Bf mums, how does your dh help?

[Excited85]

I have a 10 week old and am exclusively breast feeding. Both me and the baby are full of cold so I've had a few nights now of very little sleep, having to keep dd upright so she can sleep and breathe at the same time plus she is comfort feeding a lot in the night. Dh doesn't stir in the night, probably gets 8-9 hours a night uninterrupted as I do everything for the baby in the night which has been the case since day 1. Likewise in the day I'm still on mat leave (though not for much longer) so I'm up with the baby, today was up earlier than dh, and do washing and cleaning whilst she naps in the day though this isn't much. Dh cooks dinner and washes up as dd cluster feeds all evening then I bath her and spend an hour or two trying to get her to sleep. Dh is always snoring well before dd drops off.

I didn't mind doing the lions share with the baby up until now but I'm becoming more aware that he can easily go a day without changing a nappy or holding the baby for more than 5 mins. But with us both being poorly I'm shattered and wondering if there's anything he can do to help more? As I'm bf I appreciate he can't do much in an evening and he works during the day but am wondering what others husbands/partners contribute on the baby front, particularly when bf?

My dh probably wouldn't do much if I didn't ask him. Not because he's an arse (well, not at the moment!), but more because he forgets how limiting and tiring it can be - i.e. He forgets that if he leaves my cup of tea on the other side of the table, I can't reach it etc.

He also forgets that I can spend most of the day holding the baby, and my arms need a break. So I make sure he does take the baby for a while- even 30 mins makes a difference.

If you're aware now of an imbalance, nip it in the bud and discuss it. Don't let it fester then have a hormonal row with crying and snot bubbles and everything. (voice of experience)

Settles DD if she wakes in the night

Makes lots of tea and coffee (just brought me a hot chocolate)

Gets up with dd after she's had a feed so I can sleep a little longer

He doesn't do much housework because he works long shifts but if I ask him to do something he will and never complains

Your OH sounds a bit mean tome OP

My dd is 16 mo old now still bf and slept through for the first time last night 8-530!!

In the early days dp did very little. I did all feeds obviously and nights. I don't think dp has ever done a resettle in the night unless I've been on night shift.

He did Hoover and do the tea most nights, I kind of made bath time his job which gave me half hour off and it was great in building his confidence with a tiny baby.

Although all the washing and general cleaning fell to me not because he is horrible just because my need for tidy house is higher than his so I would tend to sort things before he realises it needed doing.

I would ask him to do more to equal things up a bit. It's so easy just to get on with it but I wish I has pointed things out rather than just doing it because I was exhausted

DH used to make sure he got up on Saturdays to change/dress DS, bring him to me for a feed and then take him out for a long walk in the pram. I got to stay in bed most of the morning, and it was bliss - helped make up for a lot of the disturbed nights' sleep etc. Does/can your OH do this for you?
I would often give him baby-related jobs to do while I was BFing such as restock the changing bag with nappies, put away baby clothes, sterilize breast pump etc and it all made a difference.
Well done for getting this far.

If I'm feeling extra tired/grotty I'll warn him that I really need my sleep and ask him to do the night time burping, nappy changes, settling to sleep.

Don't feel you have to get up before dh to start cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc. Any sleep you can get at the moment is more important than housework.

Get him to do the night time bath.

Remember that he's not a mind reader and probably doesn't realise what you want done unless you ask him to.

With DS1 (now 19 months) I had a rough start to BF so at the start he was on formula, expressed milk and breast until we got him completely on BF after a few week. I'd also had a c section.

Apart from helping with the bottle related stuff, DH did all night nappy changes (and pretty much all the day ones when on paternity leave or at weekends). He does the majority of housework and cooking anyway so that continued and when back at work he'd cook dinner, help with bedtime etc.

He'd doze sitting up in bed or on the sofa so DS1 could sleep on his chest and I could rest (DS1 didn't really do the sleep thing unless he was on one of us). He'd shop for tasty food and take DS1 to the shops between feeds so I got a little break. He'd walk round with DS1 for ages when I couldn't cope with the crying anymore and was a sobbing wreck in the middle of the night. He'd take photos and videos so we had lots to look back on.

