The truth hurts :( Need some encouragement

[Lsmum]

Ds (6) has been a bit 'challenging' of late, just generally being silly and not doing what he's told, etc etc. Even his teacher said that he's been a bit more of a handful than usual lately - mostly he's a good student & well behaved. After a rough day yesterday where ds got into trouble from both Dh and I several times for not doing what he was told, (and dh and I having a brief argument and being a bit off-hand with each other), ds said to me quite seriously "I wish I had another mummy. I think Jeremy's (his friend's) mother is nice, I'd really like her to be my mummy.' It was very un-provoked and he actually came out with it when I was giving him a cuddle before bed. I felt mortified and asked him why he felt that way, and he said because I'd been shouting at him a lot. I probably have been, but I know it's the end result of his defiant behaaviour lately and unfortunately he copped it from both dh and I on the same day. I do feel bad that I've probably overreacted over a few things but I'd just had enough yesterday and was also tired & annoyed with dh.

I felt so hurt by what ds said that I actually burst into tears after he went to bed, I love him with all my heart and I tell him that every day. I do SO much for him - I spend a lot of my time and energy on him and do everything for him that I possibly can. It was his birthday last week and we did whatever we could to make it special, in fact over three days he got taken out to dinner, then we took him to a theme park and the next day I had organised a family get-together at our house for him, I even slaved for ages making the Superman cake that he wanted. I know this probably all sounds a bit pathetic, but it just feels like such a kick in the stomach.

I did apologise to him for being shouty but I told him that daddy & I get tired of him not listening to us and that it makes us feel sad. He told me he was sorry, but I still feel quite mortified by what he said. Can anyone else relate to this..? I hope I'm not the only one whose child thinks they are a useless mummy.

hey dont worry my ds1 covers his ears immediately he has done someting he know is wrong sometimes i know he prefer the childminder to me! On the other hand Your ds doesnt see 'jeremys mum' when jeremys being naughty. Dont beat yourself up parenting was never meant to be easy.

My dd does this sometimes, Shes 8 and has been since about that age. I don't say anything I get Daddy to do it for me calmly explaining how much it hurt my feelings. I do the same for Daddy when she like this with Daddy. I know she does it because she's cross but the fact remains its unacceptable for her to behave and speak to us like this. I think when it comes from somebody else it hits home a little more.

I actually told him that nicnack2 - I've seen Jeremy's mother get angry with him and his two brothers when they're naughty, so she's definitely not nice ALL the time I explained to ds that Jeremy gets into trouble at home, just like every other child does. I think he understood but I still can't help feeling somewhat shocked/hurt by what he said.

I know... I'm too sensitve and should get over it

one thing that you shuld look on as being positive is that you son was comfortable enough to say that to you even though you were upset. he may find the atmosphere at home diffficult if you and dh are arguing. Ds1 will come to DH and i and say stop shouting if we are argueing, and it certainly stops us in our tracks. But he was able to voice that to you which is half the battle keeping children talking to their parents.

I think the shouting is clearly ineffective- is there another way you can help manage his behaviour?

Reward based perhaps - pasta jar, money jar, sticker chart??

It is easy to get dragged into a spiral of shouting when they go through challenging phases, but often it just reinforces the behaviour rather than improves it.

Good luck

We all rush around like loons trying to make our kids lives great but perhaps you're trying to do too much. Maybe he's tired, maybe you are, that certainly causes shouty behaviour in our house. Take some time to just "be" - keep it simple, spend time together but not necessary with full on activities. Calm it down over the holidays perhaps and you might relax, DH might relax and your son will feel happier. Maybe?

Sad for you that you feel bad though!

Lsmum, I can definitely relate to this...everything up to the " I wish I had another mummy" But that's only a matter of time I think

It's with my ds1 who is 5. The truth is they DON'T listen, they CAN"T listen and we ( I am relating also to all you do for your son and the pleasure you take in him etc etc) snap when we feel used and ignored and pushed to shouting.

I think the talking to him about his feelings and your feelings is the key. Don't sweep any of it under the carpet, talk about how you feel and what and why and end it with an apology for shouting but not necessarily an apology for laying down the law.

Totally agree with nicnack2's point that you should be proud that he was comfortable enough to say it to you, it's the bottling up and internalisation that causes the lasting damage I think.

FWIW, I had to get very very growly and bossy with ds1 at the airport to day while waiting to meet DH. He just would NOT stand behind the barrier, he kept hopping through it and clambering and bangin in to people. I felt an utter Bitch and go "the look" from people around me but he would not listen.

We talked about our day, about what was the highlight; seeing daddy and the lowpoint: you telling me what to do all the time. We talked about why and how we could fix it and it's over now.

Don't beat yourself up too much, although it's easy to do I know. Hope it gets easier. It's just such a kick in the teeth when for the most part you are utterly dedicated to your child's emotional wellbeing, well you think you are but clearly you are fulfilling Philip Larkin's prophecy. But keep your communication channels open. HTH

I popped round to see a friend briefly this morning and she told me that her dd (age 3!) had told her that see would like to put her (mum) out with the rubbish . I said to dd that that was very sad and that I would love to have her mummy to live with me at my house! At this point, friend's dd retracted everything she had said and (bordering on frantic) said that mummy should stay with her!!

I think that children are very quick to learn how to express that they are unhappy, and if had been a shouty day he was probably saying that he would like to live somewhere peaceful! I know that my friend's dd has also told her mum that she has not shouting so much recently (before today, obviously!) so they do seem to pick up on so much. It sounds as if you have had a manic time of it and really worked your socks off...I think that the other advice given about giving yourself some more mellow time is v good .

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your ds, don't beat yourself up...

My dd2 said she couldnt wait to move out so she didnt have to live with me anymore, my crime was to have put her gel pens in the bin because her and her sister keep punching each other and my softly sit on the floor for 5 mins was having no effect, they were still punching lumps out of each other the next day....sigh...never mind.
They havent had a punch up since the pens went in the bin though

"How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" This is very helpful.

my ds is six and is exactly the same. it's so hard to get thru to him, and so frustrating. he told me he didn't feel part of the family the other day he has been v cuddly since, and my dd is hard work atm so i just try and give him some quality time, even just 10 mins here and there when I can seems to make him feel better. They do know how to pull our heart strings though..