Depression with a toddler?

[debbiedowner84]

I could really do with some advice.

Has anyone been in the position of suffering from depression with a defiant toddler? Any tips on ways to improve life for both of us?

I'm currently feeling very down. This has coincided with DS (20 months) going through a sleep regression (previously great sleeper, now resists any day time nap unless in car and bedtime is often unpredictable/stressful) and is saying 'no' to just about anything I say we are doing or I would like him to do (nappy change, getting dressed etc). He spends any time at home going from room to room pulling out cupboard contents and destroying everything in his path. He often doesn't want to go in the pram, car seat or high chair and screaming fits ensue. In the last few months I've had flu, he's had chicken pox, something resembling croup which went on for weeks and a couple of minor colds. Now he has a rash all over his body and round his mouth which must be something he's eaten or a chemical he's come into contact with. I'm finding the housework and illnesses relentless and draining.

I tried anti-depressants for 2 full months and felt zero difference but suffered some side effects. I increased the dose twice in this time. I don't think it's worth trying them again.

DS now does 2 mornings a week at nursery and we go to playgroups 2-3 mornings each week. I would like a cleaner for maybe 1 hour each week but am struggling to find one.

What else can I do? I feel hopeless about the future. We had always wanted 2 children but that idea seems ridiculous now. My relationship with DH is at rock bottom and I foresee separation by the time DS is 5 or 6. My confidence and self esteem are low. My health is poor. Life is a drag. I would love some advice/ideas/tips/kind words...

x

Ive been through depression and it's shit. That feeling of dread at the start of every day; the thought of every day merging into the next with nothing really to look forward to and nothing to offer - at least that's how I felt.
I was referred by the hv to right steps mental health services and had interpersonal therapy which helped a great deal: would something like that be of any use to you?
Practical tips for dealing with a defiant toddler (even though my own pair sometimes run rings around me):

• Count down to something he doesn't want to do - give a 5 minute warning, then a 1 minute then do it. A sand timer might help - something visual that he can relate to.
• Give meaningful praise for everything he does that's good and a small, immediate reward such as a stamp or sticker.
• Ignore the behaviour that doesn't really matter - pick your battles and make sure you win them all.
• Have a quiet space for a bit of time out. I know that 20 mo is a bit young for time out proper but it takes him, and you, out of the situation and gives you both time to calm down.
• 123 magic works well sometimes in that if he's doing something wrong, such as running around the house trashing the place, give a warning/immediate, small consequence - such as temporarily taking a favourite toy away - then count slowly, sternly to 3. By the time you get to 3 carry out that threat. Repeat repeat repeat until he gets the idea. Eventually you should only get to 1 and that'll be enough.
• Block the rooms you don't want him to access using stair gates or bolts on the doors and keep him contained in just one or two safe spaces.
• Sod the housework for now - you have to get on top of your ds' behaviour first. Is your husband willing and able to pick up the slack?
• Have you considered going on a parenting course if there are any available in your area? They could help you with more personal tips and strategies that might work.

Look after yourself and don't be afraid to put yourself first sometimes. Make sure you eat well and have enough time to get showered and dressed everyday; when I was depressed all I wanted to do was stay in my PJs all day and eat crap but that only served to make me feel worse.

In my kids' bedrooms I attached the cupboards and drawers to the wall to prevent them being pulled over - you can get special straps that they use to stop furniture toppling over during earthquakes - and then used a large strap from halfords ( this one ) to prevent them opening and emptying the drawers.
I then put a stair gate across the doors and made the rooms nice and cosy with a reading area and a toy box with toys that are rotated every so often - in other words their bedrooms are nice, safe places for them to go and play for a while as I either have a cuppa or get on with housework. Would this be a possibility?

Wrt him saying no to everything: would giving him a choice work? Ie which socks are you going to put on? Which trousers? Get me a nappy out please, where are we going to do your bum? Either that or would bribery work - when we've changed your nappy then we'll have a biscuit. When you're dressed then we'll go in the garden. When you're in the pram then you cam have this special sticker.
Wrt the pram: have you considered one of those toddler trike things that you can steer with the long handle and he can peddle? Not great for carting shopping about but defo makes going for a long walk less traumatic!

Anyway, I won't clog up your thread any more; I'm sure more competent and experienced people will be along soon with better advice than mine. I just didn't want to leave you unanswered .

Thank you so much for all that advice. And yes, I feel exactly as you describe - every day the same, merging into the next, nothing to look forward to.

I've been picking my battles as you suggested and becoming more competent at doing so. I currently let a lot slide as I feel he is too young to understand and that causing chaos everywhere is a developmental stage! Perhaps I should set some boundaries soon :)

Thanks for mentioning interpersonal therapy. I've heard it's available on the Nhs. I tried CBT years ago & understand the concept but would like to try something else. Will see GP.

