1 to 2

[Wingebag]

I have a beautiful DD, just about to turn 1 & a dsd who is 13. I have always said I only wanted dsd + 1 as I am an only child & loved it, close to my parents & had a fab childhood. To my mind, dd will have the best of both - only child at home, but has a big sister who adores her (we see her once a month & school holidays as she lives hundreds of miles away).

Dh would like another. I LOVE children, always have, but I don't think I could cope with 2. Dh works long shift hours, I bf dd & when he went back to work I often didn't get more than an hours sleep a day for a week, then would catch 3 or 4 hours at the weekend whilst he cuddled her, she was all about cuddles & comfort
sucking. I would bf again, but I can't see how that would work with a toddler & newborn.

Due to both our ages we would have a second soon, so they would be close in age to dd - ideally when she is 2.5ish.

This has turned into a ramble, but what I'm really asking is how hard is it to have 2 when you are bf the newborn? I just can't see how it's physically possible - I rarely left the house when dd was tiny because I felt sick with tiredness all the time, housework just got left & I know that wouldn't be suitable for 2.

Disclaimer - I'm not saying bf is harder than ff, just that I was so tied with constant feeding and that is my only experience.

Well i ff so this might not be helpful.

ds1 is 2.4 and ds2 is 10 days old. Ds1 adores the baby but I'm finding it very hard work, and my dh isn't back at work until beginning of feb. I'm snappy with ds1 and was while pregnant as I'm so tired. I've heard it will get better, I'm just waiting for that.

as it is, ds2 feeds little and often so is constantly in my arms which restricts what i can do.

Thank you frying, I really want honest opinions, the bf is irrelevant really, i just have it as my only frame of reference, and have been told bf want to feed more often than ff? Eithe r way, babies are hard! Congrats on your little boy

DS1 was 3.9 yrs when DS2 came along so a bit older than 2.5 years and he was keen on having a sibling so was 'on board' which has made it much easier (I think).

DS2 is 7.5 months just now and still bfed and I've not found it a problem at all - there are times when DS1 has to entertain himself with the tv or toys but it's never for more than 10-15 minutes, and I've actually found it so much easier this time with 2, than I did with DS1 (DS2 is a totally different feeder from DS1 who wanted boob all the time - this has helped tremendously).

The first 6 weeks or so are harder and we had a few 'all nighters' with DS2 which were hard (he'd wake at 10pm and stay awake until 7am when DS1 got up...) but you get through it and they do nap so you get time to spend with your eldest. With DS1 being a bit older, he had 2.5 hours of preschool in the morning which was great as it gave me some nice 1:1 time.

To be honest, I'd go for a third now if i wasn't so old and if it didn't take me so long to conceive the first two...

I have a 17 month gap between mine and I'm not going to lie: the first few months were very hard (made harder by the fact that I was struggling with depression). I ff for several reasons and dd had reflux so fed at all hours during the day (luckily she slept very well during the night), was sick a lot and her feeding pattern was more or less unpredictable until she went on infant gaviscon at 12 weeks.
I found that it got easier as she hit every milestone: sitting up, weaning, rolling, crawling, feeding herself, walking; with each step towards independence it became less hectic and more enjoyable.
Now ds is 2.9 and dd is almost 1.4 and their relationship is great. They bicker and argue over toys and the sharing/taking turns thing does my head in but overall they love each other and entertain each other and it's lovely to see. It's only now that I'm enjoying it and not regretting having a 2nd child so soon.

It's hard, but for me not as hard as first time around.

DS is 3.5, DD 9m. Both EBF bottle refusers.

DS woke every 45 mins for 5m. He was almost constantly on the breast, took ages to feed, would only be off for half an hour and want to feed again. Needed to be held all the time, probably had reflux too with hindsight. He'd cry for ages. But we got to 7/8m and he started sleeping and being happy.

I wondered how in the world it was possible to look after a live wire toddler who's into everything and has amazing energy and a newborn. But along came DD. Bf was so so so much easier and faster. I thought I had no problems bf DS but DD would do a full feed in 5-10mins and settled happily at 98th centile on that so clearly getting enough! Apparently it's very common to have a better milk supply second time round.

She was very happy in the sling so she basically slotted in to whatever DS was doing. And I happily bf anywhere. I coslept from the start so we all had more sleep. Dd is also a much more content baby, partly nature, partly because I'm much more chilled out this time. It's actually lovely doing it a second time without feeling the pressure of having to do it all "right".

