crazy to consider it??? Another child after 7 year gap?

[Sa88yt1ts]

My dc are 9 and very nearly 7. They are the best thing in the world. I adore them, I love being their mum, I love sharing their lives with my very treasured dh......but I kind of want another.

Real head and heart time. We always wanted 3 and then it didn't happen. I had a partial prolapse following second birth (didn't need opearting, but was very uncomfortable and very challenging emotionally), our marriage felt scarily frail for a while (first and last time that's ever happened) and we were just beyond knackered. So it never happened. And I have spent the last 3 or 4 years saying 'you know what, I wish we had had 3 but not now, no going back, sleepless nights - no thanks)

Then, suddenly, I'm going 'but I still wish I had and maybe this is my last chance to actually do it - I'm 38 now.

We have the room, we could find the money, we have none of the stuff left, but I'm not worried about that. What I am bothered about is that I'll still be saying 'I wish we had' in five years time when it's too late.

I would never deliberately have chosen an 8 year gap between kids, but there are worse things than that, aren't there? I don't want a set of two and a singleton though. The two older ones are brill together, absolutely best friends - but they would both REVEL in another sibling.

But, life would have to go on hold for a while, wouldn't it? No more cinema trips, no swimming, no jumping in the car for an adventure...

But still a little hole where a third child could sit in my heart.

Is it too late?

My older boys were 9 and 13 when DS3 was born. It's been brilliant - it had all the novelty of being like a firstborn but with the experience of having done it all before. DS1 and 3 are very close and DS3 really misses his big brother now he's gone to uni. Given my time again I wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks guys. When we were struggling to conceive ds a very dear friend told me that I wasn't falling because the RIGHT baby wasn't ready yet. At the time that gave me a lot of comfort and it turns out she was right. If I'd got pregnant quicker I wouldn't have my beautiful, kind, sensitive boy.

Equally, when my ds followed in week six of trying, she was meant to join our family. She was the one who would perfectly balance our timid little man by having enough balls for all of us.

I guess I am saying that, if I am meant to have another baby I will have another baby....and my guess right now is that I won't....but if I do, that will be right.

I am new to MN and I am loving it. What a lot of very wonderful people there are here. Xxx

Dd, not ds! That'd just be weird!!!

There are 3 years between my sisters, then I arrived 7 years later! Worked ok for all of us and my parents felt they got to properly enjoy all of us. Not too late at all, plenty of people do it!

Plus your 2 are old enough to help you out - bonus! Babysitters on tap in a few years too! It'd be daft not to when you look at it that way.

Admittedly, Matana, that is on my 'do it' list!!!x

Awww, that's a lovely way of looking at it.

I had totally made my peace with only having two. We call DS2 "the bonus ball"! :)

We have 7 year gap between DD2 and DD3. We all love her to bits. As others have said, We are all much more relaxed and DD3 is a very happy, smily girl. The gap is shorter is some ways as she SO wants to be her sisters. So does everything much earlier than I had expected and is very independent.
Older DDs friends even want to help at her parties too
DD3 hasn't stopped the others doing anything - just fits in and enjoys!
I could not begin to say how much joy and laughter she has added to our family.
Only one caveat. We had all children late and so working till DD3 through school fees (don't slate me, doing it for older 2, too late to stop as into gcses etc and can't differentiate!) university now feels like a long time ahead and DH and I both feeling the strain.

I can see that that would be a bit of a strain jc...and I have to admit, the fog of nursery fees / general toddler skintness is not that appealing. I really like the fact that we have a bit of cash spare again.

Re schooling- who am I to judge?? We all do what is right for us. Xx

I know this is an old thread….. but what did you decide in the end @Sa88yt1ts? x

@Pinkdust27

We didn’t have another one and now I can say I am comfortable with that. I probably still think it would have been nice to have a bigger family but I never got to the point that I wanted to risk what we had/have by having a third. I think it was the right decision for us and we remain a happy family with teens who largely still love each other dearly. It’s been nice having enough spare cash to do nice stuff with them and to do our house up after years of not being able to do anything to it. We’ve had some nice holidays and they are able to have experiences which we wouldn’t have had with a third.

