Separation anxiety in 2yo. What to do?

[pookamoo]

DD2 is 2 years, 3 months. She has AWFUL separation anxiety from me. I can hardly even leave the room. She will break her heart if she doesn't know where I am.

Some examples:

This morning I was helping tidy up at the mums and baby group we go to, I took some books round to the book corner to put away. She has been going to the group since she was born, she knows the place and everyone in it. We'd been there 2 hours, and I had been gone maybe 5 seconds. I heard the wail start up, and she came to find me, full of tears and bottom lip quavering like I had gone to Mars for a week!

Yesterday I was upstairs putting some towels in the airing cupboard and I heard her say "Where's Mummy, DD1? Where's Mummy gone!" she started to sob, and came up to find me.

For the last year she has only settled at bedtime for me. We co-sleep, which works for our family, although we do pop her into her own bed after she eventually drops off. She'll sleep til about 2am, then come in to us. After that she's awake at 4 and 6am up for the day. After about 6pm, she will NOT have anyone else except for me, and will NOT settle for DH no matter how quickly he gets to her! She was happy with daddy until she was about 16 months old, and after that, not a chance.

The HV told me to try gradual retreat to get her to settle in her own bed at bedtime, cue things getting so bad she would start sobbing when we went upstairs. I am really cross with myself for doing that now.

She absolutely breaks her heart. You know those massive racking sobs where they can't get their breath? And she just gets louder and louder!

Conversely, when I have left her with a friend, she goes totally silent. Won't talk or make eye contact, stands frozen to the spot. It is weird to look at, and she just seems to sort of switch off.

I am a SAHM so she is with me every day, and we do not have finances to put her into nursery just for the sake of it while I am not earning. How can I help her to be the confident little girl she is when I am with her?

bump.

Do you tell her where you're going? My dd (2) is like this, but will be ok if I tell her where I'm going and make sure she's with someone eg DH. Otherwise she can come with me.

DH also takes dd out regularly so she's used to more than one carer. Can you do that? Eg he takes her to the supermarket on a Saturday morning and does bedtime for her occasionally. She used to get upset but is used to it now.

Yes, she always knows where I'm going. DH takes the DDs swimming every week, and she is fine when out and about with him. No good at bedtime though - even when he tells her I will be back soon.

Was there a change or disturbance at 16 months (move house for example?) How about giving her something you know she'll love (stickers maybe some chocolate buttons or a new toy) so she's excited and distracted then leave the room for a fww mins (while watching her without her seeing you). Then as soon as she starts getting worried looking for yoi etc,walk im very nonchalantly and don't make a big deal of being away. So don't make a huge fuss of her crying - little cuddle then distraction.

See how that goes.

It sounds like she's loves you so much and you're doing a great job.

No change at all, which is why it is so strange.
She is currently venting her rage at DH for trying to settle her to sleep.
"I want Mummy! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

it's getting really bad now.

It sounds like she's ok when she's the one leaving you - my DS is the same. He can go off for the day with his dad to visit granny and is happy but if I leave (most days) he is clinging onto my coat. So sometimes you can engineer it so they are leaving you I.e. At bedtime Daddy takes her from you and puts her to bed?

Are her back molars coming in? Mine are more climgy when like that. I'm currently settling dd after DH attempted bedtime then she called for me!

Well she's asleep now after I intervened and sang my whole repertoire about 15 times!

It could be back molars, they are almost here, and have been taking a long time to come through.

My dd2 was similar - the ultimate Velcro baby / toddler. My memory is of holding her pretty much full time between 6 months and 2 1/2. At 4, she is one of the most socially confident, secure and outgoing kids I've ever met. Because i was a sahm i was able to just be with her throughout her (completely normal but quite extreme) separation anxiety,and this has served her well. If I were you, I wouldn't try to fight it too much at the moment. In a few months your dd will probably emerge from this developmental stage and it will all be resolved without any major trauma.

Thanks neolara. Actually, that is helpful.

We had booked her in to start 2 sessions at nursery per week after Christmas, and I had a massive wobble and cancelled it. Partly because it would have cost ££ and I would have gained 1.5 hours time to myself a week and partly because my instinct is to just support her through it. She was a slinged baby, as a second child, and in the back of my mind, I can hear the conflict between those who say babies who are carried are very confident, and those who like to say that slings are "a rod for your own back"....

I do like andthebeatgoeson's idea of distraction though, and DH (who is actually quite saddened by the fact she seems not to like him very much after dark, and wishes he could help more) had suggested today that perhaps if he did a whole day just him and her, from breakfast til bedtime, it might help. I could spend a lovely day with DD1 then, too.

Slugs, that must be very hard for you both.