Help.

[Rachie1986]

Don't know what to do, feel hopeless.

Dd is 3.5wks old.
I have mild m.e./chronic fatigue syndrome, also history of depression/anxiety.
Dh is very hands on, loves dd and being a dad. He has been doing a night feed using expressed milk since dd was 5days to help me get some sleep.

However He works 12hr shifts so is gone for 14hrs (daytime) for 4 days in a row. Can't help at night those days as he needs sleep for work. We've just done the first lot of days since dd born. My mum came and stayed (she's not local) and helped but it was really tough to look after dd on my own. Dd has also started having episodes of awful wind or silent reflux the last few days, cries and is in pain for a few hours, usually nighttime.

I feel like I cannot cope. I went to gp on midwives advice when dd was a week old as I felt overwhelmed and incredibly down. He said it was normal. Now I just feel hopeless, there's nothing anyone can help with as she's my daughter and I have to look after her but I just feel like walking out and leaving during the nights when she won't settle or I'm up doing all the feeds. It just seems never ending, nothing anyone can do to make it better and during the nights I feel like this was a huge mistake.. Then I feel awful for thinking that.

Some days when dh is here and we do things as a little family I feel good.. But I think about his next batch of work days and just feel panicky about doing it all myself, not getting enough sleep, and how I will ever cope :-(.

Aw, you poor thing. Looking after a newborn is really really tough, especially when they are unsettled. I felt rubbish the first few weeks but I promise you it does get easier. My DD is nearly 5 months old now and the difference is huge.

You do need to get some RL help though to get you through these first few months. Do you have people nearby who could help and look after your LO whilat you sleep? I'd think you should also go back to your doctor and make it clear how you are feeling. Finally, can you make it out to baby groups in the day? I found it helpful to chat to others going through the same thing and jist get out of the house.

I absolutely promise that things will get better. You're doing a great job!

and do not do anything that isn´t absolutely needed (cleaning, anything more than basic cooking, having visitors unless they will make you tea), but do try and get out for a walk and fresh air everyday

as already said it is only a phase but that is extremely hard to remember when loosing it a 4 in the morning - been there

Hmm, I totally understand it's really hard right now, but I also wonder if you have postnatal depression? Your phrases 'no-one can help' and feeling 'hopeless' ring alarm bells. It's very common to have a touch of 'the blues' (apologies for all these apostrophes!) after giving birth but it sounds like more than that in your case. I had PND after ds1, who also had silent reflux - don't underestimate the extra stress that can cause - and struggled with it by myself without seeking help. Don't do that! Despite my dh studying for exams and not being around at all to help when dd2 was a baby, I coped a lot better because thankfully I didn't get PND with her. Please have a chat with your GP and also your health visitor - when I actually bothered to contact them and explain how I was feeling, they were very supportive. Until I asked for help I didn't get any.

Also, I'm not lying when I say that it gets easier, and soon. The first few weeks go by in a blur and you wonder how on earth you are going to survive the sleep deprivation and the lack of time to yourself, or do to anything other than feed your baby. Then all of a sudden you realise they are starting to sleep longer at night, you feel better in yourself, and life starts to become really quite enjoyable as you settle into your own routine. Try not to isolate yourself - no matter how little you feel like it, get to a mums and babies group. As your health visitor about local ones. Go to your local breastfeeding cafe, there will be tons of mums going through similar there who will be happy to offer kindness and a sympathetic ear. Honestly, it gets easier soon. I've survived two babies with only a caffeine addiction to show for it! x

Best advice is don't do anything that doesn't really need to be done. Dont give yourself time pressures like getting out the house by a certain time, and only do what you want. This isn't forever but that doesn't matter now - just take it slow and do what ever you can to get some sleep. You will fall in love with DD a bit more every day but it all takes energy.

Try and eat regularly, every 3-4 hours during the day. This should help even out mood swings by keeping your blood sugars + hormone levels in balance.

You'll have a 6 week post-natal check up soon, to check you're recovering.

Thank you - your advice and support is much appreciated. Xx

I agree with all the above - and you have my sympathy too, it can be really hard.
Just to add - something that helped me a bit was planning little treats/rewards for myself during the day and night. Like, going for a walk to buy a magazine to read in bed when the baby napped, getting some of my favourite snacks to eat in the night if dd was awake, watching a favourite tv programme...

This newborn bit is v v hard op especially with an unsettled baby. Ask your HV for help - if you have PND some treatment will help you feel more on an even keel.

You might not hve it though: you might just be very sleep deprived and exhausted. Newborns will do that to you! I found the newborn phase with my DS very hard and I couldn't imagine that he wa ever going to get any easier or ever sleep at night. Of course, he did. They all do. The first few weeks are just a killer. Survive it however you can. Get friends and rellies to come and stay to help when your DS works days - women are not meant to do this on their own. In other non-western cultures you would have a house/village full of cousins, aunts, sisters, in laws etc all pitching in to help you in these tough early days. In the uk unfortunately we live very isolated lives which makes new motherhood very difficult.

If it is any consolation my DS was a colicky screamer who was up all night at 3 weeks old. By 10 weeks old he wa sleeping from 9pm-3am havig a feed and then sleepig again till 7am...which felt much more survivable. They change so quickly and sleep longer/stretch out their feeds. This mad first bit is the worst but it will be over soon. Hang in there ou are doing a fab job.

Ps if you think your LO has reflux please take her to your GP you can try some baby gaviscon or similar and it may improve the symptoms.

Although I have to say DS was just a screamer for those early weeks. Some babies just are - google purple crying. There is a theory that many babies diagnosed wih 'colic' are actually just crying cos babies cry. The purple crying website was really reassuring for me xx

My advice would be to simply remember that this too will pass. It isn't never ending, babies change as they grow and things do get easier. Just remember that you love your baby, your baby loves you and that you will get through it together!