I needed a cleaner, but otherwise I don't have family help. The hardest bit is having to prioritise which child needs you most in that moment, and knowing the other is going to be unhappy having to wait. But I've no doubt it'll do them both good in the long run.

Positives are of course having another child, but also when you watch your two babies making each other laugh hysterically while you have no clue why, it makes you realise they are going to be a little team, hopefully for life. It makes my heart glow.

So the fears you have are understandable, but may not come true. And tbh, even if they did, it's only for a few short months and you've already learned that these things pass.

Good luck with your choice OP.

I'm following this as I'm in a similar situation to you OP. I would love another dc but dd was such a nap resistant, boob obsessed, refluxy, Velcro baby that I wonder how we would all cope doing that again, whilst also having a toddler to look after too. I'm in my late thirties so also need to decide pretty soon too.

Sorry, that's not really helpful to your original question. The one thing I can say though is that dd (now 14mths) has recently become very contented to play with her toys by herself for short periods and also likes to 'help' with things like sorting laundry and so her needs are much more manageable these days.

People keep telling me that the second one is often easier!

Great advice Barbery, thanks for posting.

0-1 was way harder than 1-2.

At least you know roughly what's coming. DD was just 2 when DS was born. DS was an incredibly clingy, constantly BF baby. It was hard work but it was ok.

They're now nearly 4 and 2 and it's lovely.

I had an 18 month gap between the first two. For me, 0-1 was harder than 1-2 but I don't think everyone feels the same.

I ebf and you just get on with it I guess. Actually, DS2 went to his first toddler group at about 5 days because I had to get DS1 out of the house. With DS1 I was rarely dressed before 11 until he was 6 months old.

DS2 was put in his cot for a sleep and he did. DS1 was still having his hand held to go to sleep at 3!

I think the emotional drain of not having a clue what I was doing first time round was the hardest thing for me. By the time we had DS3 it was a doddle BUT everyone is different and I'm not suggesting that you will automatically find it oh so easy, just that it will probably be a different experience to first time round.

I bf both of mine. My first would bf for hours on end, sometimes I literally didn't leave the sofa all day. My second had to learn to bf fast whenever she had the opportunity. You will cope, and no two babies are the same. That said I did find going from 1 to 2 very hard, but that was mainly from the guilt of not being able to give either dc 100 % iykwim?

I had a 2.5 year gap between mine and I was terrified because I found the first so so difficult. But as someone said above - I found 0-1 about 1 million times harder than 1-2. I actually haven't found 1 to 2 that hard at all to be honest. Because you have already adjusted to life with a baby and your first is still quite young, you are already in that zone. It was hard in the first few weeks and I made sure I had a lot of help with the 2.5 year old during the day so that I could cope with the baby, but the baby is now 8 months old and it's not much harder than when we just had the one. In fact, it's easier than when the first was just a baby and we only had him. I don't know why, it's just easier. I learnt a lot with the first, particularly regarding routines and sleeping and so I implemented a lot of things with my DD that I didn't do with my DS and it seems to have worked and made things more orderly.

I breastfed both although I mixed fed my DD. The best thing for me was introduced a bottle at around 10pm of formula or expressed milk which my DH would give her and that really allowed me some solid sleep right from the get go.

The baby is not yet old enough to play with the older one, but it's getting there and I can see already the benefits of a sibling. It's going to get much better I can tell, when they can start interacting more. The other day my DS made the baby laugh and he was laughing and she was laughing and they were both looking at each other. It was so lovely.

I really think because you know what you are doing, it is way way easier.

Good luck!

The transition from 1-2 is so much easier, you really just have to get on and do it. You don't have time to worry about the little things and DC2 just has to come along for the ride. I honestly haven't found bf DS2 tricky at all.

Sometimes DS1 watches cbeebies, sometimes we read a book. I would generally just feed whilst getting on with things. dS2 is feeding now whilst. Ds1 is eating & I'm on my phone.

If you want a second just do it, it's great. 2years between mine!

No personal experience but I have 5 friends who've gone from 1-2 in the last 6 months. Two of them say it's harder than 0-1.
A lot depends on the baby you get! Some EBF babies are more placid than others and actually nap after a feed, some (my one) don't.