Preschooler feelings around newborn sibling - your experience

[YoshimiB]

I am 7 mnths pregnant and I'm thinking (probably overthinking!) about how DS, who will be 4yo when baby is born, will feel. I've watched a number of his little friends with new siblings and have felt very sorry for them. Its so hard for little people to stop being the centre of the world. DS was devastated when we told him about the new baby, although has since relaxed a lot about it. I think he just understood what a big change it will be for him.

I worry about breastfeeding and am considering only bf new baby for very short time. And wearing baby in a sling etc. All the things which I loved with DS I'm now worried will leave him feeling lonely/excluded.

I even considered giving birth alone as I think I would be most relaxed knowing DS is with DH. DH pretty much said no as he doesn't want to miss the birth.

Sorry for lengthy post! Would really like to hear your thoughts/experiences.

DS1 was 3.9 years old when I had DS2, 7 months ago and I have to say he's coped remarkably well since DS2 arrived. We told him about the pregnancy when I was 5 months gone and stressed that he was getting a sibling rather than me having a new baby. Not sure if that made any difference, but he's always referred to dS2 as his baby and was so keen to take him off to playgroup to show him off to all his friends.

I think part of him liked the attention DS2 got because he thought it sort of reflected on him, since he had ownership if you know what I mean.

I'm still bfeeding DS2 so that hasn't been a problem at all (it has helped that DS2 hasn't been quite the milk monster that DS1 was...)

We got DS1 a present from the baby when it arrived (big tub of lego - he was well chuffed) and we let him open all the baby gifts and a lot of people got him little things too, so the initial phase was fine.

Since then it was just finding a routine that worked for us. I promised DS1 that whenever DS2 went for a nap I'd play with him. This has meant my house is a tip and tea's have to be made at night or rushed on the day, but it has ensured that DS1 still gets 1:1 time everyday, and he's not showed any resentment towards the baby at all.

Early doors I'd try and read a book or play dominoes with DS1 while bfeeding, but shortly after that, DS1 was happy to entertain himself while feeding was ongoing or I'd put on a DVD for him (he doesn't watch that much telly, so this was a bit of a treat).

I didnt' wear a sling much with DS2 or DS1, but DS1 was keen for me to wear the carrier I had as he wanted to see the baby in it!

He gets upset with me and DH at times that we're not playing with him (as now I might be makign tea and DH is looking after the baby) but this has never been transferred onto him not liking DS2.

We've also focused on DS1 being a 'big brother' and what a lucky boy DS2 is to have such a good big brother and he revels in that role. We were perhaps lucky though as DS1 has volunteered to look through his old baby toys to give to DS2 and was always commenting when I was pregnant that since his wellies were too small now, the baby could have them - other friends siblings haven't been as generous to their new arrivals, so personalities are probably a key thing here. I think it helped that most of DS1's friends have siblings so he felt a bit left out being a singleton, so he was pleased to have teh baby as he said it was going to be his friend and play with him when it's older. We didn't do much to make him have this viewpoint, think it was just the way he felt (as I said, I think we were lucky).

RE: birth - I also didnt' want DS1 'sent away' for the birth (he's never stayed overnight without either of us) so our plan was DH and DS1 went to stay with the inlaws (30 mins trip from hospital) when I went in (induction so was in hospital for 4 days) and DH would visit me then go home at the end of visiting hours until the actual labour. So the inlaws dit he bedtime routines but DH was always there in his room overnight (worked for us).

You'll find it will work out, even friends whose siblings have been a bit resentful initially, tend to warm to the babies once they get to 10 weeks or so and start smiling and responding to things (when they're newborn they're just boring!)

Ds1 was nearly 4yo when dd2 was born. He has utterly adored her from the start. A neighbour babysat when I went into labour but actually my labour was so quick it wasn't for long! Dd2 "bought" ds1 a present when she was born to say she was looking forward to being his little sister. She got him a wooden toolkit and builder's vest, which helped when ds1 came into hospital to meet her for the first time, as he also had something new to play with. I would definitely recommend the baby giving your ds a gift!

