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Original poster

Thinking of having second baby, but without family support nearby

20 replies

potoroo · 28/07/2006 22:40

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I have a bit of a dilema and could use some advice.
Both my family and DH's family are in Australia. Last year, when we had DS, both my parents and then MIL came to stay for 4 and 3 weeks respectively. They were supposed to help out, but I found the whole thing very traumatic, mostly because they were living with us, and we didn't always get on - not helped by new baby thrown into the mix.
Now we are hoping to have another bub next year, but I don't think I could bear having people over to stay again - especially as it is not a big house.

So, 2 questions:
How do I nicely tell parents/in-laws not to come?
And just how much more difficult is it to have a 2 year old and a new baby without family support? (DH is wonderful and I do have other friends who will help out if I need them).

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CADS · 28/07/2006 22:57

Welcome to mumsnet.

Can't really help with your first question because there is no easy answer. Well, not anything that comes to mind.

My parents are in South Africa and my PIL live here but we're not that close and hardly ever see them.

My best suggestion is to tell everyone that you will go and visit them when baby is a little older. I'm sure you will want to go home at some stage.

With ds, I went to SA for 4wks (when ds was 4wks)but with dd, my parents come to stay with us for 2wks (when dd was 3wks), although it was a nightmare and they drove me mad, I did manage to get some sleep.

It is difficult having two close in age but you just get on with it. I don't know how I've done it but I have (actually, feel quite proud of myself). I think any age gap has its difficulties.

As long as you have a helpful supportive dh and friend that can help out if you are desperate, then you will be fine.

I think the only thing I wish I had done before dd arrived is potty trained.

Good luck.

nearlythree · 28/07/2006 22:58

Friends are better than family IMO.

If family comes give them details of a hotel. They probably found staying grim too and might be pleased not to have to come.

If you think help might be good, start saving if you possibly can for a maternity nurse/ nanny to come - you'd need about £700 - £900 a week. You can have live in or out and although I value my privacy I found that having a maternity nurse staying was fine - they don't intrude in the way family do. You might not need help anyway - we didn't when our second was born but did with our third owing to chickenpox!

Lilypie · 28/07/2006 22:59

Could you tell them there just isn't the space now you are a family of 4 and if they'd like to come over for a holiday you'll sort out a holiday apartment or something?
If they weren't staying with you and under your feet in your territory it might sort out the problem and also they could mind your ds while you spend time with the new baby.

As for your second question, I'm only on dd1 at the mo so no advice there, sorry, but I also have no family support, all mine and dh's family live elsewhere and I have found having just one baby alone very hard.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

nearlythree · 28/07/2006 23:00

Btw our children are 7 wks, 2 and 4.

nearlythree · 28/07/2006 23:01

Oh, and there is always Homestart who can help with giving you a break.

cori · 28/07/2006 23:07

Hi potoroo
DH and I are from Australia also. So like you we have no family support nearby. We have just had our second baby. My first is four years old and DS 2 is 11 weeks. The age gap of four years has made the adjustment slightly easier i think, as DS one isquite independent. We also have a great relationship with our childminder which has helped a great deal.
The first few weeks were tough without a doubt, but they dont last forever,babes grow fast and add so much to your life that its soo worth the effort

Original poster

potoroo · 28/07/2006 23:07

Thanks for the suggestions. I think I'll get DH to explain to MIL (or it'll be my fault ) and will check out Homestart too.

OP posts:

flannelettepyjamas · 28/07/2006 23:28

I'd definitely suggest to them staying somewhere else.
You could send them details of local hotels, house swapping or house sitting depending on their budget. Or do you know anyone with an empty house/ flat at the time where they could stay.
If they are from Australia, a house swap could be an option - ther are always people wanting to go there ( or come here even - I live in Brisbane)
I'm 5 weeks preg with number 2, DD is 14 months old and I have PIL nearby but we are not really close enough that I could call on them in a panic so I understand your worries.
I'm sure we'll all be fine

Original poster

potoroo · 29/07/2006 13:09

I'm definitely going to check out hotels/B&B nearby. My parents should be okay because they can look after themselves. MIL is another matter - she wouldn't even go for a walk by herself when she was here last time.
Will check out what options are available anyway.
Might also keep DS in nursery for a few days a week, but we'll see how we go.
Having DS toilet trained before baby II sounds like an excellent idea. I shall investigate further (he is only 16 months so he is not particularly interested yet)

Cori,
Out of interest, did you plan to have kids here? DH and I only planned to stay in the UK for 2 years but 5 years later we are still here, and I think we might settle permanently (going for the citizenship test next month!)

