Transitioning out of maternity leave - I am worried!

[dodi1978]

Hi

I've got a beautiful little boy aged 23 weeks. As things stand at the moment, I will go back at work at the end of April, when he'll be close to 9 months.

So more than half of my leave is now over, and I feel the clock is ticking down. And just the thought of having to leave him is starting to worry the hell out of me. It feels as if he was only born yesterday!

I love every second of my leave, I love doing lots of things with him (we go swimming together, meet the NCT mums and babies, do the odd playgroup, do buggy-fitness... and all of this will come to an end suddenly at the end of April. Just thinking about it really gives me a feeling of... bereavement! He will probably be in nursery a couple of days before I actually start back at work, time which I intend to shop for work clothes, but just the thought of not having him with me in town (the pram has been surgically attached to me since he was born) makes me sick!

You can guess that I am not one of these women who feel that they have lost a part of themselves when they became mums... rather the opposite!

So... any advice on how to make the transition easier? I am particularly annoyed by the fact that none of the activities we usually do together are offered on the weekend. I am also worried about loosing contact to my NCT group once we all go back to work (I won't be the first, but also not the last in my group of 8).

Plus, my husband and I are still working on renovating our house, so weekends are usually very busy anyway. I am worried about not spending any quality time at all with the little man!

Those of you who did return to work full time - how do you make sure you still have quality time together? My husband gets up for work at 5am, so my current idea is to get up with him, chop anything than can be chopped and prepared for dinner so that when we get home in the evening, I don't have to spend an hour cooking. Have any of you got other advice on how to make things easier?

Plus, I am of course also worried about how the little man will take the transition. At the moment, he is such an easy boy. Sleeps well both day and night, very settled and chilled. I am worried he won't stay like that. in particular as nine months is apparently the time when separation anxiety starts.

By the way, becoming a stay at home mum is not an option (even cutting down my hours isn't - I just haven't got the kind of job in which this is easily done) and actually, I think I would regret it in the long term.

Any thoughts, advice and hugs welcome :--((

What job do you do? Just because it's not easy it doesn't mean it's impossible?

I am a lecturer - for various reasons I would have to reduce my hours down to 75% in order to feel any easing up in my workload.

BUT: we need the money AND: students nowadays expect answers to e-mails within hours. I would still have to check my e-mails on my day off, there would be the odd meeting on my day off (nobody would care, as everybody else is full time and married to their job) etc.

So, it is not impossible, but the likely outcome is that I would do the same amount of hours for less money...

Slow cooker. Fire it all in before you go to work, put it on low and dinner is hot and ready when you get in.

(Also marking my place - I'm worried about this and I'm off til end September!)

Not uncommon when part time - I have a part time job which is anything but. However I really value the day at home.

Would a career change be an option?

Your feelings are completely natural OP, I felt exactly the same. You're bound to feel like a fish out of water for a bit, but you will settle and probably sooner than you think.

As far as your DS is concerned, he will adapt quite quickly too but be prepared for him to pick a variety of bugs initially whilst he builds up his immune system (I presume he's going to a nursery or childminder?). His sleeping may well be disturbed initially, but that too will settle. We were still co-sleeping when I went back to work which helped me in particular, but I appreciate you won't want to do this if it's not part of your normal routine.

There are still loads of activities available at the weekends, swimming for instance. However, the balance shifts a bit when you go back to work and tbh I didn't feel the pressure to do activities quite so much as when I was on maternity leave. Apart from swimming, we just pottered and enjoyed each others company. Don't worry about your NCT group. My Aunt still sees most of hers and her DC are in their mid-twenties! I think once people return to work they meet more for the parents to socialise than the babies and go out in the evenings. Then there will be all the 1st birthdays to celebrate!

Do you have a cleaner? If not, get one if you can afford it. Batch cooking is a good habit to get into too. Shop online, lighten the load in as many ways as you can. Your house renovation will still happen, but might be a bit slower. Like you say, you still want to spend time with your son. We often used to divide and conquer at weekends. DH would take the children to activities whilst I did something around the house and vice versa. We do lots as a family too.

Whatever you do and however you do it will entirely depend on you. You need to find your own routine, which may take a while, but you will be ok and so will your DS.

Aah I feel exactly the same! I am loving my mat leave although it is by no means easy. Me and my Ds ( 6 months) are barely ever apart and knowing I have to return to work in 4 months is terrifying me.

All I can say is many people have done it before us and left their dc's unscathed and many will after. I am lucky in Some respects that I'm going back part time and will be doing shifts so will still go to baby groups etc.

I've no advice I'm afraid but offer you and

Thanks everybody - I just really needed a good moan and cry! At the beginning of my leave, it just seemed endless... now it is ticking down! I'd happily go through labour tomorrow to have No 2!

I'm a lecturer too and have just started back full-time this week. I went back on a 0.5 contract when DD was 9 months; she's now 13 months.

I totally agree that it's simply not a job that can be done in part-time hours (or even full-time hours come to think of it ) BUT the one shining advantage is that the hours are flexible. My self-imposed pattern is Mon-Thu 7.30-4, plus Saturday, and an hour or so in the evenings to catch up on emails. That way, DD only needs to go to nursery 4 days, and with DH doing the drop-off, her day is only 8.30-4.30. Then we have our golden time 4.30-7 and all of Friday. Friday's a good time to catch up with NCTers and do a class if you like. As someone said upthread though, I don't fancy classes as much as before - time is precious and it's nice to be spontaneous or just play at home.

And if you start back in April, you should be pretty flexible not long afterwards throughout the summer.

Things that made the transition easier:

1. Finding a fantastic nursery. Knowing DD is happy there really eases the stress.
2. Having done lots of KIT days.
3. Having DH on board 50:50 with childcare and housework.
4. Lightening the load re housework: online shop, cleaner etc.
5. Setting myself a probationary period. If things aren;t working 3,6,12 months down the line, we'll have a rethink.
6. Keeping my eye on my next sabbatical as reassurance that my research WILL recover one day.
7. Keeping Sundays sacred family time.
8. Keeping my eye on inspirational mentors: other academic parents who make it work. Talk to them to pick up tips and support.

Good luck.

PS. YES to slow-cookers!

I felt exactly the same! When I first started back at work I sometimes used to jump off the bus and run to pick my daughter because I'd missed her so much! It does get easier though.

I'd agree with the above about a cleaner if you can afford it, shopping on-line and slow cooking. We also invested in a dishwasher for the first time - all of which frees up more family time.

Little rituals I enjoy in order to get more time together are taking DD out for tea at a cafe once a week and having a bath together most evenings after work.

I am a lecturer, currently on 0.8fte contract going down to 0.6 when I return from second mat leave later this year.
(Tiptoes away quietly)

Thank you all! Thanks in particular to those of you who are also lecturers!

I know that I am lucky in a sense to start back when the semester is more or less over, so I am hoping for a quiet summer. I am also hoping to get a sabbatical in the next winter term (although this would be spent writing my first book, and I am scared not to finish it!).

Unfortunately, taking an easy day during the weak and then catching up on Saturdays is not an option at the moment, as it is all hands on deck to renovate our house. That's why most of the housework is on me - DH works on the renovations evenings and on weekends!

But I will try to run a tight ship: yes to online shopping, will try slow cookers, cleaner if money allows (probably not - anything spare goes on house renovation), planning planning planning (who cooks and what - we are not very good at that at the moment)!

DH is applying for a new new job - if he could get flexible hours he could probably condense is working week into 4 days... which would help! Unfortunately, condensing my hours is also not really an option due to family finances...

Oh well, I am just quietly confident that it will all be ok!