Survival tips which helped me: a temporary excess of Cbeebies / disney dvds while I fed the baby, so we could all sit together and watch. Or I would read a story if ds1 would hold the book. Getting out and about lots - I found a small local play centre which was ideal as it was small enough that I could see ds and not have to keep getting up, and not so loud that dd2 wouldn't nap or feed. And ds never felt that I was fobbing him off by not playing with him myself - he was just delighted to go to soft play. I also stuck to the thinking that dd2 would not remember that time, whereas ds1 would. That meant I did let her cry at times while I made sure ds1 got his bedtime story and didn't feel rushed into bed. It was hard not going to her straight away but worth it for not making ds1 feel pushed out, I think. And obviously I didn't leave her for long.

It's a good age gap, I found. Ds1 proudly brings school friends up to dd2 in her pushchair and introduces them to his little sister ("Isn't she cute?!" He cuddles her when she cries and brings her toys, and tells her not to cry, "We love you very much!" I was worried too how he would take to her, but seeing them together melts my heart!

Thank you both. Really encouraging and lots to think about.

DS was almost 3 when dd arrived, so a bit younger than yours but I worried about some of the same things. Dd is 8m now and they adore each other. Watching them laugh at each other is priceless.

Things that helped:
Loads of prep about babies, explain that all they can do is cry/feed/sleep and it's a bit boring for them and us, it'll be a long time before the baby is any fun. Whereas he can play, run, chat, watch tv etc...much more fun.

Explain about bf and have a basket of special magazines/books/toys that you can do with him only when bf. I was v worried about bf as had spent hours on the sofa with DS, but he took an hour to feed, dd v luckily would feed in under 10 mins, and much more effectively. I've just finished bf at 8m and it's never been an issue for DS.

Spend the last month of your pg doing quiet play rather than "making the most of the time left" to go out and do exciting things. I was forced into this with spd but it helped loads that DS didn't see dd as the reason why all the fun stopped.

It's going to be his job to teach her the fun stuff, like how to smile (DS took this v seriously and was so very proud when she did her first smile!) how to laugh, sit, walk, jump...

Involving him in as much as possible - he helped pick out some soft toys and clothes for her, and once she was here he chose her outfits for the day, fetched nappies, brought me drinks of water. Always got DS to introduce the new baby to visitors, so he could show her off and it meant he got the first attention too.

Giving DS a toy from dd was a great help. Also, when DS comes for the first visit, do NOT be holding your new baby. I got DH to text on arrival so I could put her down, even if screaming and focus on DS, who had clearly missed me.

Plan for the birth, DS was prepped about waking up to find someone else looking after him. Not needed in the end as dd was very obliging and waited for nursery to open for labour to hot up and dd born before lunch, so DS never knew any different. I have been the babysitter for a friend too and her toddler came to stay with her parents in the room she'd be sleeping in a couple of weeks before due date. Really helped her for when she came to stay.

Survival: agree above re cbeebies, disney films, soft play. Let go any guilt now about tv, it's your friend. Just watch with him whilst feeding etc. Do not stop nursery/preschool attendance. Get a cleaner if poss. Take any help offered (and it's offered a lot less second time around) but don't let it always be to take DS away to play. Lower your standards even further than with your first!

The thing we did wrong was underestimate the impact of school. Dd was born in April, DS was great with her if a bit more demanding. He started preschool in sept and this additional upheaval and massive tiredness sent his behaviour off including with dd. Nothing dreadful, but over enthusiastic pulling cuddling and such like, also wanting to be babied including regressing with wanting to be fed. He was clearly upset and insecure. I thought were were home and dry by then but I underestimated the time the adjustment would take and with hindsight I should have been more careful to give him 1to1 attention in the long term, not just for a few months.

Sorry just realised how long this is, will shut up now!!

Thanks for this. Thinking about number 2 whilst number 1 is already 2.5 yrs. it's nice to hear about it all being ok!

Reading with interest - DC2 will be born when DD is 3.11. So far, she seems happy enough and is telling everyone that she's going to be a big sister, but she also keeps asking "is the baby coming out tomorrow?". Err, no, it will be summer, so I feel we need to cut back the baby chat for a bit.

