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what am I doing wrong? please help

20 replies

susan1989 · 10/01/2014 19:03

im a first time mum and my dd is nearly 9 weeks old. almost every single waking moment she cries and gets herself in a very distressed state. Sometimes she settles when being picked up and other times nothing can console her. I've tried letting her cry it out and touch her belly and hold her hand to reassure her im still there (as advised by hv) I always try interact with her with toys, pulling faces and doing noises, she does laugh and smile for about an hour a day and that's it! I don't know what to do and feel like im failing her. please can anyone help? xx

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
IDismyname · 10/01/2014 19:08

You are not doing anything wrong. You're being a fabulous mum. Your dd is very young, still. Is she sleeping during the day and or at night? Are you sleeping, too? I'm guessing you've talked to the hv about this?

dannydyerismydad · 10/01/2014 19:13

Newborns are strange and mysterious and very hard work. Most crave close body contact much of the time - after all they spent 9 months physically being part of you and they don't much like the big change.

Do you have a sling? Your baby may be much more comforted being in a sling, as they will get the warmth and closeness they crave and will be held in a more upright position which is soothing (many new babies have reflux and lying down isn't comfortable for all of them). Try a stretchy wrap like the Moby, or something like the Caboo. The baby Bjorns aren't great for your back or baby's posture.

You're doing great. Babies are terrifying sometimes!

PeanutPatty · 10/01/2014 19:15

I'd also suggest a sling too. Close Caboo is easy and v comfortable for mum/baby and ergonomically correct too. Has the HV checked for reflux?

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Eletheomel · 10/01/2014 19:21

She sounds like a normal 9 week old baby to me - babies do cry, and in the first 3 months a lot of babies cry a lot (DS1 had colic and required almost constant attention the first 3 months, we could stop him crying by carrying him, jogging on the spot holding him, cradle rocking him or singing to him, but the second we stopped doing this, he'd cry).

Sometimes you can calm them down, other times you just need to hold them and let them cry whilst knowing you're doing the best you can. Even if you're holding her and she's crying, she knows you're there for her - you know yourself its better to cry with someone rubbing your shoulder than in a room on your own.

I don't know if your HV told you to let her 'cry it out' but she is far too young at 9 weeks for this approach. She's an infant, she needs snuggled and cuddled and carried about and sung to, and most of all she needs comfort and reassurance from her carer that she is loved.

Cry it out isn't recommended until a baby is at least 6 months old, and even then it will vary from baby to baby.

Babies are hard work, especially babies under 3 months, but trust me, you don't have long to go before it will start getting much easier - trust yourself - and give yourself a break - everyone's baby is unique - some babies are text book easy and seem to do everything effortlessly (and their mums will crow about this) others are hard work and they drive you to the brink of exhaustion (many mums are fearful to admit this, so often you get a biased view and think babies that cry a lot, sleep badly and need lots of comfort are 'odd' whereas they're pretty common - their parents just don't talk about it as much).

An hour of smiles a day at 9 weeks is fantastic - you're clearly doing something right :-)

susan1989 · 10/01/2014 19:30

thank you for your comments they are very reassuring. the hv said to let her cry it out but to keep going up to her and rubbing her belly. she has had colic and im giving her infacol and doing the massages. I do have a sling so that is something I will try Grin she loves her baths, I bath her every night and give her a bottle (I was bf but I stopped producing milk, I was expressing 40 fl oz a day as she wouldn't latch on) and this is when she started the constant crying but bath and bottle settle her very well and wakes for a feed and around 3:30 onwards. when I can finally find a swimming costume for her I will take her swimming hopefully this will make her happy too Grin thank you so much for your comments, ive stopped crying myself now lol xx

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dannydyerismydad · 10/01/2014 19:39

Ignore the health visitor and pick the baby up! She's too tiny for any kind of controlled crying or crying out. She could be crawling as early as 2 months time - get in all the cuddles you can now before your baby is off exploring without you!

Has the crying and colic coincided with the switch to formula? Perhaps you might want to try a different brand of formula in case it's making her uncomfortable?

Problems latching are often down to tongue tie (which is so frequently missed by professionals). Tongue tie and reflux so often go hand in hand, so being carried in a sling will really help, if that's the problem.

