In laws and stupid comments - body image

[ratqueen]

Hi, my FIL has a habit of saying things to my adorable three year old girl like 'look at your big fat tummy' (she withholds poo which is why it is bigger than the rest of her), and 'if you eat your tea you can be big and fat like me'.

Apart from my blood boiling, should I be worried about comments like this? If we told him to stop he'd probably do it more because he is delightful like that.

Depends what he's like the rest of the time, seems fairly innocuous to me in isolation.

I'm guessing there are other issues though with your "delightful" comment.

It depends if she's taking it to heart, but my df used to make comments like that and still does and it used to really really upset me, especially when I became anorexic to please him an he still said it..

If you think mentioning it will make it worse is there any way you could maybe withdraw contact slightly? :(

Tents I am sorry to hear that . That kind of thing is what I am worried about. A friend of mine's dad used to say she was fat when we were teenagers (she was a size eight if that) and she used to run around a field every morning, and still has issues with eating. Bursting into tears at restaurants etc.

Thing is he 'loves winding people up' (as he often gleefully says). In fact he probably says it to wind ME up.

I guess I am wondering if there is anything we can do as parents to counteract his comments, if we can't stop him saying them. I should mention that my FIL is quite racist too . I would basically like her to grow up ignoring most things he says!

I keep telling my son about his big fat tummy... but that's because he's 13 weeks and he really does have a big fat tummy.

Is he saying these things in a jokey manner? like a little teasing? I think this might just be something that us males are a little guilty of.

Maybe ask him to substitute the word fat for chubby?

As for asking him to stop and he doesn't... I'd say either stop, or don't see your granddaughter... whichever he thinks is more important to him. people like that do annoy me (when you ask them to stop doing something and they just do it more), especially if they know it's a big thing for you.

You can look at it from the point of view of "it's just a tiny thing that I shouldn't be so uncomfortable about" OR you can view it from the "It's just a tiny thing so why won't he stop even though he knows it pisses me off"

Swings And/Or roundabouts

I think there's a difference between a grandparent saying it and a parent, though.

With grandparents we can temper what they say when we get our children home and most children will make allowances that what is acceptable in the grandparents' home, doesn't necessarily apply in their own home.

Not saying it's right but as she gets older you can use opportunities such as this to educate her on racism or whatever. Nothing wrong with you telling your FIL to stop the comments of course but I suspect that will have the opposite effect.

What does your husband say?

It sounds affectionate to me.

PILs used to tell DS he had the. "Best belly in the world" when he was 2-3, as tots have those adorable pot bellies ( by 4-5 they are usually gone).

I would not make a big deal out of it at this age

My mother does it to my daughter. I hate it because she used to do it to me and I know that it affected how I saw myself. I have said stop to her and she did for a while but it's crept in again. You've reminded me to stamp on it.

I suppose he is joking DaddyThunder and I have joked about my babies' tummies before but she is almost four now and I can't imagine why her telling him proudly that she ate all her dinner (including courgettes) would prompt him to suggest, even in jest, that she will be fat, as one day she will know what that means and connect the two things.

My DH's brother is a psychologist and has said to him before 'don't say that, she'll get a complex'.

I should also mention that seven years on holiday, he said I had a fat arse (I am a size 12). We haven't been on holiday with him since despite being invited so I suppose I do already withdraw contact a bit.

DH doesn't think it's good either and has said he will say something if he does it again. He did say something once when she was about one, but now she is older I am even more concerned about it (even if I am possibly overreacting).

I couldn't stop them seeing her completely as my MIL is lovely and he isn't all bad. It's just these sort of comments I can't stand.

JeanSeberg using his comments as an opportunity to educate about racism etc is a good idea. I think I am going to need to do that.

It's a horrible bridge to cross, there is teasing (saying "oooh look at that podgy tummy" tickling the tummy and making everything fun...)

But if he's saying it in the same way you would "tease" an adult... that's not going to help the kid...

Maybe have a work with MIL and ask her to put her foot down with him? Everybody knows the women control the rules...

My dh's aunt commented on my dd last time we saw her. dd is 10, has just started the run up to puberty & has a little tummy on her at times.

I shot her down so quickly! I wanted it known that she is not to start with the weight comments because dd is an age where all this is starting to be come part of her world & I don't want her having negative messages thrown at her.

So no, I don't think it is acceptable at all!

like a little teasing? Trouble is, in my experience, if not nipped in the bud, this type of 'teasing' continues until they are teens. Teasing isn't always harmless.

Doesn't sound like he is saying it in a nasty way. Your daughter is not with him all the time so its not as if she is getting 'bad messages' constantly and he is teasing
I think we worry far too much these days about everything we say to children.
Kids have to learn to deal with all sorts of comments as they grow up and I can't see what your FiL is saying will do any real harm.

I know kids have to learn to deal with all sorts of comments but I think that the basis for being able to do that well is surely that all the people who are at all influential do not give out negative messages about things like body image.

He said the word 'big' about four times while trying to make his hilarious comment yesterday. If teasing, he was careful to make sure it was heard!

My nana always used to make passive aggressive comments when I was a kid, "oo you look lovely, you only need to lose a few pounds and you'll be fine". It did affect me, I wasn't fat in the slightest, but always felt that I was, despite my lovely DM telling me I was perfect.

Tell him to stfu and get some manners, or better still, if he's an in-law get your DH to tell him he needs to stop making critical comments about his dd otherwise you're not visiting again. Just because he's a fat arsehole doesn't give him the right to tell other people that they're fat.

Am laughing at your last comment Lynda! I would so love to say that.

I am sorry to hear that, and can relate as I know I took on board comments like that as a girl too, which is probably why it has enraged me. It only takes one person whose opinion you take note of to make you feel bad about yourself. My DD is sharp as a razor and it will have gone in.