advice please

[worriedmummy35]

I am a mummy of 10 and a half year old wonderful boy. I split from his dad a few years ago and he still has contact with him but not a very close relationship. Ive recently been contacted by a woman who told me she had a fling with my ex when my son was very young and she also has a son with him who is 7 years old. I have now learned that alot off people I thought were like family to me knew about this and my ex has even provided for this boy for number of years (which he obviously should) but still never told me or more importantly my son about his brother. My feelings are very hurt but I now need to somehow explain this to my boy. Help!

Ah bless you that sounds tough, and what a cowardly approach your ex took. He should have been upfront about it from the start and acted like a man. I would exercise caution now and take your time approaching this situation. You don't need to tell your son this very moment - after all, he has had 10 years without the knowledge of this half-brother, another few weeks will make no difference. I would take your time gathering the facts, meet with the other woman and discuss what she wants from you and your son - does she simply feel they should know the truth, or does she want a lot of involvement with your son - what are her motives? Personally I think you need to be honest with your son and tell him anything he wishes to know. He needs to know that he can trust you. I wouldn't leap immediately into a full-on relationship with the other boy and his mum straight away. You have no idea what they are like and how she has brought him up, and if they would be a good or bad influence upon your son's life at this impressionable age. I would meet her first, then gently break the news to your son, and allow him to decide if he would like to meet his half-brother and make sure that he doesn't feel pushed into it and can take his time. If you're not keen on their values or behaviour, then still allow some contact but don't instantly treat them like long lost members of the family. I'm no expert by any means, just offering what I think I would do. All the best. x

Thankyou so much for your help. I have taken alot of good points from your reply. I also feel my ex has been a utter coward about this entire situation. Ive contacted him today to tell him that im going to speak to our son at end of this week and that I think its obviously in our sons best interests that we approach this together but he has chosen not to even reply. The other woman lives at other end of country and we have communicated via email and talked on phone once. Her son has apparently always been told of his older brother and she has said would hope they could maybe meet one day or try to build a relationship slowly over time. I feel no pressure from her and I certainly wont be pushing my son to do anything. Though I feel he deserves choice. I have to keep reminding myself that I love my boy far more than I cant stand my ex and cannot hurt my son to hurt my ex. I like your point of telling my son that I will always be honest with him and will answer any questions he has as openly as I can. Thankyou so much. I have never felt so alone and have taken great comfort from this.