There were the odd few nights when he slept on the sofa so he could catch up a bit on sleep for work, but most nights he was with us and up at every feed to support and just be there. He looked after us both and supported me through what was the hardest few months of my life, regardless of him being knackered, me being a nightmare with undiagnosed PND and us both being clueless first time parents. He put us first without fail and still does.

I loves him .

When my maternity leave ended, I changed my job and we both changed our hours so we could work part time (job share in the same role) and now he cares for DS1 three days a week and I do two.

DS2 due in February so we'll see how it works second time round...

First time around we had twins, appreciate this is a different kettle of fish but he was up with me every time they needed a feed – whilst I was feeding one, he would change nappy / wind / settle the other and then vice versa. During the week (when he was at work – he left about 7.45) he would occasionally take them downstairs after they'd woke (at 6-6.30am) and had a feed so I could sleep for 30-40 mins. He'd be home for bathtime (at about 7pm) so would help with that. I'd do bed time feeds whilst he tidied up a bit (I would usually have prepared dinner for us in the day, just had to reheated whenever we had chance).

When Number 3 arrived, I couldn't do exclusive b/f, be up in the night with her and then cope with 3yr old toddlers (who had dropped their daytime sleep by that stage). I would do the last feed about 11pm (DH would have gone to bed about 10.30) I'd take her in to him about 11.30 (we were sleeping in separate rooms for a while just to maximise sleep!) and then when she woke about 2am, he'd give her a bottle of expressed milk and then bring her into me about 2.30am so if she woke again, I could settle her. One day of the weekend, he'd take her downstairs after her first feed and let me have a lie in.

I think there are usually 2 schools of thought here in that some people think that going out to work / driving is the more difficult of the roles that couples take on in the early days and therefore if the man is going out to work (and the woman has chance for a rest during the day) then he gets to have more sleep. The other school of thought is that it should all be shared as far as thats possible. I think every couple's circumstances are different and how each couple approach the demands of a new baby also differs. I'm more inclined to go with the shared approach!

Would you consider giving a bottle of expressed milk (even once every few days if you don't want to do it daily) so he can do a night feed? Would he take the baby down after a feed at weekend to allow you to catch up on sleep?

My DD (now 7 months but still bf) will only go to sleep by feeding and will only nap on me during the day, so I have limited time to do housework etc.

My husband has been amazing. He works cooks breakfast and dinner and also does a lot of the housework as I don't get much opportunity. And he works full time. Baby-wise, he changes nappies when he's at home, gives DD a bath every evening and although I bf DD, he has always brought her to me if she wakes up in the night and then put her back down when she has fallen asleep. As I spend a lot of time with DD, he'll bring me drinks and food when he's at home. He does the shopping at the weekend and also takes DD for walks to give me a short break so I can get stuff done and he looks after her every evening so I can (try to!) have a relaxing bath.

I had a c-section and he booked a month off work and did absolutely everything around the house during that time, as advised by the consultant.

DH basically did everything but feed the baby! I got off to a rocky start feeding DS1, I had to express and cup feed, it was a nightmare and I was poorly after my EMCS. So DH got used to being involved right from the start.

Even once things had settled down he would settle DS once he had had a feed, change him if needed. Sometimes in the early days when it was so hard and exhausting he would just sit with me while I fed DS and hold us both so that I could lean on him. He would bring me cups of tea, and when DS1 was cluster feeding DH would actually feed me sometimes because it was the only way I got any dinner!

He has always got up in the night with both of them as toddlers, he has only a handful of times in five years said 'I must sleep tonight' and that has generally been when he's got a long drive or an interview or something.

I have always been a SAHM - but if you are going back to work soon it is even more important that he starts to take his turn.

When my OH was on paternity leave he did everything but feed her. Now he's at work I do allot more but he still does his fair share. When he is around. I cook, he washes up and he does allot of the housework still. He has never said no to changing a nappy

I have ds1 age 3 and ebf ds2 aged 4 months. I have usually been up 3x during the night so first thing he takes baby and changes him and dressed him, then gets ds1 ready while I feed/doze with ds2. He makes breakfast and dinner, does food shopping on his way home from work, puts washing on as and when etc, brings me tea and cake .