We did get a dog a few years ago…maybe she was a little bit of a baby substitute for me and she has definitely been one of the best decisions we ever made for our family. Everyone adores her, much as I suspect they would have done another baby.

I note that I commented that I would never go back to work full time….got that wrong too!!! Maybe I should have had another just for that! 🤣🤣🤣

Are you having a similar dilemma?

There's an age gap of 14 yrs between me and my younger brother!
Gap of 8 years between my 2 DC.

I would have loved a third but had an awful time with emergency sections and had major PPHs with both so DH got the snip.

If you can manage, then it's worth a try otherwise you may have regrets about what might have been. Good luck!

I think you need to look at it from every angle - going back to the baby stage, dealing with kids activities with a massive age gap, a bigger car… if you did do it, might you then want a fourth because you don’t want no. 3 to be on its own?! I think it’s about 50:50 you’d regret it. There are some do you regret 3rd kid threads, have a good read through those and a think.

@Sa88yt1ts yes absolutely!

Having a third was always always in the plan. I actually hadn't pictured things any other way.

My kids are 6 and very nearly 9 and I am 39. We have been trying for number 3 since DC2 was 2 (feels like forever!). I was an only child and didn't have a great experience so the age gap is a big issue for me as I really worry they would feel like an only for quite a significant part of their earlier (memorable) lives. We had always planned to try until DC2 started school and then draw a line and join the 'grateful for what we have camp' but that milestone came and went and I just couldn't give it up. Eventually I got a private infertility referral and found out other things were going on but covid seriously delayed treatment and time has ticked on.

Then eventually this year I finally fell pregnant and I have to be honest but despite everything I felt nothing but panic! I don't know if it was hormones, the shock (as I honestly thought it would never actually happen by that point) or that it just isn't right for us anymore. Anyway, at week 6 I miscarried and felt such a huge mixed reactions between relief (as awful as that is to say) and complete and utter sadness. Now a few months on I still feel completely stuck as still long for 3 and don't know whether to draw a line or try again for a while longer.

I have desperately wanted a bigger family always. I look forward and love the idea of people coming and going and the bustle and joy that comes with a bigger family, I just cant let that go . BUT..... I also have huge worries about the impact on my current DC's in the next 5 - 10 years. We absolutely could make it work but I cant tell if given the age gaps now they would actually compromise and lose more than they would potentially gain in the future. Neither of my children are asking for a sibling!

My existing kids are extremely bonded and we can afford a comfortable life. I keep picturing everything we do and have done over the Summer and try and consider 'what would this look like with a baby in tow'. The reality is that my current kids would get less time, attention, finance and experience from us (I think). Theatre, cinema, bike rides, festivals, travel and holidays all look totally different. Then as @Givemethatknife says, I do really worry that the third would feel like an only and the reality is that I don't have the time (or husband backing) for number 4 even if that was even a possibility!

As you can tell my brain is a mess - I really think that it probably is the right decision to stop at 2 but I also know I will forever feel sad about it :(

@Pinkdust27 I don’t think you will feel sad forever….although of course I can’t know that. I think, if you decide not to have another, that you will (one day) have a moment of “isn’t life grand” and that having a third could have changed that. That, at least, is where I am. I don’t regret not having the third, although I admit I still wistfully think of what having a bigger family could have been like. I know I have been a better mum to two than I would have been to more though. I tend to feel that more would have been nice, but glad that I never had all the work that that brings, if that makes sense!

One of my best friends had a very happy accidental third when her youngest was 9. Her third is an absolute joy to all of them and she is the sweetest thing. But when I’m with them I do wonder how mum finds the energy to cope and, as her eldest is only two years from uni, I wonder what life will look like for them then. But like I say, the little one is the absolute apple of their eye.

One other thought….somehow, my house has become the place where the teenagers gather so I do get a taste of the hustle and bustle that lots of people bring. And I do love it - but I love it when they all go home too!! Perhaps you can encourage your kids friends to treat your house similarly- it’s a real privilege.

I do feel for you- I hear a lot of my own thoughts in your post. I’m also really sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you can make a decision that you feel happy with. You sound lovely. X

Thank you so much for your reply @DakotaFanny. I really appreciate your lovely words and perspective.

