Calling all SAHMs how does it work for you?

[Yespleasetotea]

Trying to decide if I should give up my full time work to look after DC full time. DH is very keen as am I as it could ease a lot of pressure on us with no family nearby. My main concerns are about being dependent on him so much and the inevitable belt-tightening potentially creating more pressure.

What are your experiences?

I am a SAHM and it's fine. We discuss money but I don't feel dependent on my husband and I can spend as I need it (never asked his permission for things). Money is tighter, I buy most of our clothes in the sale and we do things like use cloth nappies in order to save money. I tend to have more of a problem with other people's negative comments about it.

I'm a SAHM, although have started looking for work now the DC are at school, money is tight so we budget all the essential stuff together then share spare money out so then we know exactly what we can afford to spend each month, more money would always be nice but we aren't that much worse off than we would be if we had to pay out for childcare.

I've enjoyed being a SAHM but the downside for me is that my CV doesn't look great and I am finding it quite hard to get back into work now, but I was quite young when I had my 2 so there's not a lot on my CV from before DC, so if you already have a decent job/level of experience that might not be so much of an issue.

Why not go part time?

I'm not a SAHM. I work four days a week although we could afford for me not to work. I was a SAHM for about 6 months but to be honest the worry about my career stalking and general grind sent me back to work! It can be very very monotonous even if you plan every day for activities and groups. I know loads of people who lie being SAHMs though.

How much belt tightening would there need To be and How is DH with regard To finances in general?

I also hate the idea of being financially dependant, but if the family's money is viewed by both of you as family money and you don't have To ask permisión To access it then it is less of an issue.

My situación is slightly different. I gave up work To follow my DH half way round the world, then had DDcs and now 12 years later I am bored sense less and cursing the fact that I didn't defy my up bringing and continúe Education because now I have no qualifactions and no career To return To.

Is your work just a Job or a career? Could you return To work once DCs are in school? As you are not near family what support will you have being home with the DCs full time? What sort of ages are the DCs, are they toddlers who need attention all day or school age and only really need you for breakfast and after school.

Will all the housework/cooking/shopping and child care fall To you if you don't work outside of the home?

Possibly most importantly, do you want To give up your Job?

If you have a joint account and neither of you is particularly tight nor profligate, then it should be ok financially - so long as you both understand that there will be a need to cut back on spending and are both able to do so without resentment or recrimination.

I am a SAHM and have been since we emigrated; DS2 is 15mo and I don't aim to return to work until he is at school, although could start a little before them as I plan to resume my self-employed career (too old to be employed, really!)

To start with it wasn't good, as DH had the account (being the Australian) and the credit card and I had no facilities - but got myself a Savings account (current accounts all charge over here) and then got DH to put an amount in each month, so that if I needed cash I could access it. He had already given me the credit card (2 cards on one account) but that wasn't always helpful, so the cash was necessary. After a year of DH being in work, and him starting to travel on the road more and more, I got edgy and we made his account a joint one, so if anything happened to him I wouldn't be stuffed. I don't really touch it though; he pays all the bills so I have no need to, but I can if I want to.

As far as home duties are concerned, I am not the best housewife - I expect him to still do SOME of the around-house stuff, mostly shared cooking and washing up, because we both get sick of it so halving it makes sure that neither of us resents the other because of it.

I worked part-time for a bit and now am a SAHM. I enjoy it now but it has taken me ages to get used to it. Try to agree in advance what household tasks DH will have responsibility for. It's too easy for husbands to think that the SAHM will do ALL cooking/cleaning/washing/childcare/house admin (including at the weekend when there are two parents at home) but it shouldn't really work like that especially if your children are below school age and every day is full of childcare. Lucky for us, our finances are not tight and our money has always been seen as a pool for both of us to spend as we see fit, so that isn't an issue. We are more short on time/energy so it's too easy for us to bicker about who should make dinner. I do feel that sometimes he doesn't respect my day as "work" and doesn't seem to notice that I am up at 7am doing breakfast/clothes etc every weekday, with no time for a shower, whilst he has a lie in til 8 then a shower and pootles off to work without children hanging from him. Both DH and I had SAHMs when we were children, and our expectations tend to stem from that (his Dad was away a lot with work and his mum did EVERYTHING, my Dad helped out with things like the school run/cleaning up after meals/bathtime/lots of the house admin like bills and car MOTs).