I have two DC. I ebf DC1 until 18 months and DC2 is nearly a year- no plans to stop.
When we only had one child at same age to yours: DH did all nappy changes when around, all laundry, he bathed baby when he got in, dressed her ready for bed. I did the bedtime feed and any feeds in night but would often settle her if baby didn't go straight to sleep. He would cook and clean up. If the baby woke early he would get up with her before he left for work.
Now we have two children. He did all of bedtime for our eldest and wakes for her if she doesn't sleep through. We alternated early mornings with the baby and he brings her to me in middle of night. Her room is closer to his side of the bed and the falls back to sleep.
Really there is lots to do.....

Okay he needs to be getting less rest here because its at your expense! You need to be rested too in order to look after baby and breast feed.

He can do settling with baby after a feed while you immediately go back to sleep.

He can take baby immediately after morning feed while you go back to sleep for 2 hours

He can take the baby all day at weeknd while you stay in bed and he just brings baby for feeds

He can carry the baby in a sling - this is a lovely way for men to spend time with their child - babies sleep well in slings so this gives you a good break

He can do many many things - I could not stand it if my partner was sleeping well all night and basically feeling normal while I felt shattered - how is that fair?

Looking after a baby is exhausting - you are not on some kind of relaxing holiday each day while he is at work

And why no holding the
Baby - you need to make sure that happens whenever he is there so that the baby is used to him ...

When he gets home from work hand baby over whole you have a bath ...

Cluster feeds will stop soon - probably around 12 weeks - and then he can be in charge of baby in the evenings and do bedtime - also when the baby is older and you don't want to feed each time he wakes you can send your partner on to soothe etc ...

Maybe express a bottle so he can do bedtime feed ?

Thanks for all your suggestions, it's nice to know I'm not just being hormonal and stroppy!

I think he might have realised I'm doing so much today as he has taken the baby for ten mins this eve whilst crying and changed her nappy. I don't think he's purposely leaving it all to me, more just not sure what he can do, and on the times I've asked him to settle her if crying at weekend for example he only ends up giving her back as he gets too frustrated! I do offer for him to do bath time as it would be good for bonding but he's really not keen - to be fair I think he'll be a fantastic dad once she's mobile just a bit lost on the whole baby thing!

Good idea on the Saturday mornings home think I'll speak to him about that to give me a break. Think you're right about the two schools of thought Mandy dh openly admits his work is pretty easy and flexible, whereas when I go back I work 12 hour days which are full on, so as alibaba says think I need to try encourage him sooner rather than later to ensure the load is shared more equally.

Re expressing unfortunately dd is a bottle refuser. I'm working on it as am back to work soon but every time I've expressed have ended up throwing it away as she just screams at the bottle . Waterrat in that case I'm looking forward to 12 weeks, will be nice to get my evenings back and once things are calmer on the feeding front I'm sure he'll be able to do more.

Btw love the tea and cake bringing - I'm sure he'll do that!!

He's 'not keen' wtf?? This is his child!!

Seriously op I would just tell him you are going to have 20 mins downstairs reading a magazine, having a cup of tea whatever and he is going to bathe her. It's not something he can opt out of, she is his child as much as yours.

It's easy to say he'll be better when she's older...I have a friend whose dh said this...he turned round one day to find his ds was 20 yo and wanted nothing to do with him. Dot let it pass your dh by til some hypothetical ideal time when they are "older". You need him NOW!!

Not bfing anymore but with dc1 DH would do any nighttime nappy changes, do the weekly shop and cook dinner, plus he also ended up taking him on the odd night drive whilst I got my only hours sleep.

With DC2 he would bathe her and get her changed, then take her for a walk if she wasn't settling in the evening.

You offer for him to do bath time but he isn't keen? What the hell, he doesn't get to only cherry pick the bits he enjoys and leave the rest to you!

When are you going back to work? What are your childcare arrangements? Because if he is the one with the flexible job then he is going to have to step up to the plate and the sooner he starts practising the better.

I totally agree with loulou you cannot have him parenting on the basis of 'when she is/does X then I'll be able to be more involved' because that day will never come. He needs to do this now.

Oh and he always got up with the DC in the morning and left me in bed, in fact he still does this a lot.

If your baby is a bottle refuser, have you spoken to a BFC about this and returning to work?