I do know exactly what you mean! I absolutely LOVED the baby and toddler stages and everything that went with them. I even loved the chaotic juggle of a baby and a toddler and all the mayhem that ensued. But now, if i really think hard about what life looked like then - it was very full on! The idea of endless soft play and rhyme time no longer appeals as it did; especially when I love spending so much time with my older 2. I worry i would be tired and grumpy and that they would miss out on the best of me. Childcare is expensive and there is no doubt that it would impact what we could do as a family for the next 5 years at least.... by then by eldest would be 14! If they had all been closer together, that would have just been the way life was. They would have known no different and we would have found our way through. But now they do know and i think (maybe fear) that they would be so aware of how things had changed (for a baby they never asked for).

If I soul search, I think it is my selfish need that wants a third so much. The love of being a mum and the feeling of being needed (I realise that is very needy!). I have been so consumed in TTC that i don't think I have been able to take a step back and see if it is still right for us anymore.

I think the sadness long term will be less about having a third at this this stage (I hope) and more about the unfairness and pain of infertility. I just feel like I didn't get to choose; more that I have been forced into a decision I didn't think I'd have to make because I have run out of time.

As for the buzz in the house I totally agree. We are already a bit of a hub house - always have other peoples children here and love hosting so I would really hope we are the house that they all hang out at! I have already prepped my husband for that and he is fully expecting it!

In the future I will also pursue the puppy (i have no chance at the moment) and if the need to mother is still as strong then i would 100% consider fostering later on. Maybe I can put my sadness to good use for someone else down the line.

I just hope in time the 'what if' subsides and the 'isnt' life grand' takes over :) xx

We have DS who is 21 and DS who is 13. 3 mcs in between so you can see what our situation was. I was determined to have a second but personally would not have had a third.
In our case it has quite often been like having two singletons but can be managed and I’m not in agreement with a PP who said pool holidays would be on hold - we took our 8 year old and 6 month old to France for a week on a Normandy caravan site and a few days at Disneyland and managed fine. You have to be prepared to split the parenting - you don’t get a break though. One parent takes 8 year old swimming if babies aren’t allowed in the pool while other parent pushes the buggy round the lake or plays in the caravan etc. Cinema - we used to go to two different age- appropriate films more or less at the same time.
I would be concerned about your partial prolapse though - how would you cope if it happened again? I had a Cs second time so avoided that problem and recovered quickly from the surgery. I was able to get DS1 to his activities quite easily so he wasn’t too badly affected by having a baby in the house.

I have a 12yo, 3yo and newborn and it's absolutely brilliant going back but the baby will get completely spoiled :o Although I've actually found I'm much more confident and laid back with the younger two because I know what things do and don't matter in the long run.

I found a 10 year gap perfect because when DS1 still needed us around, DS2 was young enough to be carted along and not care too much. Whereas now DS1 can go off and deal with his social arrangements without help, and when DS2 has things of his own, DS1 is old enough to opt out (stay at home/arrange something of his own) and if he really wants to jump into a soft play or kiddy pool, he has a legitimate excuse to. He is also old enough to be out of car seats so we don't have to try and jigsaw 3 across.

@Sa88yt1ts I know this is an old post, but I could have written it! I am considering a third now because the timing is finally right. The difference is I’m a SAHM , and we are lucky enough that money isn’t an issue for anything we would want to do- we also already have the dog 😊. Things are perfect, do I risk throwing a third into the mix? Will I regret it if I don’t?

@NYCMUM12 how old are your two? Sorry it has taken me a long time to get back to you on this!!

@Sa88yt1ts they are 7&5 now and so lovely and well behaved and we do everything together and have the best time! What did you end up deciding?!

We never had another which I think was the right decision for us. I still look at big families with a bit of envy but I’m content with my two (nearly adult) children. I think I did a better job with two than I would have done with three! 😬

7&5 is a good gap though and in my experience, it’s very common to think of another when the youngest has gone to school. I know people who had a third then, and loved it. I know people who didn’t and don’t regret it. I know that’s not very helpful!

in short, I suspect if you have another you will never regret it. If you don’t you will reach a point where that feels like the right thing too.

tricky isn’t it?!?

@Sa88yt1ts this is a lovely response, thank you!! So nice to read your update and I believe your advice is spot on!