Also bear in mind you think you are giving up work to look after the DCs full time. But other people will see it differently. Your DH may think it means he can send you a to do list of a whole load of other stuff that he would like doing around the house. Your in-laws my think it means they can visit more often and expect to be fully catered for and entertained every minute of the day. The PTA may think that you are now available to devote a whole lot more time to them. It's a bit disappointing how little time is sometimes left to be with the children. It's all fine, just be prepared to say no a lot!

I went back to work (albeit only three days) when my daughter was one...at the time i was thrilled to be back and having a break from the 'constant -ness of motherhood to be honest and to a job i love; however, the job itself is very demanding and it isn't something I could just pack up at 5 and go home. I found that I was torn between high pressure work and desire to be home and be mummy - be home in time for bath/bed etc, I also found it absolutely exhausting trying to 'do it all' I can not imagine how hard full time work and parenting is.

I'm expecting a second baby now (will arrive when daughter is 2yrs 4 months) and I've handed in my notice and am going to stay home while DC are little, I personally feel I would be missing out on these early years and being at home will hopefully benefit us all (hubs is pleased about it) I feel quite fortunate really.

Of course financially we will have to be careful, we don't have an extravagant lifestyle and I will in the next 2 or 3 years go back to work but I'm hoping we will make do for now.

There's a lot to take into consideration and individual factors to think about but if you can afford it, I would say go for it, you can always go back to work and I don't think you will regret the extra time spent with little ones....

Additionally I do do the lions share of housework and cooking but so far, I see that as fair to be honest....and I was doing the majority when working anyway, so these last couple of months I've been home have felt like a luxury! (I realise I'll feel different when newborn arrives and sleep becomes a distant memory!)

I've been a SAHM for five and a half years and I love it.

We are fortunate that DH earns good money, and our income now is more than double what it was when we were both earning - I don't underestimate how much easier this makes things.

I do all the planning and organising and finances, we have a cleaner so the bulk of the housework doesn't fall to me, but obviously there is a fair amount of daily cleaning and tidying when you have small DCs. I do most of the cooking, but DH likes cooking and will take his turn when he can - he nearly always does the roast on a Sunday plus other weekend meals.

Our view has always been that it is our money, not his money. We had a joint account as soon as we moved in together and our finances have always been shared so it has never been an issue.

I will go back to work when our youngest is settled at school, I will need to retrain but we are already planning for that and will be able to afford to pay both childcare and any costs associated with retraining when the time comes.
We actually run our own business these days, and we are joint owners so our income truly is joint although it is DH's skills that we are selling.

The answer to your question lies in what u and your DH are both like, what your relationship is like, how well you get on, and how much the purse strings would have to be tightened by. If you give up work will DH's earnings be shared as a joint pool for you both, or will he have control of everything financially and u have to ask for everything. If ur used to financial indepence and he is not willing to share his earnings jointly that could potentially put you in a very difficult position. Also, do you think u could adjust to being a sahm and giving up all the independence and identity that having a career gives you. If no family are nearby would u feel isolated and bored being at home all the time? Childcare and domestic housework can get monotonous! or do you have lots of friends to share play dates at your/their home with? Would there be enough spare cash to do activities/groups/days out with your LO? Think about all this very carefully before choosing and perhaps draw up a family expenditure spreadsheet itemising everything that you think you would need for you and LO on a monthly basis to be happy with, so you know upfront how much you'll be able to get out and about. The cost of swimming courses, tumble tots etc all do add up and it will give u a picture of what your weeks would look like. If you are currently in a job that you were able to negotiate part time hours for after your maternity leave think carefully before jacking it in as part time career jobs aren't easy to find. Good luck :)

I was a SAHM until DD was 15 months. My OH works in a busy City job and he still cooked for me and him every night when he got in (which is around 8.30pm, after DD is asleep). I did all the washing (which to be fair was only about 2 loads a week, easy peasy) and we have a cleaner so no big cleaning jobs. I did a few bits like take stuff to dry cleaners, occasionally went food shopping etc but to be perfectly honest my only real responsibility was looking after DD and having fun with her! so it was brill. We did loads of baby classes, lots of playground fun. obviously I cooked for her and did all bath times etc. In a way it was quite intense because OH didn't actually really see her at all during the week so I did everything baby related, including at the weekend just because I got better at doing it!
what I would say that is during the summer, its awesome because you can go the park, sunbathe, eat ice cream with your baby and have a ball. in the winter it gets a bit wearing as you are in a lot. I go to uni 2 days a week now and OH works a bit less hours so its all a but more balanced, but I really miss being at SAHM to be honest.
baby #2 coming in a few months though so will right back into it!

oh and re: money, we can afford to live on my OH's salary so that was fine, but at the beginning I had to keep asking for cash which felt a bit weird so he set up a joint a/c and pays money into it each month. I don't overspend though and if I want to buy myself a treat, like a new item of clothing that is more than say, £60, I would probably check whether its okay with OH. I don't have a problem with that though.

I think it can only work financially if you both see his income and any other money you receive as family money.
This is how we operate and it works brilliantly.
I gave up work to be a sahm 22 years ago and have never regretted it for a moment.
Even when they go to school it is good if you are the sort who likes to get involved with personal or household projects, have interests and hobbies.
When I look at friends who work and the problems they face, I feel blessed.

I hated being a SAHM (through redundancy), groundhog day set in, not enough money to not have to think about spending, loss of my career and my relationship with DH suffered.

I didn't really think about financial independence as I had savings which I was eeking out but it is worth reading some threads on here about it. Make sure you have money to spend now and are making some pension provision or have an alternative income eg: property letting/investments etc.

I am now back at work PT, have a great senior role in my pretty specialised field (which I didn't think I would find tbh)

We are all SO much happier

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me.

I do have a career but my job is intense and stressful and at the moment pretty unfulfilling. If I didn't have a DS I would be able to stay late a couple of nights a week and get on top of things. It's paid reasonably well though, and would be hard to get another job if I gave it up. I feel like I'm not doing a great job because my mind is on DS and the nursery run etc. I come home from work utterly exhausted with not much left. Life just feels like a hard slog at the moment where I'm not doing a great job at work and not doing a great job at home, either.

So the main reason to stay at home is to ease pressure on us as a family so that I have more to give back. I realise looking after a 2 year old will be exhausting as well and I'm realistic about what I will be able to achieve in a day - not much apart from spending time with DC. Maternity leave was wonderful and I had no wish to return to work. I do have quite a few mum friends so my social life may even improve! I'm also only ever bored at work so don't think I'll have any problems filling up my time.

DS also seems to get every cold/cough going so I end up taking a lot of time off work to look after him which makes returning to work and picking up all my projects even more stressful. With no grandparents around it's up to me and my DH to take parental leave to look after him. I hate having to decide if he's well enough to go to nursery that day - it's so hard to think he might be best off having a quiet day with mum where he can sleep and rest as he wants.

I've considered part time working but it's not an easily shareable job and I would still have the problems with DS being ill etc and missing nursery and the pressure of work would still be with me.

I would really just love to spend more time with DS. He's super company and we have lots of fun together. I feel so sad to be missing out on so much time with him.

I think I'm just scared that because I feel I would love being a SAHM mum so much I will let my heart make the decision not my head and we'll end up struggling for money and living a grim sort of existence where we can't afford any of life's little luxuries.

Then you really need To Go through finances with DH, down To every pound you'll have/not have if necassery, To make sure you both have a realistic idea of what it will mean To live on one salary and that you are on the same page, so To speak.

Good luck with your decisión.

You might not be able to afford life's little luxuries while you only have one income, but realistically, would you go back to work again when DS goes to school? If so, then even if you don't get in at the same level you are at now, you will still be earning more than when you only have one income in the household - so realistically, you'll be tightening your belts for 2-3 years, and then when you go back to work, you'll suddenly feel richer with an extra influx of cash! By then you'll have worked out which of life's little luxuries actually matter to you probably not that many and you'll feel able to splurge a bit.

My point being that you don't have to look at it as "giving up" on life's little luxuries, just putting them on hold for a few years.

Yes good point it's not forever...