I don't get why it all has to be so hard. Life is hard!

Oh & I've totally fallen into the trap of not taking care of myself and that alone is probably my number one problem. So many mums seem to manage it but finding the time to shower, style hair, make-up and keep on top of washing/ironing so outfits are ready in the wardrobe, on top of cooking healthy meals and taking my vitamins seems a bigger deal than climbing Mount Everest right now.

How do you pulled together mums do it???!!!

Oh, just notice more replies :) will read now! My initial reply was to the 1st poster x

Debbie I don't have depression but still find my 20 month old exhausting and draining.

Do you work or do anything that is special just for you? Would more balance in terms of you versus small child help?

Talking therapies can be available very cheap in some circumstances - some places or docs will refer you if your marriage is at risk and you have small children

Look at the bacp website there may be a low fee practitioner near you

Mumofboyo - oh choices could definitely work, thanks for the idea. Thinking back to today I remember doing this and being successful.

I have totally considered the smart trike idea. I've also considered a low table and children's chair in the kitchen as opposed to a high chair as I think he would be happy not to be hemmed in. These are real solutions but I get a little down/stressed about having to throw money after money just trying to make life bearable, you know? He's costing us a small fortune

I know what you mean about feeling like you're throwing good money after bad trying to find things that work; and that annoyance when it doesn't. We recently bought an all singing all dancing potty for ds in a drive to encourage potty training. It's gathering dust in the downstairs loo. Part of my problem was that we were skint yet I had to keep spending money we didn't have on the dc.
Have you tried looking in your local classifieds, charity shops or even on freecycle? You'd be surprised at the bargains you can pick up.

I 2nd the pp idea of doing something just for you - when I returned to work after my 2nd mat leave my whole mood lifted. I'm not in any way suggesting that being a sahm causes depression - far from it - but that returning to something I did pre dc helped me regain my identity and self worth and begin to accept the changes the children had brought to my life. I don't know about you but every time my Dh left for work - or talked about work - I felt insanely jealous because his life, on the surface at least, appeared to have carried on same as before whereas mine was turned completely on its head. (I'm not sure I'm explaining myself properly and am tying myself in knots trying to avoid offending people.)

So many mums seem to manage it but finding the time to shower, style hair, make-up and keep on top of washing/ironing so outfits are ready in the wardrobe, on top of cooking healthy meals and taking my vitamins seems a bigger deal than climbing Mount Everest right now.
Swans, the lot of them. Myself included. I never bother with make-up (though, to be fair, I never did), have a shower when dc in bed and Dh is at home; either that or when I get in from work and the dc are still at nursery. I often rely on asda's own brand kids' ready meals as, although I can and do cook healthy meals from scratch, I often can't be arsed! I also think it's easy enough to chuck a stew or chilli in the slow cooker and have something else cooking in the wok and big pan so we have plenty of homemade ready meals that I can freeze in batches and get out when required. I do this (or Dh does) at weekends when I'm not alone.

Sorry have no parenting advice cos I'm not one yet but just wanted to say sorry you're having a crap time!
And that I've got a friend who's feeling a lot better now they've tried a second type of antidepressant so might be worth talking to your GP about trying a different one?? And I'm sure most places have free counselling they can refer you to nowadays?
Good luck with it all xx

I can sympathise on the crazy 20 month sleep regression. DD has been a mess with naps and resisting bedtime. I'm 11 weeks pregnant with DC2 so my hormones are crazy. At the weekend my DH took DD out for the morning and it was bliss. Can your DH do similar sometimes?

We give choices where I can like: would you like to walk to your room for your nap or shall I carry you? Which shoes would you like to wear? And so on.

And she loves to help me so I give her things to carry, cloths to wipe with, she helps me empty the dishwasher etc.

Hope you can find some strategies to help, this is a hard age!

mumofboyo - I really shouldn't complain about money as we are more comfortable than many people and not struggling. I do keep an eye out at charity shops etc and always buy things on offer and whatnot. I have a friend I could borrow a smart trike from to see if he actually likes it :)

aroha77 - Thank you :) I'll get my name down for some counselling. Maybe I'll give myself a few months and if no better discuss trying a new AD with my GP.

Nancy - Glad I'm not the only one :) DH does help out on a Saturday. That is my day for running errands without DS, making phone calls or having a hair cut. I'm lucky to have that time, lots of SAHMs don't.

I think the 2 wk Xmas hols have made things difficult as the routine/sleep went pear-shaped and I had no playgroups to go to (and nursery was closed for 10 days!) which keep me sane. I'm getting back into the swing of things this week and feeling more positive today.

Thank you everyone :)