OP posts:

quokka · 29/07/2006 13:47

I'm from Australia and have married a pom. Have 2 ds - one is 6 months and the other is 2.3yrs, and I have managed to quite well without my family helping. I do have DH family but somethng happens when you have kids, your relationship changes with the MIL! I think you need to be strong and tell them how you feel. Maybe they can come over seperately and stay in other accomodation, I'm sure they will understand?

If it helps I can say that you recover better after number two. Its like your body knows that you have another little one to look after so you just get on. I enjoyed my second DS2 so much more as I was much more relaxed! I also put ds1 in nursery 2 months before having ds2, which helped alot. I personally wouldn't try and potty train until you can have a conversation with your toddler, it will be so much easier!

quokka · 29/07/2006 14:00

Forgot to say that my family never came over, we went to Oz when DS2 was 5 weeks - can't remember it much, I was in a baby haze and jetlagged!

You know I thought I would meet lots of aussie mums here, but they're all young, travelling and childless!

cori · 29/07/2006 21:36

Quoka, how long have you lived here? What part of the country are you in? I am in London.

WestCountryLass · 29/07/2006 22:00

We don't have family nearby either and to be honest it is a question of getting on with it. There have been times when having someone to help out would have been great (like having to drag 2 kids to A & E or whatever) but most of the time it is fine.

So far as the family goes, when I had both of mine my Mum came when they were a few months old and that was fine. She'd have done my head in if she'd have come sooner to be honest. I think it would be more difficult in your case as your family have further to come, are there any other rellies they could stay with though?

quokka · 30/07/2006 08:16

Cori, I'm in London too, West London. How long have you been here?

quokka · 30/07/2006 08:20

Forgot to say how long I've been here! Just over 7 years, was just meant to be travelling through and was nearly on my way home when I meet dh! Where about in Oz are you from?

USAUKMum · 30/07/2006 09:36

I'm from the US and my in-laws are up in the lakes (we live near Stansted Airport ). My two are DD, 5, and DS, 2. Our first son was stillborn at 20 wks when dd was 2.5, so my mother came over to help us when DS was due. She stayed for 5 wks and it was the best. I had to be induced at 38 wks, but had already planned her to be there as my labours are quick (8 hrs, 4hrs & 1.5 hrs respectively) to look after DD. Though my in-laws came when DS was 4 wks and stayed at a hotel, and my dad came at 5 wks old, but stayed only 1 wk (left with my mom). I found it very helpful, as DD is a very active girl. If you get on with your mom like that I'd suggest it. My mother is very helpful (often cleans my oven when she comes, cooks, and whatever else I need -- Dad often does my garden.

Without nearby support (I get most from my friends) I found the larger gap (just over 3 yrs) good. As DD didn't need constant supervision. DS had colic from 8am - 8pm from 5 wks until about 5 mths. So needed that !

Good Luck

motherinferior · 30/07/2006 18:31

I've never had family around with either of my babies - really, it is quite possible. And I'm the absolute non-super-mum.

Agree that friends are better than family - the ones with kids saved my life last time!

cori · 31/07/2006 21:45

potoroo, when we got married (10 years ago) We did not plan to have children here. We went back to Australia in 1999, but it didnt work out so we found ourselves back here. DS 1 was born in 2002, we have now bought a flat here and my husband has his own buisness so i think we are here for good. Most of the time i am happy with that, I still love London and have never gotten 'over' living in europe.

I live in Harrow, North west London.

Quokka, let me know how the citizenship test goes. I have finally decided to apply too.
Where abouts in the country are you?

cori · 31/07/2006 21:46

I am from Newcastle NSW orignally

quokka · 01/08/2006 07:53

I'm in west London. Think you have me mixed up with protorro. I have a british passport from my dad so haven't had to worry about citizenship . I am from Perth WA, but have lived in Sydney and Melbourne also. I too am happy living here just hanker for home occaisionally! Don't have contact with any aussies over here so sometimes feel like I'm loosing my native tongue

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