of things. You will always be her anchor. Remember that. Girls always need their mums.

It's just an adjustment that's all. Nothing's changed really.

If you look at the calendar there's a big chunk of holidays for students. She may be studying or taking on work but that's potentially time you'll see her again. So in your mind's eye keep the next holiday date and then look at filling the time. Home is waiting for her but your life shouldn't be on hold.

If you are working it fills a day and that's going to pay for one trip a term. Two hours away isn't far but you could stay overnight and make a trip of it.

Just as you brought her up to be brave and independent, so you are. If you write to or call her you want to have something to talk about, right? Any changes to the house, any messy practical things needing attention?

Being a parent is time consuming. You may not have begrudged it but while DD's away you can be selfish! Do things for you. Some arty or crafty skill you never had the time to develop? Do you feel fit, are you taking any exercise, is she likely to take it up with you when she's home again? Is there a class you can join near home or work? Have you started any new project, visited anywhere new? Do you send her a little parcel, once a month or so? Put together a few things she's keen on.

She'll be back when she can't buy a house/wants a fiver/needs a shoulder to cry on.

Be proud that you have raised her to be so strong on her own 2 feet?

I'm not quite in the same boat but DS1 left to go to uni in september. He's already said he's moving in with his GF in the summer so won't be living back here. He was my rock - my husand, DS2 and possibly DS3 have asperger's syndrome and DS1 was my sanity, my little island of calm in a fairly hard-work family life. I miss him.

Thanks to all for words of support and sharing thoughts. lljkk - you're so right! She still 'needs' me and even today, txt me before any one else for advice on how to arrange a visa for a trip. i guess she's learning how to be independent and i still have an important role to play in ensuring she remains confident and feels able to cope with the 'adult' world and making decisions. you're all so nice! i wish the best for you :) and may be now is time to explore options i have before me, for myself? enter a brave new world! make choices and decisions that i've postponed in order for my daughter to settle and pursue her goals...must focus on that, i suppose.

fuzzymum1 - you know what/ it gets better, i promise you. you're son will become the wonderful man you hoped for and his love and appreciation of you will show in ways that only you will recognise. we're lucky that our kids are doing what they planned and fulfilling ambitions. missing them is part of the process and loving them will never change xx

That's a good strategy .

Have to say, personally am a long way from DCs sharing with a gf or bf, Fuzzymum1, whoo scary stuff!

It must be tough when an only child moves out but to a lesser extent have to admit I found it fascinating how the home dynamic shifted when pfb left for uni.

There is a whole spectrum between clearly not missing your children at all (as happened to me when I went off to Nottingham U back in the 1970s) and full-scale pining as happened with my closest work colleague and her DD. Both ends are problematic but anywhere towards the middle should be fine!

What a lovely mum you are wimsywon , missing your daughter is testament to how much you love her!

When I left for uni I was very close to my mum and missed her loads - going home was such a treat and we spent extra time with each other. While I was away mum got involved in raising money for our local hospice - )where my dad had passed away), she also joined a lunch society and took some adult classes in French and cooking. All things she had wanted to do for ages but in between working and taking care of us she didn't have time.

When uni finished and I came home I was so proud of her for doing all the things she'd done - I couldn't admire her more. We are closer than ever now, even though I'm grown up and married and have just had my first baby!

Do something you've always wanted to do and enjoy yourself safe in the knowledge that your daughter will always love you and need you and is lucky to have such a caring mum.

My twin sons went off to uni last September/October (still got one at home) and I've been using the time to pick up all the hobbies I used to do pre-kids and no longer had time for.

Is there anything like that you could do? Any evening classes you'd like? Do you have a good set of friends?

It's good to plan things with your daughter, eg going to see her for a weekend, planning stuff for the holidays when she's home but just as helpful would be to gradually make your own life more independent from hers so that the separation gets less and less painful over time.

Good luck.

I was like this too when ds went in September. It is very hard and you do have to look at your life and re evaluate certain things. He comes home loads and is also 2 hrs away. But he came home Monday and has dropped the bomb he may drop out. He had decided he def wasn't going back but after talking has decided to give it untl Easter. I am in a different routine now and this has really thrown me and dp and our plans.

Try and focus on the good things- her success for one. There may also be things you can do (holidays in term time, to places you like but which may not be to your daughter's taste) which you can view as a positive.

You're all right..just being there and loving them from a distance is part and parcel of them growing up. I'm looking into a craft course and day trips to places i've always wanted to go...i guess, as i'm sure u'll all understand, being a devoted mum for 19yrs is hard to shake off! in a way, i'm 'me' again - plus a few lines and wrinkles, of course lol!- but life isn't over. whatever our kids decide to do and whatever age they are...we must be there, love, support and never judge them. i think in the long run every thing evens out and turns out for the best, providing the love is there. love to u and ur babies :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx