Mornings - miserable

[bridalBOM]

Does anyone else have mornings which start out nice then defend in to screaming and shouting? I don't think I can bear it anymore. Not that I have a choice.

I feel sad that she will remember this when she's older as her daily experience. She's almost eight now and after years it's not getting any better. She's with her dad a couple of days a week so I feel happy that she has that time away from me but also sad that she seems happy to get ready round there and her time with me is so fraught.
It's usually something like not liking what she's wearing that sets her off. Then I'm just looking at the time, panicking we'll be late. I ask her nicely and calmly and remind her what she needs to do in bite sized instructions, but it doesn't work and the only time she actually gets ready is ten minutes before we leave and after a huge rant/shout/threat from me. I shout so loudly it's disgusting, but it is the only thing she responds to.
Then she feels bad and I get this sweet apologetic sucky up child that just makes me feel awful.

Sounds like she wants to be with you in the mornings. She doesn't want to go away and make her bed/get dressed by herself. She would rather you be shouting at her than getting yourself ready ignoring her [as she sees it] while she gets herself ready on her own. By creating such a hullaballoo she gets your attention.

Could you try saying, "I will come in and make your bed with you, help you get dressed/choose your clothes but one tantrum and you're on your own." ? ("and if you are not dressed then you go to school in your pyjamas" and see it through, with a bag of clothes secreted about your person in case she calls your bluff)

Take a few days of work, tell her what needs to be done, give her 10 min warning to leave, and if shes late its her fault, you wont be late, don't tll her you are not working and after the stress of the morning you can have nice coffee, make sure you take her into the class and tell the teacher she was late because she wouldn't get dressed, shes winding you up because she knows she can, and i would stop the getting dressed in your room, nobody needs and audience to get dressed she can talk to you when shes dressed.

I had the same argument with my 8yo this morning. The same one we have every day.

Same routine every weekday morning for 5 years. Her 4yo brother gets it, how come she can't remember what time we leave and be ready for then?

I can't help OP but i really feel for you!

Loads of great advice. I will dissect it all and see what I can change. Thanks so much for the support x

Reading with interest as my DS (age 4) is also a nightmare to get ready in the mornings. And he starts school in September....

I like nicename's approach.

What's worked well for me recently with my big two (7 and 9) is giving them a list of before breakfast and after breakfast jobs - and encouraging them to take responsibility to do them themselves.

Before breakfast:
Get dressed
Fold PJs
Make bed

After breakfast:
Teeth
Toilet
Shoes
Snack (they each have a week's snacks in a box and choose which one to take that day)
Piano practice
Coat on

They also know that breakfast really needs to start at 7.30 and be finished by 8 (in reality there is quite a lot of flexibility in this but it's good to have it to aim for) I don't worry too much about making the bed and piano doesn't always get done either.

What would happen if you told her breakfast is at x time, see you downstairs got yourself sorted and left her to dress herself?

DH also talks to them about there being time for a Bonus Play if they get ready quickly. Would that help? Maybe something nice she could do with you for 5mins if she gets a wriggle on?

Another thought would be to sit her down for a grownup chat about this. Tell her you don't like the mornings are at the moment and ask what she thinks? You could draw up a contract between the two of you - what she will do and what you will do - with perhaps a reward for both of you if you achieve it over the next x weeks? I've done this with ds over something completely different and it worked very well.

My advice was passed on by a teacher who had a lot of experience dealing with behaviour management.

It does work, and you don't nearly kill yourself in the process. You may get a few protests in the early days but ten minutes of crying/yelling and without the reaction they have been used to (you basically ignore it) it fizzles out and turns around to how they can get their pocket money.

It also gives the child a feeling of being grown up and control over something (that isn't driving mummy mad in the mornings). At this age they aren't your baby anymore!

You need to be firm too - don't ask her, tell her that you have decided (as the parent) that she will do x, y and z. Stick to the plan and don't negotiate! They do love praise too - not gushing but fair - so making the bed without being told is 2p in the piggy bank and a big hi-5, or whatever kids do these days.

This weekend, spend time with her examining every single thing she has by way of clothing -- underwear, socks, jumpers, jeans, hats, scarves, gloves, mittens, you name it - every . single . item in her drawers or wardrobe or closet.

If there is anything there that is scratchy, too tight, unacceptable in any teeny tiny way, take it and black bag it or bin it.

During the week, if she takes a dislike to any item of clothing including underwear or socks that was perfectly acceptable the night before, take it and bin it. Tell her to choose something else.

Do not replace the clothing automatically. Make it a condition of earning her clothes back that the nonsense over getting dressed stops and is never repeated. One item per day of successfully getting out the door, dressed and ready by X time. So she might take a week to earn five pairs of socks. She can go with you to buy the socks, etc., and check what you buy for acceptability.

Do you have any other time besides the mornings the two of you could spend some nice time together?