All great tips above, thanks.

My DD was quite a bit younger when DS was born (2.5) and there were times when she would ask to sit on my knee when he was feeding etc.

Of course there has been some jealousy and nowadays (he is 2 now and she is 4.5) some annoyance if he grabs her stuff etc. But she has never ever hit him or anything like that and by and large is very tolerant about sharing her things and accepting that he is younger and doesn't know much about sharing.

The dominant feature really has been her delight in him. She thinks he is hilarious and I think feels quite motherly towards him. When he learns new things or does something funny she really laughs and I can see her pride in her little brother.

Its lovely! Its certainly not definite that your DS will react very negatively, although it is true that some children do.

Watching with interest, dc2 is due in April, when ds will be 3.5. He is so affectionate with my bump and really looking forward to being a big brother, I just hope that the reality lives up to his expectations.

Some helpful tips here, thank you.

I am so glad I asked. I'm finding this really helpful. Thank you.

DD was 4 when DS arrived.
She started school when he was 3 months. I was really worried about her feeling pushed out but it was fine.
I think from your post you are underestimating how much you will love the new baby too eg I bet you won't want to cut short breast feeding once they are here.
I did worry I wouldn't feel the same love for DS as I had for DD but of course as soon as he was here I loved him straight away.

I've found it a lovely age gap on the whole. She always wanted a baby and her new school friends were quite jealous of her. He was like a baby doll or a pet to them! She loved to show him off and tiny babies are happy to go along that.

I bf him to a year just as I had done for her and I wore him in a sling almost constantly. This actually made life loads easier for us all as he loved to be close to me so didn't cry and I had hands free to do stuff with DD. I found that I could still have most of my attention on her to read or play a board game or just cuddle whilst feeding. If he was napping I made sure to spend quality time with DD. I caught up on sleep whilst she was at school.

The newborn/ baby stage was fine. It was later when he started to walk it got harder as I had to supervise him a lot and help him with things which she was jealous of. They're 6 and 2 now and I notice she asks me to do stuff like help dress her or cut up her food just because he has it done for him. Sometimes I indulge her or I try to give attention in other ways.

I was also not prepared that he is jealous of her now and will always come and muscle in if I am cuddling her. Also you have to be a bit careful of other people, friends and family who coo over the gorgeous baby or cute toddler and leave the older one out.

There are a lot of good things. It makes me melt when I see them cuddling together or sharing a game. When we go to pick her up from school he runs over to give her a big hug. She teaches him things like how to do a jigsaw puzzle. I don't think that on the whole she would be without him now.

I was surprised how well it worked with ds who was 3.7 when dd born. Helped that his two best friends had little brothers so meant we were getting a baby too just like them (we said "a baby at our house" rather than 'sister' as he didn't like the sound of a sister, and all books we had about little siblings were brothers. I figured a baby was a baby!)

I had a horrible pregnancy so actually it was better for spending more time with ds once dd was born - did a lot of reading whatever book he wanted while bfing, taking him to the playground with dd in a sling, and going to a small soft play that he had almost to himself while I snoozed on a sofa with dd. Very glad I mastered the sling with her, until she was 9 months.

I found it helped to tell both of them to wait their turn, so oblivious baby would often be told I was doing something for ds now, lots of telling ds he would have to get used to tidying up his Lego so dd wouldn't one day come eat it, tell ds every time he was having something nice that she was too small for (he would gleefully wave icecreams at her singing 'you can't have one, you're too small'), and also telling him and many toddlers that babies really like their feet being tickled. Actually the babies don't care but it meant ds and others thought they were being helpful and it didn't risk dd being hurt!

I did prime all visitors to talk to him first rather than coo over baby, and point out that asking "so how do you like your new sister" didn't count - "what's your favourite dinosaur/Octonaut" would be much better! There were a couple moments when clearly what he wanted to say was "stop going on about the bloody baby, she's ok but not all that"

As soon as she could sit up it was clear she worshipped him - which is mostly good. She clearly sees him as a more relevant role model. I wanted a smaller age gap but I think it's worked really well.