It's all trial and error at this stage. Try and get out for a walk in the fresh air (when it isn't raining), and be kind to yourself with tea and cake. Babies like people watching too - you're more likely to get tea and cake in a cafe than peace and quiet eating them at home.

dannydyerismydad · 10/01/2014 19:41

And try finding some nice new parent groups - see if NCT run anything in your area (you don't need to have gone to their antenatal classes or be a member - their groups are for everyone), or head to your local children's centre. Be honest with other mums - I almost guarantee that other mums will be going through the same thing. It's often easier to deal with when you know your baby is normal and you're not alone.

susan1989 · 10/01/2014 20:17

I will look into the NCT groups once dd is bathed, fed and asleep. the colic was when she was on b milk through a bottle and crying since started on formulating, I've tried all 3 and cow&gate seems to be what she prefers Smile xx

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dannydyerismydad · 10/01/2014 20:31

Colic is a funny thing. It's basically medical terminology for "your baby is crying and we don't know what's wrong with her". The good news is that it clears up as swiftly as it arrived. Suddenly you and your baby will get into a bedtime rhythm and it won't happen any more.

Colic cab sometimes be linked to over tiredness. Trying to sooth her to sleep so that she's asleep no more than 2 hours after she woke can help. Music can be soothing (for baby and you).

Jaffakake · 10/01/2014 20:32

Keep going, you're doing a great job. Little ones are indeed mysterious beings & all you can do is keep guessing what they want. Everyone gets to understand more of what little ones want & their favourite things like cuddle or rock positions as time ticks by. It's like they're a puzzle to be solved.

If you can't find a costume just stick a swim nappy on her & go swimming. Just don't stay in too long as she'll get cold. Swim wraps made of neoprene are great, but not essential. They just mean you can stay in the water longer.

PeanutPatty · 10/01/2014 22:50

We had colic from Wk3 til around Wk12 which is classic timings. Ignore your HV. How ridiculous. If you can't find any NCT groups check out your local Sure Start Children's Centre as they will probably have a Baby Club or Baby Massage.

wispa31 · 12/01/2014 08:47

Look up a youtube vid called 'happiest baby on the block' my dp had googled about crying baby when ds was newborn, very colicky and hard to settle. His advice made sense!
And google somrthing called a 'woombie' its for swaddling. Fuckin great job that! Hth

wispa31 · 12/01/2014 08:50

And you are defo not doing anything wrong!! I could have written your post myself! It will get easier!

waterrat · 12/01/2014 09:23

Think Hv is very inappropriate and strange for suggesting that you let a 9 week old cry without picking up - I think the idea of the third trimester is good - you can read more in te book
Mentioned above happiest baby on the block

It basically says that babies are born too early to really understand thy are separate to their mums - your 9 week old can hardly see further than a foot or so - when you don't pick her up she doesn't know where you are and she had evolved over tens of thousands of years to cry when she can't feel your heartbeat or your arms - so that you keep her safe when she is tiny and vulnerable

I used a cloth sling there are lots of types - moby is good or the ergo - just carry and cuddle a lot - they really do get easier to put down as they can see further and also use their hands so they can play with a toy while in the cot

So by 4/5 months you will see a difference thn it also gets easier when thy can sit up at 6 months

It all changes so quickly you are doing brilliantly !

dannydyerismydad · 12/01/2014 09:27

Your DP can also try giving skin to skin - it really works for some babies to get the warmth and comfort from someone other than mum.

I had a list I worked through:
Hungry?
Dirty nappy?
In pain?
Too hot?
Too cold?
Wants a cuddle?
Wants to be put down?
Wants to listen to music/white noise?

I'd work my way down the list, taking at least 15 minutes over most options. Usually the first pass down the list resulted in nothing, because he didn't know what he wanted either. By the second time down the list he was usually hungry, or had filled his nappy. I felt like I'd done something useful, and he seemed to calm down.

You're doing great x

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/01/2014 09:31

It sounds like colic. Unless you have had a colic-y baby you have no idea how distressing it is. Hugs OP. Do you have a relative or OH who can give you a break in the day time?

Iworrymyselftosleep · 12/01/2014 09:40

I would try cuddling her a lot. DS was prem and colicky an cried almost c

Iworrymyselftosleep · 12/01/2014 09:42

Ahem sorry cried almost constantly. The only thing that worked was cuddling him. He barely slept. It did get better but he was a baby who craved that close contact and I couldn't change that. HV sounds dreadful - I'm quite certain cry it out isn't recommended for such young babies Sad

susan1989 · 13/01/2014 17:00

I'll look into 'happiest baby on the block' tonight when dd is in bed. The sling and cuddles have worked wonders. Still quite a bit.of whinging but nothing like before! and I can get some jobs done during the day instead of staying up until about 12/1 am! bliss. thanks for all your help Grin xx

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dannydyerismydad · 13/01/2014 17:39

So glad you've had a better day.

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